Today was the final appointment before everything gets sent to insurance for approval. Hubs went in this morning for bw and to leave his 'deposit' and I had a later appointment for my hysteroscopy - which was MUCH easier this time around....thank you child birth!
The doc came in and introduced me to one of the nurses and said she'll be shadowing this appointment - sure thing, it's not like half the building hasn't seen my lady bits already, bring on the audience.
She started to wash her hands and began to fill the nurse in a little about me; how I was her favorite (which I'm sure she says that to all the gals), how beautiful our daughter is, how after many tests we found out I was a carrier for translocation, yatta, yatta, yatta. Now at this point I'm getting ready to be violated and then there it was, those words that will always make me be that girl. She began to tell her about the D&E mishap - mishap will be the term I will use, since D&E fuck up doesn't seem appropriate.
And then, from the corner of my eye, I could see it.....that look I dread so much.....the 'I'm so sorry for you' look! She continued on with the story and I just kept looking up at the beach pictures that all OB offices have, you know the ones they rip from either calendars or magazines.
Just wish one appointment, one meeting I could be the 'normal' girl instead of always being 'that' girl!
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Will it ever get easier?
Today starts the beginning of our next cycle. AF showed up just in time for me to go get cycle day 3 bw before we meet with Genetic Counselor this morning - let the games begin!
As excited as I am to start the process up again....okay wait let me rephrase that because no one in their right mind is excited to stab themselves with needles, well maybe junkies, no one is excited to have their blood sucked out almost every other day, no one should be excited for wanda the wand appointments....so excited isn't the right word. I am ready.....ready is the right term. What I am not ready for is the waiting game - waiting for insurance to approve everything, waiting for that box of meds to arrive at the door, waiting for the phone calls to tell me how everything is progressing. What I'm dreading the most is the new process my RE's office does now - freeze all on Day 5, then test! I am not ready to wait to see how many make it to Day 5 - I am not ready to wait for the call for them to tell us how many eggs are 'normal'.
You would think after taken many trips on this ride before I would be used to it....again not the proper term....I would be ready for it. But I'm not. I woke up this morning ready to have a good day and then it hit me. Today is the day I am reminded that there is 'something wrong with me', which of course happens to fall in the month that I have now come to dislike (refer to Month of March post if you are curious). At least this time around I am prepared for that information to smack me in the face - we know what the problem is, we know what we have to do to work with it, we know what meds I respond well too.....but why do I still feel scared and nervous?
Why does this never get easier?
Then I saw this......
As excited as I am to start the process up again....okay wait let me rephrase that because no one in their right mind is excited to stab themselves with needles, well maybe junkies, no one is excited to have their blood sucked out almost every other day, no one should be excited for wanda the wand appointments....so excited isn't the right word. I am ready.....ready is the right term. What I am not ready for is the waiting game - waiting for insurance to approve everything, waiting for that box of meds to arrive at the door, waiting for the phone calls to tell me how everything is progressing. What I'm dreading the most is the new process my RE's office does now - freeze all on Day 5, then test! I am not ready to wait to see how many make it to Day 5 - I am not ready to wait for the call for them to tell us how many eggs are 'normal'.
You would think after taken many trips on this ride before I would be used to it....again not the proper term....I would be ready for it. But I'm not. I woke up this morning ready to have a good day and then it hit me. Today is the day I am reminded that there is 'something wrong with me', which of course happens to fall in the month that I have now come to dislike (refer to Month of March post if you are curious). At least this time around I am prepared for that information to smack me in the face - we know what the problem is, we know what we have to do to work with it, we know what meds I respond well too.....but why do I still feel scared and nervous?
Why does this never get easier?
Then I saw this......
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Fire Drills
Remember those days when you would be sitting at your desk working on some type of class project, math problem, science experiment and that loud horn would sound. YES, fire drill! As a kid, we looked forward to these as it meant a break from the classroom and you got to go outside.
Not so much the case anymore - especially when you pull up to your child's daycare and see everyone standing outside. First thought as I pulled up - nice, practicing fire drill and I get to see how they work. Second thought as I was walking over to area where all the kids were...WTF, why are none of the babies covered in this freezing weather!?!?!?!
One of the teachers asked if I wanted to take her out of the crib - while we are still outside in the 20 degree temperature - yeah I'm good with that, just get her inside!
By the time I got in to her classroom, every baby was crying. I called hubs on the way home and he said he was glad I was the one to pick her up as he would have been pissed. This got me to thinking, why don't they have blankets by the back door on the shelf that they can grab in situations like this.
