A New Day

Happy Trick or Treating Day!!!! Cannot wait for the kids in the neighborhood to get this candy out of my house!
So today is a new day. I will try not to dwell on anything bad/negative and keep taking steps forward. I will focus on me, my husband, our marriage and enjoy each and every moment we have together. I will continue with our struggle to start a family with my head held high and continue to know in my heart and soul it will happen.

Reason for this: yesterday I received an email from my oldest sister (in response to telling them about the doctor's appointment) and her choice of words hit me hard - 'my disorder' will the baby have this 'disability'. I was so angry because it's not a disability or a disorder. I responded telling her this and that there is a very good chance she has it too with the history of miscarriages in our family. Even my husband was taken back by her choice of words (and he normally doesn't get too bothered by much of anything). When I was venting to my middle sister (we are as close as you can imagine - literally speak 3/4 times a day) I told her I didn't even want to go to her surprise 40th this weekend and asked if I could lie and say I had a medical procedure - which she told me I couldn't because I wasn't leaving her to go by herself. Then I told her I could just say my 'disability' was acting up - we both just burst into laughter.
So now, I will look at this image and practice it each and every day!

Emotional and Informational Overload

Well Sandy you wouldn't have been too bad if you didn't knock out my power last night....now panic has set in about when it will be back on - meds need to stay nice and chilled woman!!!

Okay Friday, well didn't turn out to be all that great. We, well I was told that my doctor wanted to see me on Monday to discuss the results of the genetic testing. Already knowing that the hubs tests came back normal, I knew something was wrong with me. I completely broke down. Left work (granted it was only 10 minutes before I normally leave) but just left in an abrupt fashion that my boss/one of the girls in the office immediately sent me a text making sure I was okay....I wasn't. I barely made it out of the building before I could feel the tears come down my cheek - made it to the Jeep and started to sob. Got home and just cried. Why does this keep happening to me? What is wrong with me? All of these negative thoughts just kept flooding my head. Talk about taking huge steps backwards - was in such a great mind set for this next cycle and then God takes a baseball bat to my gut and grand slams me over center field!
Get through the weekend trying to keep myself positive - it can't be all that bad, she is still moving forward with this cycle. So up I wake at 5:30 a.m. and continue to stab myself with the needle.

Monday morning I waited until at least 7 to call the office to see if I can have my appointment over the phone (was late afternoon and knew that was when it was going to be pretty nasty out) luckily for me, they had cancellations and could get me in late morning. The hubs, who had to go in to work, met me at the hospital and told me how nice I looked. Said I should at least look good for bad news, right? Sitting in that dreadful waiting room she finally comes to call us in. Immediately she knows I'm beyond worried and said we did find something, but it's not all that terrible and it's something we can work with. As I'm fighting back the tears I just want to hear what is wrong with me. I have what is called Balanced Robertsonian Translocation. What in the hell is that you ask???? Well let me put it to you in 'normal' language -  Basically one of my 13th chromosome and one of my 14th chromosome decided it would be so cool to join together! Like Siamese twins!! WICKED COOL..........as she's explaining all of this and how she sees this once a month with her patients my head is in a whirl wind of questions/concerns. Trying to hold myself together, I can feel the tears welt up in my eyes. It wasn't until she said this that I completely broke down and covered my face sobbing: "I don't think it would be a good idea for the two of you to try on your own anymore." She might as well said, hand over your ovaries and uterus now! Of course I know she is looking out for our best interest and does not want to see me miscarry anymore than I already have. Went through the bazillion questions and then the nurse brought us over the the Genetic Specialist to make our next appointment - again thank you hurricane Sandy - we got right in. After speaking with her, who by the way looked like she was 25, we felt much more at ease. We are able to continue with this cycle and get the PGD (test that determines which eggs are in tip-top shape and which ones have the bad chromosomes). The downsides to this: might not have any good eggs to transfer, might not make it to Day 5.

After digesting all of this, the hubs and I decided to look at this as a positive! We know what is wrong - we have an answer. I was tested negative for Cystic Fibrosis. We got right in to both doctors. We are not cancelling this cycle. We are able to get the PGD testing. My surgery is not the cause of this.
I have the most amazing husband/marriage, family, friends. I need to get back on this horse of mine - let's call him Blaze....sounds tuff!! HA
Today - took one step forward!

Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live today like it is your last...

