Back at it

Today was my first bw and u/s appointment. One would think that after having been to these appointments hundreds of times, I would be used to it. That I would be used to going to the second floor of the hospital, that I would be used to sitting in the waiting room (alone today), that I would be used to blood being sucked out of my arm...and well, I don't think anyone would be used to the Wanda the Wand meetings.
But no, that was not the case this morning.

Driving down the traffic was a breeze. The music was blasting, windows were open.....it was a great morning.

I arrived super early so I sat in the parking garage and played on my phone for a bit and when I shut the Jeep off, my stomach dropped. Nervous belly kicked in. What the hell was going on? It felt like this was the first day of a new school and I knew no one. Was it because the last time I was there I found out I was preggers? Couldn't be - knew that I wasn't thanks to AF showing up when she needed to. Is it because this might be it for us? Could this be the last time we go through this whole process (if successful)?

Appointment went rather quickly - stopped by my house on the way to work for a quick second and was able to give Bug a few more kisses. Off to work I go....blah!

Here we are again.......sitting........waiting.........starring at my phone........waiting for that number!

One of those weeks

Not even sure where to begin with this one..........I guess I'll start with this:

Hello Mr. Lupron....we meet again!!!!! And I already hate you!!!!!!!!!! After only 3 days of being on you, the headaches have already started.....ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

Now to back track. Hubs and I both took this past Thursday off to head to 'The Cape' because his sister rented a house for the week and his family was going to be down there. We both agreed to pack for 2 days and see what happens. Now the reason I have 'The Cape' like this is for a few reasons....one, I don't consider that town the Cape since it is before the bridge (will refrain from naming the town because I'm gonna bash the shit out of it), the town itself was straight up disgusting! Nothing about this town reminded me of the Cape ...AT ALL! When we pull up to the house, I immediately became overwhelmed as his whole family started to bum rush the car. After taking a few deep breathes I make my way out to get Bug, who was in need of a diaper change. I left hubs to unpack the car while I handled that.....with my MIL hovering over my shoulder. Again, take deep breathes.

The house.....oh the house, was gross! Before anyone thinks I'm little Miss Prissy Pants, you are wrong.....my favorite past times are hitting dive bars (because that is where you really have the most fun!) Okay back to the house - it was nasty! Not in a dirty/filthy way - just stunk and needed a gazillion updates! Hubs and I get ready to head down to the beach and my SIL was waiting for us. She told us she was very mislead on the house, that the beach was actually 2 streets away and not 1. Really? You're gonna go with that as your first complaint? That one? Not the fact that the second night there ya'll had no water and they had to drive down to fix it? Not that the house was in shambles and desperately needed a face lift? Huh...right on.

The walk to the beach was literally not even 1 minute long. The only nice thing about the beach....didn't get crowded. Spent the day down there and had lunch on the pier, which that was really good! Hubs, niece, Bug and I head back to the house around 4:30 to get showers done before the rest of the crew came back. The shower.....it would have been better if I filled the tub and took a bath. Pretty sure I still had shampoo in my hair when I got out - even my SIL was worried for me because of the amount of hair I have!

Hubs, SIL and her friend head out to go get lobsters/steamers for dinner while myself and my BIL head to get some beer. I had no words for what we saw when we were in there......well I do, trash! If the shower worked better, I probably would have taken another one when we got back to the house! We had a nice dinner and enjoyed some conversation before Bug decided she wasn't having the pack-n-play in this place. Took about an hour for her to finally realize we weren't coming back up to rescue her. Once she was out my MIL told us to all go out for a drink. Since I never go out, I took her up on that opportunity! Hubs and I debated changing but realized who cared what we looked liked. We waited for the other 3 to come out front for a bit until we couldn't take it anymore - we left.

Get to the bar and told him I just needed a stiff Bacardi and Diet! The rest of them met us and the night was fun - bar shut down at 11 and Hubs wanted to just have one more drink. Hubs, myself and my SIL best friend all went to the local bar for one more. Now, you know the scenes in movies where someone walks into the bar and everyone turns the heads and the music stops.....yup, that's what it felt like! HA I will say I've been in worse bars, to the point I've felt like I've needed a tetanus shot, but still, this one was up there! 

The next morning we were up bright and early with Bug and took a walk around the town - only to confirm how disgusting the town really was! When we got back my FIL was still the only one up, this, on top of the shitty weather that was coming in from the hurricane, made up our minds that we were going home. Neither one of us wanted to have Bug suffer another night. Packed up and headed home.

Once home I noticed what I thought was heat rash from the day before was still there and she had a slight fever. Thinking it was from all 4 of her teeth coming down, we didn't think much of the fever.....until the next morning when the rash had spread to her face!

Off to the doctor's to have him tell us she has what he believes to be Roseola - nothing to be concerned about. Ran some errands that afternoon and spent the afternoon in Boston Sunday....wondering if everyone thought our kid had scabies. When we got home I went up to change out of my sundress and notice my whole torso is covered in a rash. WHAT IN THE FUCK?????? Hubs and I try to figure out what I ate that would cause this - what happens when I have an allergic reaction. Nothing, nothing I ate or drank was anything new. Take a benedryl and see what happens.

