Emotional and Informational Overload

Well Sandy you wouldn't have been too bad if you didn't knock out my power last night....now panic has set in about when it will be back on - meds need to stay nice and chilled woman!!!

Okay Friday, well didn't turn out to be all that great. We, well I was told that my doctor wanted to see me on Monday to discuss the results of the genetic testing. Already knowing that the hubs tests came back normal, I knew something was wrong with me. I completely broke down. Left work (granted it was only 10 minutes before I normally leave) but just left in an abrupt fashion that my boss/one of the girls in the office immediately sent me a text making sure I was okay....I wasn't. I barely made it out of the building before I could feel the tears come down my cheek - made it to the Jeep and started to sob. Got home and just cried. Why does this keep happening to me? What is wrong with me? All of these negative thoughts just kept flooding my head. Talk about taking huge steps backwards - was in such a great mind set for this next cycle and then God takes a baseball bat to my gut and grand slams me over center field!
Get through the weekend trying to keep myself positive - it can't be all that bad, she is still moving forward with this cycle. So up I wake at 5:30 a.m. and continue to stab myself with the needle.

Monday morning I waited until at least 7 to call the office to see if I can have my appointment over the phone (was late afternoon and knew that was when it was going to be pretty nasty out) luckily for me, they had cancellations and could get me in late morning. The hubs, who had to go in to work, met me at the hospital and told me how nice I looked. Said I should at least look good for bad news, right? Sitting in that dreadful waiting room she finally comes to call us in. Immediately she knows I'm beyond worried and said we did find something, but it's not all that terrible and it's something we can work with. As I'm fighting back the tears I just want to hear what is wrong with me. I have what is called Balanced Robertsonian Translocation. What in the hell is that you ask???? Well let me put it to you in 'normal' language -  Basically one of my 13th chromosome and one of my 14th chromosome decided it would be so cool to join together! Like Siamese twins!! WICKED COOL..........as she's explaining all of this and how she sees this once a month with her patients my head is in a whirl wind of questions/concerns. Trying to hold myself together, I can feel the tears welt up in my eyes. It wasn't until she said this that I completely broke down and covered my face sobbing: "I don't think it would be a good idea for the two of you to try on your own anymore." She might as well said, hand over your ovaries and uterus now! Of course I know she is looking out for our best interest and does not want to see me miscarry anymore than I already have. Went through the bazillion questions and then the nurse brought us over the the Genetic Specialist to make our next appointment - again thank you hurricane Sandy - we got right in. After speaking with her, who by the way looked like she was 25, we felt much more at ease. We are able to continue with this cycle and get the PGD (test that determines which eggs are in tip-top shape and which ones have the bad chromosomes). The downsides to this: might not have any good eggs to transfer, might not make it to Day 5.

After digesting all of this, the hubs and I decided to look at this as a positive! We know what is wrong - we have an answer. I was tested negative for Cystic Fibrosis. We got right in to both doctors. We are not cancelling this cycle. We are able to get the PGD testing. My surgery is not the cause of this.
I have the most amazing husband/marriage, family, friends. I need to get back on this horse of mine - let's call him Blaze....sounds tuff!! HA
Today - took one step forward!

Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live today like it is your last...