It's Friday Bit**es!!!!

Thank you for it FINALLY being Friday!!!! Wa Hoo!!!!! Today is/was the big day - went in for blood work first thing this morning and shockingly was not the first person - got there at 6:50 a.m. Sign in and take a seat while 'Joan' got called in first. She's in and out like a flash and now it's my turn. Go into the blood sucking room and watch her search the list of all the women coming in today for blood work - my thoughts start to wander....are they coming for their first time, are they coming to get results from their first round of IUI/IVF, are they coming to see if their numbers have doubled....to all of these questions, the answer I know is Yes! Of course I wish them all the very best of luck for whichever appointment it will be for them.
Now I'm still sitting there waiting for her to suck my blood out while she's going through the sticker list....and I quote: "What are you here for today?" Um, I'm sorry , WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You're kidding right????? Take a deep breath and explain what I'm there for and asked if I wasn't on 'the list'. Thankfully the woman at the front was still adding everyone's names in so I hadn't made the 'sticker list' just yet, but was on the master one! *Phew* The nurse was very pleased with my vein, which I had to thank Mr. Vita Coco Coconut and Pineapple coconut water I was guzzling down on my drive in (note to self, make sure I do this each time!) Blood taken, band-aide on, sent on my way.
Driving into work I begin to plan my very, VERY quiet day. Traffic was a breeze so I wasn't too late for work. Updated the girls on the forum and now I wait.....staring at my phone....wishing it to ring. Nada, nothing, zip! Come on super powers that I think I have, make them call!!! Wanting to shake my phone to see if that will make them call any faster I figure I might as well start today's blog! By the way, still no call! HA

What random thought can I discuss today.....ah, here's one. Not sharing what you are going to name your child (I do apologize for anyone reading this that is choosing to do so....). Why? What is the big secret - if you are hiding the sex of the baby give them a girl's name and boy's name. I ESPECIALLY love when I am told, um yeah, we are not sharing with anyone....like I'm going to steal your babies name...hello, McFly, if you haven't noticed, not preggo's so don't need a name (yet) I do however already have a few picked out that I of course do not mind sharing. Boy: Devon Joseph (hubs middle name is Joseph), Caleb William (William is FIL) Girl: Amelia Verris (Amelia is hubs grandmother's name and Verris is a combo of both of my grandmother's name - Veronica and Phyllis). Proud of the names we have picked and if anyone wants to take them, make sure you explain how you came up with Verris ;)

AND.....they finally called!!! Was literally carrying my phone around me every time I left my office! Okay GOOD news...Mr. Lupron and I meet again tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. - other good news...hubs genetic testing came back normal. Now for me, ugh......my protein c was 'slightly elevated' but is going to discuss with doctor to see if I need to have it re-done (fingers crossed I won't) BUT they still don't have my carrier type testing back. When I asked why she just said they have been taking their time lately and has already put a call in. Okay, hmmm....but you got his back and not mine? Huh....breath.....bottom line, we are officially starting round #2!!!!
Dancing in my chair!!!!!

Sing like no one is listening....Dance like no one is watching...Live like today is your last...

***Warning***

This is what I feel I should be wearing across my forhead during this whole process....a big fat warning label. Warning: I'm going through IVF - Warning: I could burst into tears at any minute - Warning: if you tell me you're pregnant and I don't look happy, deep down inside (gotta look deep...keep going) I really am. For the people that do know you are struggling to have a family, why must they feel they need to comment. We've all experienced it and I won't go into the different idiotic statements - as I'm pretty sure you've heard at least one today! :)
I will mention one, that literally had me in stitches....I read this one on a forum (fertilitycommunity.com which is AMAZING) this one girl posted how she was told to keep socks on. Oh that's right, you read it correctly - keep your socks on. It helps with blood flow to the uterus to help things stick....again, laughing hysterically at my desk. So me, being the wise ass that I am, responded and said she should have asked if they had to be wool or would cotton do....honest to the Lord above people! Socks? REALLY????? Anywho.....back to my warning label....as I was waiting in the dentist's office - I see this father and his little girl (probably 9-10 months) on his shoulders and he's walking through the parking lot looking ever so happy - THIS is wear a warning label would work - warning: going to cry hysterically in your waiting room as I wish to see this with my husband and child. Luckily for all those who were in the room with me, they called my name!

