One week to go!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas/Holiday!

My brother and his wife announced they were expecting right before we started to open gifts on Christmas Eve. Immediately I could feel all eyes on me to see what my reaction was going to be, thank God I was prepared ;) My aunt who was next to me asked if they trumped me and I just shook my head and said no and then she reached over to grab my arm. So our little secret is still safe!
My middle sister was shocked by my reaction and said it wasn't what she thought it would be and then I told her I knew for a few weeks. I was surprised though when I went on Facebook and my godparents daughter announced they were expecting (recently married this summer). The poor thing has been so sick (what the Princess has/had) that she's been in the hospital 3 different times for a period of time. Thankfully she was better to be released right before Christmas so she could be home with her family.

One more week until we can finally see our little bean and hear the heartbeat! I pray every night that the bean is growing and has a strong heartbeat. This will be a first for us. With our first loss we only saw the heartbeat, we never heard it. One more week! Thankfully it hasn't been too hard with the holidays to keep me busy and my mind off of the waiting game.

I just can't wait to tell the family. I wish I could wait until we were doing family pictures in February - just shout out I'm pregnant and have her get everyone's reaction....that would be fantastic, but no way I can wait that long!!!! Instead we will have it be a great birthday present for my father - we are going to wrap a frame with the u/s picture in it.....mom's always get the news first so I'll let my dad be the first one this time!

Here is to a fabulous 2013!!!
xoxo

Merry Christmas - Happy Holidays

Well I've been slacking.....boy oh boy! Trying to keep myself busy with the holidays to keep my mind off the LONG wait until our ultra sound!

I do want to wish you all a very 

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! 

Thank you all for your constant support through all of this and for taking the time to read my life's journey!
xoxo

Beta #3

Today was my third Beta. It was with Nurse Nancy who I love and we always end up just chatting away. It was super quiet in the office today and she explained that with the holidays they don't have too many people in cycles right now - yay for me, no waiting!
As she drawing my blood, we are chatting about the holidays and some secrets to make it look like you are enjoying an adult beverage - she did the bait and switch with her husbands wine glass :) I'll stick to my sprite with lime!

Gear up to start my day but I just can't help starring at my phone - again, told myself not to answer. Right on time, there is the number. This time it's odd. My phone is not vibrating and then there was no message. I immediately think the worst - par for the course with this whole process. I start to think she didn't have the nerve to leave me bad news on my voice mail, she wants to tell me over the phone. I call back and leave her a message. Within 10 minutes there is that phone number again. This time I answer.

Nurse Nancy: Kelly? I'm so sorry I didn't leave a message. I had to hang up due to a fire alarm.

Me: Oh, okay. I couldn't help but think it was bad news. It isn't right?

Nurse Nancy: (laughing) of course not. Your levels went up to 931. *slight pause as she knows as I'm trying to calm down* Now, let's schedule your first u/s. It will be January 3rd at 11:30.......

The conversation goes into more detail, but I will not bore you. All that matters - Beta went to 931!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas to Me and the Hubs!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hang up with her and immediately call him - he was so happy to hear that the numbers are going up and thinks this could be it! I agree, this little bean is going to make it! Still be cautious of course...January 3rd is  some ways away. Taking it one day at a time!

NOW for my dilemma. I was hoping that I could tell our immediate family at Christmas (my family Christmas Eve and his Christmas Day) Thought about taking the embaby picture, a picture of the HPT, and a picture of the 3 parking tickets from the garage with the Betas on them and putting in frame to give to the parents (with a label that will say open cautiously)....that was until a strong wave came over me that my brother and his wife might be announcing something. I emailed them both asking if they were going to announce anything at Christmas to please let me know. He called last night. He NEVER calls me! So I knew. I knew she was preggers....I knew at Thanksgiving she was! Boy am I good! They are unsure what they are going to do since her first appointment isn't until New Years....yes, we are neck and neck....so now I don't know what to do. Call me selfish, hell I am, but I want to have my thunder! I want to be able to not have to share my news with them. They got preggers the easy way - we had to work way harder for ours! Just sayin' - HA

Guess I have a little more time to figure this out.....

Beta #2

Another date with the blood sucker this morning. I was so nervous and scared that the numbers didn't double and we would have to get through the holidays with a fake smile on our faces.

First one in this morning - in and out in a matter of minutes. On my way into work I just kept thinking of the last time we received the results of Beta #2 - which really isn't a good idea to let your mind wander when you are traveling on the highway in the morning commute! Thankfully it wasn't too bad or I'm pretty sure I would have caused an accident by not really paying attention! oops.