By Tuesday it was time for me to go to the doctor's to get my rash looked at - daycare called and said Bug needed to be picked up because her temp was 101.5, so hubs went to get her and bring her to the doc. I met them after my appointment only to find out I had to take her to get blood work done. Um, nope, no I don't. My heart broke into a million pieces when I opened the back door and saw her so lethargic and her body temp was so hot! I cried pretty much the whole way to the hospital because I just wanted her better, wanted to know what was going on, and truthfully didn't want to bring her to get blood work!

We get registered with the ER department and head to lab - she wouldn't leave my chest. I was trying everything I could to make her giggle and succeeded once. Door opens and they call her name....ugh, I'm not ready to do this. Off we go. Once in the room they inform me I have to sit with her in the blood sucker chair.....awesome! After they find a good vein, in her hand, I warn them that she is very strong - so we all clamp down a little tighter. I'm not sure if Bug was just done with everyone poking and prodding her or was hitting a drug como....but that little shit made one little 'eh' sound and then was falling asleep on me as they were sucking her blood out! PHEW............

Spent the day home with her yesterday and she seemed to be doing better, but still clingy which made getting work done a little difficult. Once she was down, I notice that my rash has really spread to my legs/arms. Come ON! I decided to take a shower to see if it was maybe from the lotion I used that morning - totally reaching, as I knew that wasn't the case. Back to the doctor's I went.......had a NP this time who tried telling me it was heat rash.....I'm sorry swan, I haven't been in the sun for a long period of time since LAST Thursday. Try again. They believe it's contact dermatitis - not sure what from since I haven't used anything different (soaps, lotions, detergents) so who the hell knows what is happening with me right now.

Hubs brought Bug to daycare and told me once he went in to the other room, 'all the little faces had spots on them.' Perfect.....just perfect.

Just a little romance

Really isn't a lot to ask, right? Hubs and I are really not the touchy, feely, public display of affection type of people, which is okay. But once in a while it's nice for him to grab my hand or give me a nice kiss for no apparent reason.

When we first started dating it was all about the romance - doors were opened for me, dinners out at nice places, walked next to me, etc. Now....okay the dinners out are few and far between but when we do, we still go to nice places (we are very much foodies) but doors opened...HA, I'm lucky I can catch them before they are shut in my face. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but sometimes I miss my boyfriend.
I know I've changed too - we all do. We all become comfortable and forget what it was like in the beginning.

Hubs and I went away for the night a while back and it was great. Neither one of us 'checked in' on Crackbook (aka Facebook) we didn't post anything, we didn't text anyone - we did call my parents a few times to make sure our daughter was okay - and it felt great. It was like how we were when we first started dating, okay not really like how we first started dating, I did have to ask him to walk with me instead of ahead of me :) We ate, we drank, we talked, without any interruptions. No one from work calling or texting him about what they should do, how they should handle things, etc. Just him and I.

Don't get me wrong, we missed Bug immensely, but sometimes it's nice to have alone time - it doesn't make us bad parents that we took a night for ourselves....once in a blue moon, ah now I want a Blue Moon.....once in a blue moon is okay!

After being together for almost 10 years now I often wonder how to get the spark back. Then I stop....when I get a picture text of a diaper filled to the brim of poop with a comment, "biggest one yet!"

Wrong Profession

I often wonder how I got in to the profession I am in....HR for an automotive company.There are days I have to bite my tongue before I tell someone they are being a jackhole....or tell the young kids to put on their big boy pants when they come to my office to complain about being picked on in the shop (and no, it is NOT bullying.....I know the difference!!!)

Today was another example of me biting my tongue. As I was sitting with a new hire, we start to chat. She asks if the pictures on my back shelf were of my daughter, and I tell her they are. She then proceeds to tell me that her friend, who's 20, has a 10 month old and is pregnant with twin boys (told me she was married to a guy in the military in case I thought her friend might be some kind of tramp or something....last thing that was going through my mind) and how no one believed that she had given birth after her daughter because she lost all her weight 2 months after.

Now....my first thought in my head was.....GET OUT!
But knowing that wouldn't be professional, I decided to throw daggers with my eyes. Okay not intentionally, it just happened.

Why the hell would you say that? Good for your 20 year old friend who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and bounce right back after having a baby. Why don't you come to me when your friend is say....37....and see how's she's doing. Does she still have that rock hard, 20 year old figure??? Gonna go with no, no she doesn't. Because guess what swan, in real life, your body goes away - unless you work really hard at keeping it in shape (which is a lot of work...I've done it!).

Maybe I should make a drinking game out of how many times I have to bite my tongue....hmmmm
Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Mom's Night Out

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! It is sad to admit that last night was the first night I went out with my girlfriends...since....forever! The day moved nice and quickly, picked up Bug from day care and she was in the best mood she's been in all week. Get home and hubs arrives shortly after I do - which gave me time to start to pack overnight bags for her and I for tonight.