We are getting closer and closer to the big day - Friday's blood work determines if Lupron shots start on Saturday. I get all giddy and excited at thinking we are so close to starting and then Ruby Realist shows up: you are really excited to wake up at 5:30 am every day to jab yourself with a needle (wake up at 5 for work during the week - best time for me to give shots) - you are really excited to pump your system full of meds - you are really excited to have to get your blood taken nearly every other day - you are really excited to have the internal ultra sounds - you are really excited to have your ovaries so swollen that it hurts to lay on your stomach/to even work out......to you, Ms. Ruby Realist, I say YES! YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live today like it is your last...

Cravings...what to eat....etc...

Today's cafeteria sandwich special: The Elvis....peanut butter, bacon...oh I'm sorry, crisp bacon, and bananas grilled on Texas Toast. What in the?????

 Why would you even want to make something like that unless you have cravings...which thankfully no one at work is preggers - to my knowledge. Don't get the whole cravings thing either - what causes you to want pickles and ice cream? What part of any of that sounds appetizing?? Is that really a craving or something you just see in the movies?? Huh.
Was doing some reading this morning - which thankfully my screen faces me and not out so everyone can see - and read eating pineapple core the day of your transfer and after - for a total of 5 days (cut the core into 5 bite sized pieces) will help the embies stick.....again, what in the????? Don't get me wrong, told myself, hey I can give that a whirl. Hell I'll walk out on my hands after the transfer and stay that way until we get a BFP!  Whatever I can do to help these little buggers stick, I'll do it! HA
As predicted the hubs was not a fan of adding another vitamin to his routine - unfortunately I was unable to bust out the routine I had choreographed in my head...instead I won this battle over email! I feel that it was totally acceptable, as he can sense when I have a 'tone' :)
That's all for now.....need to get ready for the dentist - SUPER excited to hear this: Any changes in medication since we last saw you???? Um what you are really asking me is....still on IVF medication huh? boy that sucks!
Till next time ;)

Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live like today is your last...

Another day, another dollar....

That will go towards IVF. Granted I am a very fortunate woman who's insurance covers pretty much everything but the co-pays, and am still amazed by how you all do this out of pocket. Hats off to you all! One more day closer to finding out if we are good to go with this next cycle...pretty sure we are since I could even tell I was ovulating the other day! So weird to me how in-tune I am with my body after going through all of this - years ago I couldn't even tell you when AF was coming, when I would be ovulating, how many days my cycle was, etc. Now I can tell you what cycle day I am - cycle day 16 by the way!
My mind is having it's own Indy 500 today...I keep thinking, maybe I can find a pair of ruby red slippers, click my heels three times - I'd be past all the shots, beta tests, DREADED 2ww and hearing, "congrats and welcome to your second trimester"...listen a girl can dream right?
Am I ready for this next cycle? Mentally? Physically? I thought I was and them BAM Mr. 'What If' shows up....completely uninvited and most certainly unwelcome....so now I will dance around all the 'what if' questions, comments that will flood my head and try to talk about them with the hubs tonight.
What makes this cycle harder is that we agreed not to tell anyone what we are doing/when anything is....expect my new found family - the infertile's :) You all will have to listen to my rants/roller coaster of emotions because I know each and every one of you get it, you've been there, you've walked down this really bumpy road!
Tonight's new plan - buy vitamins that will help the little guys swim better. Figure why not, if I'm getting all jacked up on meds, he can join me - already hearing the discussions about now he already takes his multi and now he'll have to taken another one....my end to that 'discussion' will be opening the fridge and start to sing the LMFAO song Shots and then continue to sing and probably dance down the hallway into the bathroom and show him the other copious amounts of medication that I have to take.....Kelly 1 - Hubs 0!

Sing like no one is listening.....Dance like no one is watching.....Live today like it is your last.....

Another weekend coming to an end before I can even begin to do what I wanted to do.....until we meet again! Had a wonderful date night with my husband last night and enjoyed my last glass of wine for a little while (and hopefully an extended time with a successful IVF cycle). Going on facebook to see what the latest buzz was, I came across a picture of a sonogram with the caption - we are growing our family. It was a kid I went to college with and as happy as I am for him and his new wife, my heart sank. My mood suddenly went from happy, having a wonderful night with my husband, to sad and confused. I am trying so hard not to go to Depressed Town, but it just makes my head spin. What is wrong with me? Why am I unable to get pregnant without the help of medication...and even that is proving to not be on my side.....it's just so hard to stay positive when I see things like this. But I will continue to take deep breaths and march forward. Hoping we receive good news Friday when I go in for blood work that we are able to begin shots Saturday - and of course when I say we, I mean me - hubs isn't so good with needles :)
Off to finish my chores and get ready for some football.....