Get my day started and then the call comes in. My heart begins to race a million miles a minute and I choose to not answer. I'm such a chicken shit when it comes to this whole process and getting the results! After watching the phone for a few minutes waiting for the 'voice mail' icon to appear, I can't help but think it's taking too long, she's leaving bad news. Bam there is the icon. I grabbed the phone and started to shake before I could hit play.

"Hi Kelly it's Nurse Lisa (never met this one!). I have your results from this morning and your levels went up to 363 which is a very nice rise from Monday. We want you to come back in on Friday for one more Beta and if all goes well we will schedule your first ultra sound."

I cannot believe it! Did she really just say my levels increased nicely to 363?????????? I immediately text the hubs (knowing he's in his morning meeting and can't answer his phone) then of course next on my list is my Mafia IVF'ers and then the girls on the forum. Since we aren't telling anyone yet, my second family gets to share in my excitement/news!

One more hurdle we've jumped over - still plenty more.....but today, I'm still preggers and will enjoy every minute of it!

HPT and Beta #1

Well I broke down and tested Friday night - I just couldn't wait any longer. I stopped on my way home to get the pee sticks and then stopped at the gym to cancel our memberships (we have a home gym now so it's pointless to keep the membership)....as soon as I walked in the door - past the messy kitchen (hubs was making dinner....fantastic cook, but boy does he make a mess) - right into the bathroom to test.

Did my thing and just sat there starring at the stick gearing myself up for the worst. Then all of a sudden my stomach drops, my heart starts beating faster and my eyes fill with tears:

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Our little guy made it! I sat in the bathroom for about 10 minutes before I walked into the kitchen to tell the hubs. He was excited but of course optimistic and said we can't get too excited just yet. Knowing he was right, I still told him I could enjoy being preggers tonight....

Made it through my work Christmas Party with ease (thank you Sprite with a lime) and had a difficult time trying to convince some people that we were not going out afterwards....thankfully my parents were coming up the next day so I had a solid excuse. Spent the day with my mom and dad - went to lunch - hung out and then up to one of my nephew's hockey game. With the pill bottle containing my Estrace in one coat pocket and my phone in the other with the alarm set so I would remember to take them - that was tricky trying to get each one out without my sister noticing.

Today was the big Beta Day. Was the 3rd one in and when she brought me in she asked if this was the big day and I told her it was but I cheated and tested. When she asked if it was positive, she got so excited when I told her it was and now I need her to give me a great number. We chatted about how I've been through so much and she was so happy that I got a positive hpt, discussed the PGD testing results and she was shocked that only one made it - told her I wasn't, it was what I was expecting since they say on 20% would be normal. Then I mentioned how I thought it was crazy that the doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby the day of the transfer and she just smiled saying they all know. Quickly stopped her and said not right now, have to get through some obstacles first :) She sent me on my way and off to work I go.

Within an hour of being at my desk I see the number come across my phone and my stomach drops. Debated if I should answer. It was nurse Nancy with my results. "Well you know it's positive and it's positive! Congratulations! Your Beta level is 170 which is excellent." At that point I started to shake because I was so happy to hear a high number. I had to ask her again what she said to just confirm I heard the right number. Now I just need my little bean to keep growing and double those numbers for our next appointment.

To POAS or Not to POAS

It's coming close to when I should be able to get a result on a hpt......one of my Mafia IVFer's asked me why I haven't if my boobs are sore - simple answer: I'm chicken shit and scared that it will be negative. So she's asked for tomorrow, her birthday....talk about pressure :) Love all my girls! so maybe.... :) I did tell myself that I would on Sunday the day before my Beta. For two reasons: (1) to prepare for bad news and (2) be able to share with the hubs at home if it's good news.

Trying not to over analyze anything but it's so darn hard not to. I literally feel myself up throughout the day to make sure they are still sore - got a little nervous this morning when they weren't as sore but it wasn't until I put my bra on that I realized, yeah, still sore! I will have to say this wait hasn't been as nearly as bad as the last time - I'm thanking the holidays for this. I've been keeping myself occupied with decorating and shopping. Since the decorating part is done and shopping is close to done, I will keep motivated and wrap everything. Mind you, I'm the one that is out shopping the week before xmas and wrapping the night before xmas eve. So I'm pretty psyched to have it all done so early this year.....yes I know there are some crazies out there that are like, "you aren't done yet? wow, I was done months ago" - good for you crazy Christmas people :)

Today's random thought:
  In the ladies room, there are 3 stalls. The one on the far left is occupied, by me....you have two other options. WHY must you occupy the one next to me???? Space lady - always leave some personal space for a girl to pee. For cryin' out loud. I don't get it.

Catching up

Not so good at keeping up with this lately - took a break to just relax the past 4 days. Okay let's get you all up to speed.....