Before everyone starts in on how the only important part of a fire drill is to get everyone out quickly and safely, settle down....I know that. But when you see cribs filled with babies ranging from 2 months to 8 months with NOTHING covering them, that becomes part of the importance.
I reached out to daycare the following morning, making sure I didn't sound like "That Mom" and just asked if it could be something they looked in to for future situations. After being told they had to speak to their regional manager I got an email back that night saying they are going to implement an emergency backpack that will have blankets and such for situations like this.
Win for this mom!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
6 months!!!!!
I cannot believe it - my bug is already 6 months!
We take her picture in the same spot each month to see how much she's grown...she looks like a giant!
Her FAVORITE thing to do....well besides eating. She bounces in this thing for hours!
Thank you whoever invented this!
Sits up like a big girl! Rolling over a little bit but I think she's just lazy and doesn't want any part of it, would rather sit or stand in her bouncer.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Next trip to crazy town
Yesterday was a mix of emotions - Bug and I headed to the hospital to meet up with hubs to go to our meeting. I was concerned having her in the waiting room with us, just knowing how hard it was for me to see them while I waited each time, but than remembered it gave me a little more hope. They are there with a baby they clearly got from being in this office, so I let that feeling slip away. Bug was in a great mood and was SUPER loud...to the point I was actually trying to shhh a 6 month old - 'cuz she knows what that means...ya dummy!
The nurses all came over to meet her and were over the moon thrilled to finally see her. Then that door opened, the one that made my stomach drop each time, but this time the face that always seemed to look so sad for me was grinning from ear to ear. She couldn't wait to get her hands on Bug and held her for the whole appointment - even nurse Nancy (who I LOVE) came by and yelled at her for hogging the baby.
After much discussion we have all come to an agreement: Fresh Cycle with PGD again. They have changed the way they do things now in regards to the testing. They freeze all individually on Day 5 - ship cells from each one for testing (including our frostie) - body needs to cycle the next month - transfer the following. So now this process is going to take 3 months - sidebar - this killed me when I counted on the calendar when we were discussing because May was when I was supposed to go to Nashville to meet the rest of the girls from our group! Heartbroken!
She is going to be more aggressive with me this time because there really is no fear of overstimulating since it's a longer process....can totally feel me jinxing myself by repeating her statement. Her goal is to have at least 2 good ones - transfer 1 - freeze the other if we decide on baby #3.
The reason we chose to go down this path is because it is the best option for us. Being a carrier for a translocation we have no idea if our frostie is 'normal' and she is not comfortable taking that risk and having me either (a) miscarry or (b) carry to term and lose the baby due to it being a carrier of an unbalanced translocation - I told her if we found out the baby was a carrier I would not be able to term pregnancy and this is when she got firm with her decision not to go FET.
Right now we are in agreement that one goes back in, if we have one, and pray it's a boy. I thought about putting two back if we get two, but after last night.....we can just put one back. Three kids under the age of 3....I'm all set!
The nurses all came over to meet her and were over the moon thrilled to finally see her. Then that door opened, the one that made my stomach drop each time, but this time the face that always seemed to look so sad for me was grinning from ear to ear. She couldn't wait to get her hands on Bug and held her for the whole appointment - even nurse Nancy (who I LOVE) came by and yelled at her for hogging the baby.
After much discussion we have all come to an agreement: Fresh Cycle with PGD again. They have changed the way they do things now in regards to the testing. They freeze all individually on Day 5 - ship cells from each one for testing (including our frostie) - body needs to cycle the next month - transfer the following. So now this process is going to take 3 months - sidebar - this killed me when I counted on the calendar when we were discussing because May was when I was supposed to go to Nashville to meet the rest of the girls from our group! Heartbroken!
She is going to be more aggressive with me this time because there really is no fear of overstimulating since it's a longer process....can totally feel me jinxing myself by repeating her statement. Her goal is to have at least 2 good ones - transfer 1 - freeze the other if we decide on baby #3.
The reason we chose to go down this path is because it is the best option for us. Being a carrier for a translocation we have no idea if our frostie is 'normal' and she is not comfortable taking that risk and having me either (a) miscarry or (b) carry to term and lose the baby due to it being a carrier of an unbalanced translocation - I told her if we found out the baby was a carrier I would not be able to term pregnancy and this is when she got firm with her decision not to go FET.
Right now we are in agreement that one goes back in, if we have one, and pray it's a boy. I thought about putting two back if we get two, but after last night.....we can just put one back. Three kids under the age of 3....I'm all set!
Monday, February 10, 2014
I'd like one ticket please
Well today I go meet with our RE to start again - start the roller coaster ride. I am a mix of emotions because I am excited to start again but fearful we will not be successful. I am worried she will tell us that we should wait a little longer (her original plan was for us to call her when we were starting to plan Bugs first birthday.....does pinning stuff on Pinterest count? 'Cuz I've been doing that for about a month now).