Two of my girlfriends and I jump in my Jeep and off we go. I felt guilty for a hot minute when I was pulling out of the driveway...will hubs be okay with her by himself? will she be on her schedule? will he remember to give her a bath? Then I shut my brain off and said, he's got this. Well...he forgot the bath, but whatever. She went down no problem for him, which was great because my fear was coming home and she'd be on my side of the bed!

We got to the location for dinner and met up with the other 3 girls....wait wasn't too long, thank God, because I was starving and would have throat punched someone if I had to wait a long time! Yes, I get hangry....that and on top of it taking over an hour to get to where we needed to be....all I needed was food and a beer.

Once we are seated I open the menu, to 3 pages of beer. WHAT in the WHAT?????? Literally could not focus and felt the pressure when it came to my turn - good thing my girlfriend next to me picked a beer that I thought I would enjoy because I just muttered, I'll have what she's having.

Now that the pressure of choice of beer was over with, I flipped the page. Only to find 7 pages of food options. Come on........I start to eliminate sections and finally focus on what I want. Took the menu and threw it towards to top of the table so I couldn't change my mind.

The laughter and conversations were too much to keep up with. I knew I missed this, but didn't realize how much.

After listening to two of my girlfriends talking, I turned to the one next to me and say: you know how you know you are old? Your dinner conversation consists of Crohn's Disease.
We both burst into laughter and started to wonder what happened to us.....the good old days of conversations that consisted of who did the walk of shame in the early morning hours? how drunk we all were the night before? where were going tonight?

At this point the conversations started to turn and go back to the way we were...completely inappropriate!

I sat back in the booth, took a sip of my blueberry beer and smiled.....man I missed this!

Food

Whoever thought it was a good idea to give a child rice, is clearly insane! That shit gets EVERYWHERE!!!!

I must have stood there for a good 10 minutes before realizing I couldn't leave Bug in her highchair all night....contemplated it, but didn't. Scooped her, and about a pound of rice, up from her seat to hang directly over the kitchen sink and started to wipe these sticky grains off....oh along with mashed avocado. Looking back now, I WAS the insane one for choosing this as her meal!
*Note to self.....NEVER AGAIN do this combination*

Gearing up for her to start to eat table food - makes her sound like a dog - it was hard. It meant time was running away from me and I hated it! Why is it that when we were working so hard for her to come into our lives, time moved at a snails pace....but now, her first birthday is 2 months and 3 days away! WHAT???? It's no joke when they say time flies!

Back to food.....she's been on the school lunch program all week (our daycare has their own 'chef' who prepares meals/snacks for the kids....worth paying the price (aka second mortgage) now that we are doing this. She's had anything from bagels and cream cheese to turkey wraps (okay not a real wrap but more turkey pieces and whole wheat wrap pieces sprinkled on her tray). Snacks are usually fruits/veggies, yogurt, cheese, and crackers.

She's out with Hubs today at an Indian restaurant.....wonder if she likes curry?

That mom!

Have you ever been out in public and you hear a screaming child and wonder why the parents cannot quiet them down? Yup, I was THAT mom yesterday!

Bug and I went out after her 10:00 feeding to run some errands - figuring I had plenty of time before she was ready to eat lunch...boy was I wrong! Hit one store and she did great - got some things for Hubs birthday, some cute stuff for her and a few other things. I checked the time and figured I could do a quick run through the grocery store before we had to head home. My cue should have been her crying in the backseat during the 2 minute car ride from one store to the next!

Thinking she was just warm, I quickly get her out of the car and into the store....she was fine. That lasted about 3 isles before she was crying and the looks started....settle down lady, it's not like we are at Church or in a movie theater....her crying isn't going to interfere with you grabbing another box of cookies!

I high tail it to the baby food isle...where the fuck is the baby food isle.....for the LOVE of Pete!!!! After I made it safely to that section of the store, realizing I most likely ran over a few feet trying to find my way, I reach for a container of Puffs. Rip off the plastic wrapping only to have it not completely go all the way down, making it damn near impossible for the cap to come off.

The crying gets louder.....you plastic piece of shit, come OFF! Bam, there it goes, across the isle and I begin to pass these heaven from Godsend treats into her little mouth.

The crying has subsided....phew!

Start to make my way to the next isle and the tears start again....clearly these star shaped, air puffed Puffs are not going to cut it. Off to the register I go.

Trying to get that container out of my 9 month old hands was damn near impossible - that girl has one strong grip! Damn it where is that stupid cap again!?!??!

Ask the cashier to quickly scan the Puffs so it can go back to being super glued in Bugs hand. I couldn't have been happier with the line I chose. The two women were amazing at keeping her engaged and then a young kid came over because he wasn't bagging and helped entertain her while I was checking out.

So thank you my dear Stop-n-Shop employees....thank you for not making me fee like THAT mom! I will come back to see you again, even though I'm not a huge fan of your store, I am now a huge fan of your employees!