They say no news is good news right? Well I wouldn't have thought so in the world of IVF! After being physically sick to my stomach all day Wednesday while waiting for my phone to ring with the results of the genetic testing, I broke down and called my nurse. She left a message, as I didn't dare answer the phone, that they still hadn't seen anything sent over from Brigham and to call her first thing in the morning if I needed to talk, that and I would be expecting a call between 4-5 that day to schedule transfer. Shortly after that message Brigham was calling and still not sure why I answered, but I did. They were telling me what time to be there the next day and if something should change, they would give me a call.

Thursday morning up bright and early for my estrace and then tried keeping myself calm while starring at the phone hoping it would not ring. Hubs went off to work and I told him it would not be a pretty sight if he was late today. Made it through the morning/early afternoon with no call! PHEW! Hubs and I get to the hospital right on time and they gear us up. I mentioned how I had not heard the results from the testing to my nurse and she said she would get an embryologist - all I heard was "I don't want to upset her". Almost threw up on myself. Hubs and I had a bet of how many 'good' eggs we would have. He said 3 - bless his heart, and I said 1. All we need is 1. In comes the doctor and embryologist. Of the 8 that were fertilized, 7 were tested and 1 made the grade! Kelly -1, Hubs - 0. I told her that it was what I was expecting so I was okay with that. She then said something that I never thought I would hear - 'Do you want to know the sex of the baby?' I could feel my eyes fill with tears of joy and looked at the hubs and we both said no, not right now. Still have a long road to travel and will be best if we did not find out.....just yet :) How crazy! This little ball of cells - or ball of silly putty as they Hubs was calling it - is already 'known' as a little girl or little boy....again, another bet between us....I said boy, Hubs still isn't sure.

Transfer went smoothly and then it was pure resting the rest of the day and the next. This I found to be very difficult as I don't do well just sitting/laying all day. I did however become addicted to the show Duck Dynasty. Absolutely hilarious!

Now it's the waiting game. For some reason I'm not anxious as I was last cycle. I'm guessing because I'm not getting myself excited this time around. I'm being more realistic that we could have another chemical or just a BFN. I am however ignoring the pains that I've been having pretty much since the night of the transfer on my right side and trying to not let anything touch the boobs - they are sore! This, though, could be the cause of the crinone.....listen, gotta tell myself something to not get too excited right? :)

Their first plane ride

Today is the big day!!!!! A cell from each of our embabies are being shipped off to Detroit for testing.

 I am trying so very hard to keep my head positive, but with my luck/history I'm being more realistic and less hopeful this time around. I keep telling myself if I'm already prepared for bad news, it won't affect me as much......as I'm on the urge of bursting into tears in my office today. Let's blame lack of sleep and the meds! I just hope that there are some strong ones in that group that want to stick around with us for a long, long time!
  Will they call me to tell me how many made it to Day 3/to the airport? Every time my phone makes a noise my stomach drops....hate this - truly hate this (and to me, hate is a very strong word). I would rather go through the 2ww than the next 24 hours - just sayin'.
  Will I answer the phone when they call tomorrow or just wait to listen to the voicemail once I leave work?? Not sure I will be able to control the emotions if it is not good news - that and not sure I'll be able to control the hubs from asking me constantly throughout the day :)
  Oh well - nothing we can do but just hope.....hope that they are in good hands and hope they come back with great news!!!

Let's catch up

Took a little tv time out from blogging so let's catch up.....Thanksgiving morning - up bright and early to get ready for the day and to head into town for another round of bw and u/s. We were told to be there by 7:30 - wish we knew to get there earlier! The room was PACKED!!!!!! Go to check in and the lady said she wasn't sure what to do since I didn't have paperwork for the blood work. Was trying to keep my cool as I know how much it had to suck to be working on a holiday with a room full of hormonal women, I just went to sit next to the hubs (yes I dragged him to this appointment - I've done enough early mornings on my own, you can keep me company!) waiting, waiting, waiting. Felt the urge to go back to the woman at the desk to confirm they didn't fax any paperwork over - didn't want to ruin any chance with this cycle. Sure enough, she had it! Told her she was giving me a heart attack and she apologized. Phew!
Was called in for the u/s - this was different. It was a male doctor (which I was just thinking this morning that I had never had a male do the u/s). Had me do the normal routine - empty bladder, undress from waist down, gown on, blah blah blah. Covers my legs with blanket and told me he'll be right back, needed to get a female to monitor him - which I liked. Time for the photo shoot - had me insert Wanda the Wand (again, different but whatever....just adding to my list of medical things I can do for myself now! HA) Took SO MANY images - had me push down on the left side and said that was much better. Feeling uncomfortable as all hell I started to wonder how many were actually in there - originally I was told just 1 on the left.
Done with the u/s and off to bw - she must have been anxious to get out of there because she jabbed me so hard. Done with bw. Off to race back home to get ready to head to my sisters for Turkey Day.

