A glimmer of hope

Lupron and I have been having our regular 5:00 am dates for a little while now, just over a week I would say. Every day I kept waiting for AF to rear her ugly head, but nothing....just spotting here and there. Originally I had my bw and u/s appointment for Sunday (which would have been perfect - wouldn't miss the Monday morning meeting) but since AF still hadn't fully arrived, they pushed me off a day. I can deal with missing a meeting - plus I would be home for when bug woke up.

Head down to the appointment - got right in for bw and then sat.....sat for a good 30 minutes before I was called in for my u/s. It was  tech I had from the last cycle (she too remembered me). Got geared up for Wanda the Wand and we start chatting. She had a baby around the same time I did using donor eggs - we were comparing notes with each other's babies as she was scanning my innards. During the conversation there was a slight pause and it caught my attention, but didn't think anything of it.

Appointment is done - now off to work.

Playing catch up from the few hours I had missed, I see 'that' number come across my cell phone. God they are so good at getting back to you. It's Nurse Nancy. She asked if I was home, which didn't really phase me, but told her no, that I had to come in to work. She began to tell me they ran the blood work and noticed my progesterone was high. This sparks them to do a pregnancy test.....you are pregnant. I'm sorry what the fuck did you just say??????????? I'm what????????????  (I say in my head) My eyes fill with tears because I wasn't expecting that at all. She told me the number was really low (27) but couldn't base it on anything since she didn't know when we conceived (trying to do the math in my head.....AH, date night!)

She went on about a few other things but I honestly couldn't pay attention. All of a sudden I couldn't control my emotions. No matter how hard I tried to push it down, the tears were flowing. I am going to lose this pregnancy and there is nothing I can do about it. I called DH and asked if he wanted the good news or bad news....he opted for good. He too was in a state of shock because we were pretty careful (using the good old pull out method and me running to bathroom that we've done hundreds of times and never had a scare) and it would have been just that one time, date night - I laughed when Nurse Nancy told me that is all it takes.

I compose myself as best as I could and called the nurses line to speak to them again. Nurse Nancy called me back and went over everything again. Will need to see me for bw to see if the number is doubling and we will go from there, but we will monitor you closely. Since I was an emotional basket case, I decided it was best for me to finish my day at home. While driving home the tears just kept coming, and then it hit me. All the fears I had shoved down as far as I could, burst through the gates. D&C. I physically, emotionally, mentally cannot go through another one. I can not!

Back to their office I go for another round of bw to see if the numbers have doubled. I of course couldn't help but test and had a small glimmer of hope that the line was darker from the day before. In and out and back on the road. As that number came across my screen I debated whether to answer....it's Nurse Susan this time. The number rose, but to 37...come back Friday for more bw to see what is going on.

Cue more tears.......