Sing like no one is listening, Dance like no one is watching, Live like today is your last.....

Let's start from the beginning.....

Well I have finally broke down and decided to blog about the journey of trying to get preggers....first time blogging so give me some time :)
A little history/background: I'm 35 and my husband is 39 (not spring chickens anymore). We have been married 3 years this past month. Once we got married we started to try to have children right away, like most couples do. Married in October, pregnant in January (well found out we were) - to me, I was not surprised as my other sisters/mother didn't seem to have too many problems getting pregnant. At that point I couldn't wait to become a mother and start our family together. It wasn't until we were at our 8 week appointment that we found out we lost the baby. I never in a million years thought my heart could break as much as it did in such a short time from these few words: "I'm sorry, there is not heartbeat". I had become so angry, hurt, confused, sad, devastated - you name an emotion, I felt it. I wondered how woman who smoked while they were pregnant were able to have a healthy baby (there was a woman at my previous job who did this and made me physically sick...but to each their own).
This puts us in March (happy birthday to me) - we chose to have a D&C because I couldn't bare to have mother nature take her time to have me pass this unborn fetus.
The day of the D&C I was so scared and decided to not have my husband in the room with me as I didn't want him to have to go through any more pain than we had gone through already. Well not sure what or why, but when the nurse came in and asked if he was coming in the room I blurted out yes. Shocked I looked at him and asked if he was okay with that - knowing it wasn't even a question. I was so glad he was in there with me because the procedure that was supposed to take 10-15 minutes, took a lot longer......this is where my story takes a turn and I like to think educational to women.
The doctor stated that due to my tilted uterus he had a difficult time which is why he had to go in a few times and why it took so long. Okay, he's a doctor, he's know what he is talking about. We get home and I remember sleeping the day away. The next day my husband took me out for a walk so I could get out of the house for a bit. During the next few days I was uncomfortable, pains in the abdomen - at follow up appointments the see that something is still in my uterus but know it's not live tissue as no blood is going to it. I was then given medication that basically contracted my uterus to help push whatever it was out - God Bless you women who give birth naturally....I quickly learned how to do yoga breaths that night! :) Stayed home the following day as I didn't know when this 'object' would pass.....early afternoon I remember seeing more blood in the toilet (sorry tmi) so I felt a sigh of relief thinking that it was finally working and passing. Well I couldn't have been more wrong!!! I was bleeding from an area you are not supposed to bleed from.
Panic sets in and I call my husband and then call the on call nurse - looking back now I know she was just doing her job, but she asked me if I was sure the blood was coming from there....wanted to reach through the phone and grab her by the throat. When my husband got home, we went to the local emergency room and this is when I started to get a fever and started to feel worse. Test after test they finally sent me to Boston to be with them and their better equipment. More tests and tests they finally told me in the elevator on the way back down to the room in the ER we were in that I had to be rushed into emergency surgery - I was dying because I had been septic for a week. At this point I pretty much went into shock and when they brought me into the room I knew my husband already knew by the look on his face. To this day, that is still the hardest thing for me - seeing my husband break down and cry. They gave us a minute to ourselves and came back in to explain the surgery.....basically I had Charlie Brown's teacher come back in because I do not remember a word that came out of their mouths.
As they wheeled me away I looked at him and said he had to call our families - no one knew where we were or what was going on....and boy did we pay for that afterwards :) They had to perform an ileostomy surgery that I had for 12 weeks (which I named Stewie the Stoma once I became 'okay' with the situation) and had the reversal. Three scars on my stomach remind me everyday of a quote that was sent to me during all of this: Tough Times Never Last, Tough People Do!
Almost 3 years later - labeled Unexplained Infertility - 3 failed IUI's - 1 failed IVF we are about to begin the road down IVF #2.
WOW - that was a lot for the first blog huh???? HAHAHAHA
Till next time.....

Sing like no one is listening - Dance like no one is watching - Live like it is your last day!!