Tried hard not to focus on checking my phone with my instructions. Nothing. Left her house and drove back home to call every number I had to try to get my results. After speaking to the on call doctor, he told me he would have my nurse call. She called me within 5 minutes and told me it's Trigger Day!!!!

She then explained how she called my house number with my instructions earlier - questioned why she called that number and not my cell that was left on the call back sheet. "Oh, we don't see those sheets." Um, then why the heck am I filling it out?????? Relived that it's time I draw a circle on my rear for the hubs. As he stood there with the needle in hand he asked me how to do it again, "just stab down right?" I turned around and walked out of the bathroom - wasn't so sure it was the best idea for him to give it to me after he'd had a few adult beverages.....tell him again to just pretend it's a dart and my arse is the dart board. In and out and we are done! Spent Friday working from home as I just wanted to stay as calm and relaxed as much as I could before our ER.

Saturday morning up and at it early again - first one in for the retrieval!!! Hubs was whisked away to leave his 'deposit' and they continue to ask a million questions - one was if I was in a safe relationship. Interesting but told her I absolutely was. Hubs is back just as they are about to take me in - kisses, love you and I'm off. Again, just remember laying on the table, telling them how cold it was in there, oxygen mask going on, lights out!! Not sure who I asked, but somewhat remember asking how many they got and then telling my husband. When I came to a little more I asked him if he told me or if I was dreaming, looked at me and laughed and let me know I informed him. Now we sit and wait for the embryologist - she comes strolling over to let us know they got 11 eggies! The rest of the day was spent on the couch while hubs got all the Christmas stuff out and lights hung on the house.

Sunday morning I spent a good 2 hours on the tree (still not done) and then went to go rest - might have over done it with all the bending over. Rested off and on while decorating the house trying to keep myself busy waiting for the fertilization report. Finally called early afternoon and told me we have 8 that are fertilized! Was pretty happy with the results as I'm not too optimistic with this cycle....you will see why is 5,4,3,2,1.....now we wait. We wait and pray that our little eggies keep growing strong and that we have a few pass the genetic testing tomorrow. Then we wait one more day to find out the results/transfer time for Thursday. This by far is way worse than the dreaded 2ww!!

Oops....my bad ;)

Last night I was gearing up for Gonal F and my date when I realized I would have to open up a new pen....now I've been down this road before and have been pretty good at figuring out how many 'clicks' will equal the right dosage between the remainder of one pen and the rest from the new one.....well.....last night I may have accidentally put a little more into my system - an extra 3 clicks! Oops....my bad. Maybe in the back of my head I just wanted to give that extra juice to get these follies rockin'!!!!!
Will find out this afternoon how my 'error' worked out for me - because I'm sure that extra pin drop of meds did the trick Kell! ;)

Well maybe I'm on to something......started out with 4 and just was told I'm up to 7 (damn u/s tech lied and told me 9 when I was in the room) but I'll take it. Back in tomorrow morning for a Thanksgiving date with Wanda the Wand and bw.....and.......get this...........MIGHT trigger tomorrow night.
I'm so excited right now - it has been a long few weeks. Okay breathe, this hurdle is almost cleared - next one....they get great eggs and they all fertilize, then we get a good number back from genetic testing that are 'normal' and finally, they make it do day 5.

Until then, I will do a happy dance for the good news today!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
xoxo

Trying to stay positive

Just had my second u/s and bw appt and didn't seem to progress too much since Saturday's appt. Right now there are 4 measuring between 15-11 on the right and none that are measurable on the left. I can't help but feel defeated as I have two more hurdles to get over - the genetic testing and they make it to day 5. I keep telling myself that things will happen, they might just keep you on the meds longer.

What keeps me moving is, well not having a choice, but my Mafia IVFers (as our little group has been labeled). Have had some great days lately - after some bad ones.......so I'm hoping their good numbers from their beta's will kick my arse back into gear again. Love these girls so much and don't think I will ever be able to show them how grateful I am to each and every one of them!

Random thought for the day - Menopur, which was created by Satan and is called my 1cc of hell. Why would they not supply more powers in the case? Why do they have the same amount of liquid to powder? From everything I've been reading/seeing it seems that we all take more than just 1 vial of powder...currently I'm up to 4 and have about 3 boxes full of just the liquid.

And so begins the phone starring contest........