I was watching bug and hubs lay on the couch last night and wondered what it would be like with two, maybe even three. Could we handle it? Would I be able to handle it since hubs works so many hours? Of course I know the answer is yes and will take some adjusting and getting used to.
I am very excited that our RE can finally meet Bug - so she can see what she helped us get. That must be one of the most amazing feelings RE's must have....when they get to see their patients little ones! So rewarding....okay getting sidetracked.
Due to our new address in Infertility Land, I wonder what we should do. FET or Fresh? Hubs and I don't really see eye to eye on this, think I've already discussed this, but.....Hubs doesn't want to do FET because it wasn't tested and he does not want me to suffer another miscarriage. I just can't NOT use it. I would always wonder and play the horrible 'what if' game.Ideally I would like to use our frostie along with an egg from a fresh cycle - that's another fear, if we do a fresh and testing, will we have any good eggs? If not, then we are back to FET anyway right?
We've both agreed that we are not telling anyone about going to docs and starting up - let's see how long that will last since I'm the WORST liar in the world!
Lots of emotions happening today - hell you would think I was on Lupron already!
I was watching bug and hubs lay on the couch last night and wondered what it would be like with two, maybe even three. Could we handle it? Would I be able to handle it since hubs works so many hours? Of course I know the answer is yes and will take some adjusting and getting used to.
I am very excited that our RE can finally meet Bug - so she can see what she helped us get. That must be one of the most amazing feelings RE's must have....when they get to see their patients little ones! So rewarding....okay getting sidetracked.
Due to our new address in Infertility Land, I wonder what we should do. FET or Fresh? Hubs and I don't really see eye to eye on this, think I've already discussed this, but.....Hubs doesn't want to do FET because it wasn't tested and he does not want me to suffer another miscarriage. I just can't NOT use it. I would always wonder and play the horrible 'what if' game.Ideally I would like to use our frostie along with an egg from a fresh cycle - that's another fear, if we do a fresh and testing, will we have any good eggs? If not, then we are back to FET anyway right?
We've both agreed that we are not telling anyone about going to docs and starting up - let's see how long that will last since I'm the WORST liar in the world!
Lots of emotions happening today - hell you would think I was on Lupron already!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
It happened overnight
Everyone tells you how fast your kids will grow up - I would always just shrug my shoulders and smile, the only thing I knew to do at that time without wanting to burst in to tears. I didn't think I would ever be able to understand what they meant by that. Why they would say that? How could it really happen that fast without you realizing it?
Guess what - it happens overnight! Thanks to a pretty bad snow storm yesterday, bug and I spent the day at home. We were playing in the toy room and all I wanted was for her to roll over - hubs and I have been trying to get her to do this for a while now....she'll roll to her side, hang there for a minute and then, eh, she's over it and rolls right to her back again. Not yesterday....she got to her side and I started to record with my phone in hopes she would complete the 'roll'. I kept saying, 'keep going, keep going' as I was holding back from pushing her big ol' bum to help her move a little quicker. Then she did it. Rolled over all on her own and I almost burst in to tears - one of my biggest fears is missing out on her firsts.
Normally I'm a huge hater on snow storms, but not yesterday - yesterday I was thrilled to have been stuck inside the house with my bug so I could watch her roll over...then to see her sit up for a good amount of time on her own while she smashed her chubby hands on the toys. To top it off, one of her bottom teeth is starting to poke through (both are coming up but now you can see one more than the other).
Now I get it.....it really does happen fast!
Guess what - it happens overnight! Thanks to a pretty bad snow storm yesterday, bug and I spent the day at home. We were playing in the toy room and all I wanted was for her to roll over - hubs and I have been trying to get her to do this for a while now....she'll roll to her side, hang there for a minute and then, eh, she's over it and rolls right to her back again. Not yesterday....she got to her side and I started to record with my phone in hopes she would complete the 'roll'. I kept saying, 'keep going, keep going' as I was holding back from pushing her big ol' bum to help her move a little quicker. Then she did it. Rolled over all on her own and I almost burst in to tears - one of my biggest fears is missing out on her firsts.
Normally I'm a huge hater on snow storms, but not yesterday - yesterday I was thrilled to have been stuck inside the house with my bug so I could watch her roll over...then to see her sit up for a good amount of time on her own while she smashed her chubby hands on the toys. To top it off, one of her bottom teeth is starting to poke through (both are coming up but now you can see one more than the other).
Now I get it.....it really does happen fast!
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