Stims, stims and more stims

Let's catch up.....weekend, well night away at Foxwoods was a blast! I cannot remember the last time that it was just my family together and us laughing as hard as we did! Had our spa appointments in the afternoon which was very nice, but my massage was a little too rough for my liking. Headed down to the HighRollers Bowling (not sure why it's called High Rollers.....) and my sister cried for probably the 5th time that day once she saw my hubs and our brother in law with us. Okay she's done with surprises. Let's bowl!
If I could post the pictures of all of us bowling, you too would be on the floor laughing......let's just say, we were not the best bowlers and pretty sure a few of us walked away with some injuries! But in the end, it was nice to not have IVF control my mind and the hubs won a good amount of money so Thank You Mr. Foxwoods!!!
Before I realize it, the alarm is going off - not wanting to wake anyone, seeing we had pretty much just gone to bed 3 hours before, I sneak out of bed and head over to mini fridge for my meds.
Hello Mr. Menopur, we've never met. I've heard you can sting a little so please be nice to me....HOLY BA**S did it sting...........I actually get scared now when I have to inject myself with that 1cc of hell.

Today's random thought: is this new concoction making me lose my marbles?????

I swear this cycle with the added medication is making me lose my mind.....I feel so all over the place, which is very difficult for me since I'm a very organized person! Have to keep reminding myself it is worth it. The meds must be working and this is our month!!!! But boy oh boy, just hope it doesn't get worse - wouldn't want to forget to put pants on before I left the house :)

SHE ARRIVED...........

Now most of us would think - aw, she had a girl.....well most of the fertile women out there! For us infertile's, we know I'm referring to AF DB. Finally - this morning, she came in guns blazing. Thank you Jesus! Was nice to be able to take my time getting ready this morning since my appointment wasn't until 7:50 - why that time? why not give me that extra 10 minutes and say 8:00? Thankfully I didn't have to battle too much traffic and made it there a little early. BW right away...love the lady I had today - she's from Haiti and she's a hoot! Did I really just say hoot....HA.....well we were talking about the weather as she's trying to distract me from that "just a little pinch" and was asking if we had four seasons, to which I told her what they were, and she asked which one are we in now. Broke it to her that winter was fast approaching but technically we are still in Fall (hello mid 60's this weekend). She's done with me and back to the waiting room. This leads me to my random thought for the day (haven't written one in some time):

Why is it that while you are sitting in the waiting room, whether it's for bw or u/s, NO ONE makes eye contact? I tested this theory out today and literally looked at every lady that came in to sit with me in the room....not some creepy type of staring, but just tried to make eye contact so I could smile and say good morning. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch. Everyone just went right to an open chair (they all spread out so no one was sitting next to anyone) and went right to their phones/ipads. Why is it that it seems everyone feels ashamed of being there (I too have felt that way)? It's not like the office helps out the 'normal' women - we are all there for the same reason....we need help getting preggers.

Now it's time to be violated with Wanda the Wand....chatting with the u/s tech she asked if this was my first IVF. Told her it was my second but the first I was just doing as I was told, step by step direction. This time I feel more comfortable and know what is going on so I'll be more apt to ask questions instead of wait for the call. She told me there were no measurable follicles right now but said that's normal for Day 7. Um, it's Day 1! She just looked at me and I laughed and told her my friend had a late arrival.

And so the staring at the phone begins......wait as long as I can before I have to go to the rest room, have thought of bringing it with me but then don't really care to have anyone else hear about the dosage of my Gonal F or Menopur....that and the fear of dropping my phone is the toilet. GROSS! All this, just so I do not miss their phone call.

Need to giggle at myself - it's not like it's a Beta call, so settle down you crazed phone staring, think you have super powers to make it ring, woman!

Winter blues

Well it's official - winter has said hello! Woke up to less than an inch of the white stuff which really is enough for me for the rest of this season....yes my friends, I am a winter hater! Which makes me wonder why I stuck with my college up in Vermont - well besides pretty much my whole family going there and meeting the most amazing friends....it was flippin' cold during the winters. So cold - one year my car was frozen! Would not start. Hiked up to class and by the time I got inside, I had ice on my eyelashes.....THAT my friends, is a cold day. Will just keep looking at my screen with a picture from Aruba or maybe this one was Barbados...hmm, either way - it's a white, sandy beach with crystal blue waters.....ahhh, heaven! If it wasn't for IVF completely running my life right now, I would be planning our next trip to the islands. The hubs turns 40 in June, and want to plan a trip (pending what happens of course) but here's the thing: not wanting to go to a tropical island in the middle of summer. Wonder if he'll be too upset if we post pone the trip....hmmmm. Dinner conversation!

This week I have cancelled two baseline appointments because the DB (dumb bitch as I am calling her now) has YET to arrive....honestly! When I need her to come she takes her sweet ass time! The nurse said that no matter what, they want to see me tomorrow. They will be able to tell if AF DB is going to arrive and, "with all of my anomalies" they want to make sure there is nothing else they need to work around. I mean come ON. I might just throw my hands up in the air and get on a plane if they find one more thing wrong with me.

Thankfully our night away is just a few days away.....hello massage. Maybe we'll win big and that will make up for 'all my anomalies'

Perfect Strangers

No, I don't mean the show....although I'll admit, I watched it. I'm referring to all of the amazing women I have 'met' through this journey. You all are perfect strangers to me and yet I am so comfortable sharing everything about this experience with you. Normally I'm a quiet/shy person - people have said I come off bitchy because of this trait - until they get to know me....big kid at heart! Not a fan of just letting anyone in - gotta get to know you first and once you are in...you're in like Flynn! Will do anything and everything for my friends. But this whole forum family/blogging is just amazing to me - how open I can be with all of you. So let me do this - THANK YOU! Thank you to all the strong, amazing women who I've 'met' once I landed in Infertility Land.

Am a little bummed because I thought tonight would be day 1 of stims but freakin' AF has yet to show - so now they are moving me to Thursday for my baseline appointment. REALLY hoping this does not interfere with Thanksgiving because it's going to be pretty hard to tell the families we just don't want to go - especially since the in-laws live about 5 minutes away....that's a WHOLE other story in itself ;)
Just keeping my fingers crossed!

VERY much looking forward to this weekend - this past one, eh, wasn't all that great. My oldest sister turned 40 so her friends threw a surprise 40th at her house (you will see why we didn't once I get to what is going on this weekend). Drove down to CT and loved having conversations with everyone about, "wow you guys are so lucky. if you wanted to just pick up and get on a plane to travel you could. you have nothing to worry about." My response, in my head of course...would have been rude if said out loud....was, "so, that knife you stabbing in my heart, could you move it to the left a little. AH there ya go, got the whole thing now." Instead I just politely smiled, nodded my head and shrugged my shoulders.
Now to this weekend - and to those of you that think we are awful sisters! We are taking her to Foxwoods for the day/night. Originally it was just mom and her daughters, but now it's the whole fam damily. The girls are going down early and heading to their spa - SO EXCITED and then having dinner later on that night. Just excited to get away - although I am sharing a room with the middle sister (whom I am the closet with ) and she will see the shots. Guess I won't be keeping it a secret from her much longer.....cannot wait for the alarm to go off at 5:30 that next morning for Mr. Lupron.....oh, they are gonna HATE me! HAHA

How selfish of me

I am trying very hard to not feel bad for myself, to not be upset with the situation God has handed us and I admit, I have days. We all do and will. In the recent effects of Sandy, I tell myself to stop being selfish and feeling bad for myself, to look at everyone else. My heart goes out to all the people who have been effected by this horrible storm.
My middle sister was telling me of a friend of hers family member (that sounds confusing) who lives in New Jersey that lost everything - their house is gone! The only thing that survived was their shed that houses a few tools and Christmas decorations. I felt horrible! Immediately I asked my sister to please find out what size this woman is and I will go through my closet/dresser and get some clothes together for her to give to her friend to pass along - also finding out the size of her husband and having my hubs do the same today.
I think about people that are sick - that go through and suffer much more than I could ever imagine. How selfish of me.
God dealt us this hand and we must learn to live with it and move forward - which is what we will do. There is no other option.
My 'to do' list - check!

Mr. Lupron, my friend, you are NO BUENO!

Holy hell am I reacting differently to Lupron this time around! Last night was the icing on the cake - was on my treadmill and started to feel dizzy (take a sip of water - useless), get moving a little faster and my whole entire abdomen starts to feel bloated and uncomfortable - cure for this....hike the shorts up so the band is around your stomach! Urkel eat your heart out.
So far today: tears this morning getting ready remembering the words my sister used in her email, dizziness, headache, tired, bloated...again, Mr. Lupron you are NO BUENO!!!!! Good news though, hubs has already been warned about me being an emotional basket case - tread lightly my love, tread lightly!
Taking a deep breath, I remember my 'to-do' list that I promised myself I would follow daily. Done.

Hello Mr. November - only 5 more days until our baseline appointment!!! Doing the Carlton dance in my head..am I aging myself?? Hit a rough patch with this cycle, but I am back on track. I can do this. This is our time.

With my guesstimated dates of when everything will be I can't help but think about the last time. I was nervous as hell!!! Hospitals and I do not get along anymore (refer to very first post and you will understand). Trying to keep myself calm and collected as they bring up the past - they gear me up to bring me in for the retrieval. Walking over to the room, making sure I don't flash any of the other women and husbands on my way over, they push the doors open and it's like a freakin' party in the room. Everyone yelled - welcome and good morning. Literally yelled like it was a surprise party! I wasn't quite sure how to handle this so I gave them the nervous, what the hell are you really going to do to me when you knock me out, smile. I'll be ready for them this time - maybe I'll bring noise makers with me and blow them off when I walk in....hmmmm.

A New Day

Happy Trick or Treating Day!!!! Cannot wait for the kids in the neighborhood to get this candy out of my house!
So today is a new day. I will try not to dwell on anything bad/negative and keep taking steps forward. I will focus on me, my husband, our marriage and enjoy each and every moment we have together. I will continue with our struggle to start a family with my head held high and continue to know in my heart and soul it will happen.

Reason for this: yesterday I received an email from my oldest sister (in response to telling them about the doctor's appointment) and her choice of words hit me hard - 'my disorder' will the baby have this 'disability'. I was so angry because it's not a disability or a disorder. I responded telling her this and that there is a very good chance she has it too with the history of miscarriages in our family. Even my husband was taken back by her choice of words (and he normally doesn't get too bothered by much of anything). When I was venting to my middle sister (we are as close as you can imagine - literally speak 3/4 times a day) I told her I didn't even want to go to her surprise 40th this weekend and asked if I could lie and say I had a medical procedure - which she told me I couldn't because I wasn't leaving her to go by herself. Then I told her I could just say my 'disability' was acting up - we both just burst into laughter.
So now, I will look at this image and practice it each and every day!

Emotional and Informational Overload

Well Sandy you wouldn't have been too bad if you didn't knock out my power last night....now panic has set in about when it will be back on - meds need to stay nice and chilled woman!!!

Okay Friday, well didn't turn out to be all that great. We, well I was told that my doctor wanted to see me on Monday to discuss the results of the genetic testing. Already knowing that the hubs tests came back normal, I knew something was wrong with me. I completely broke down. Left work (granted it was only 10 minutes before I normally leave) but just left in an abrupt fashion that my boss/one of the girls in the office immediately sent me a text making sure I was okay....I wasn't. I barely made it out of the building before I could feel the tears come down my cheek - made it to the Jeep and started to sob. Got home and just cried. Why does this keep happening to me? What is wrong with me? All of these negative thoughts just kept flooding my head. Talk about taking huge steps backwards - was in such a great mind set for this next cycle and then God takes a baseball bat to my gut and grand slams me over center field!
Get through the weekend trying to keep myself positive - it can't be all that bad, she is still moving forward with this cycle. So up I wake at 5:30 a.m. and continue to stab myself with the needle.

Monday morning I waited until at least 7 to call the office to see if I can have my appointment over the phone (was late afternoon and knew that was when it was going to be pretty nasty out) luckily for me, they had cancellations and could get me in late morning. The hubs, who had to go in to work, met me at the hospital and told me how nice I looked. Said I should at least look good for bad news, right? Sitting in that dreadful waiting room she finally comes to call us in. Immediately she knows I'm beyond worried and said we did find something, but it's not all that terrible and it's something we can work with. As I'm fighting back the tears I just want to hear what is wrong with me. I have what is called Balanced Robertsonian Translocation. What in the hell is that you ask???? Well let me put it to you in 'normal' language -  Basically one of my 13th chromosome and one of my 14th chromosome decided it would be so cool to join together! Like Siamese twins!! WICKED COOL..........as she's explaining all of this and how she sees this once a month with her patients my head is in a whirl wind of questions/concerns. Trying to hold myself together, I can feel the tears welt up in my eyes. It wasn't until she said this that I completely broke down and covered my face sobbing: "I don't think it would be a good idea for the two of you to try on your own anymore." She might as well said, hand over your ovaries and uterus now! Of course I know she is looking out for our best interest and does not want to see me miscarry anymore than I already have. Went through the bazillion questions and then the nurse brought us over the the Genetic Specialist to make our next appointment - again thank you hurricane Sandy - we got right in. After speaking with her, who by the way looked like she was 25, we felt much more at ease. We are able to continue with this cycle and get the PGD (test that determines which eggs are in tip-top shape and which ones have the bad chromosomes). The downsides to this: might not have any good eggs to transfer, might not make it to Day 5.

After digesting all of this, the hubs and I decided to look at this as a positive! We know what is wrong - we have an answer. I was tested negative for Cystic Fibrosis. We got right in to both doctors. We are not cancelling this cycle. We are able to get the PGD testing. My surgery is not the cause of this.
I have the most amazing husband/marriage, family, friends. I need to get back on this horse of mine - let's call him Blaze....sounds tuff!! HA
Today - took one step forward!

Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live today like it is your last...

It's Friday Bit**es!!!!

Thank you for it FINALLY being Friday!!!! Wa Hoo!!!!! Today is/was the big day - went in for blood work first thing this morning and shockingly was not the first person - got there at 6:50 a.m. Sign in and take a seat while 'Joan' got called in first. She's in and out like a flash and now it's my turn. Go into the blood sucking room and watch her search the list of all the women coming in today for blood work - my thoughts start to wander....are they coming for their first time, are they coming to get results from their first round of IUI/IVF, are they coming to see if their numbers have doubled....to all of these questions, the answer I know is Yes! Of course I wish them all the very best of luck for whichever appointment it will be for them.
Now I'm still sitting there waiting for her to suck my blood out while she's going through the sticker list....and I quote: "What are you here for today?" Um, I'm sorry , WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You're kidding right????? Take a deep breath and explain what I'm there for and asked if I wasn't on 'the list'. Thankfully the woman at the front was still adding everyone's names in so I hadn't made the 'sticker list' just yet, but was on the master one! *Phew* The nurse was very pleased with my vein, which I had to thank Mr. Vita Coco Coconut and Pineapple coconut water I was guzzling down on my drive in (note to self, make sure I do this each time!) Blood taken, band-aide on, sent on my way.
Driving into work I begin to plan my very, VERY quiet day. Traffic was a breeze so I wasn't too late for work. Updated the girls on the forum and now I wait.....staring at my phone....wishing it to ring. Nada, nothing, zip! Come on super powers that I think I have, make them call!!! Wanting to shake my phone to see if that will make them call any faster I figure I might as well start today's blog! By the way, still no call! HA

What random thought can I discuss today.....ah, here's one. Not sharing what you are going to name your child (I do apologize for anyone reading this that is choosing to do so....). Why? What is the big secret - if you are hiding the sex of the baby give them a girl's name and boy's name. I ESPECIALLY love when I am told, um yeah, we are not sharing with anyone....like I'm going to steal your babies name...hello, McFly, if you haven't noticed, not preggo's so don't need a name (yet) I do however already have a few picked out that I of course do not mind sharing. Boy: Devon Joseph (hubs middle name is Joseph), Caleb William (William is FIL) Girl: Amelia Verris (Amelia is hubs grandmother's name and Verris is a combo of both of my grandmother's name - Veronica and Phyllis). Proud of the names we have picked and if anyone wants to take them, make sure you explain how you came up with Verris ;)

AND.....they finally called!!! Was literally carrying my phone around me every time I left my office! Okay GOOD news...Mr. Lupron and I meet again tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. - other good news...hubs genetic testing came back normal. Now for me, ugh......my protein c was 'slightly elevated' but is going to discuss with doctor to see if I need to have it re-done (fingers crossed I won't) BUT they still don't have my carrier type testing back. When I asked why she just said they have been taking their time lately and has already put a call in. Okay, hmmm....but you got his back and not mine? Huh....breath.....bottom line, we are officially starting round #2!!!!
Dancing in my chair!!!!!

Sing like no one is listening....Dance like no one is watching...Live like today is your last...

***Warning***

This is what I feel I should be wearing across my forhead during this whole process....a big fat warning label. Warning: I'm going through IVF - Warning: I could burst into tears at any minute - Warning: if you tell me you're pregnant and I don't look happy, deep down inside (gotta look deep...keep going) I really am. For the people that do know you are struggling to have a family, why must they feel they need to comment. We've all experienced it and I won't go into the different idiotic statements - as I'm pretty sure you've heard at least one today! :)
I will mention one, that literally had me in stitches....I read this one on a forum (fertilitycommunity.com which is AMAZING) this one girl posted how she was told to keep socks on. Oh that's right, you read it correctly - keep your socks on. It helps with blood flow to the uterus to help things stick....again, laughing hysterically at my desk. So me, being the wise ass that I am, responded and said she should have asked if they had to be wool or would cotton do....honest to the Lord above people! Socks? REALLY????? Anywho.....back to my warning label....as I was waiting in the dentist's office - I see this father and his little girl (probably 9-10 months) on his shoulders and he's walking through the parking lot looking ever so happy - THIS is wear a warning label would work - warning: going to cry hysterically in your waiting room as I wish to see this with my husband and child. Luckily for all those who were in the room with me, they called my name!

We are getting closer and closer to the big day - Friday's blood work determines if Lupron shots start on Saturday. I get all giddy and excited at thinking we are so close to starting and then Ruby Realist shows up: you are really excited to wake up at 5:30 am every day to jab yourself with a needle (wake up at 5 for work during the week - best time for me to give shots) - you are really excited to pump your system full of meds - you are really excited to have to get your blood taken nearly every other day - you are really excited to have the internal ultra sounds - you are really excited to have your ovaries so swollen that it hurts to lay on your stomach/to even work out......to you, Ms. Ruby Realist, I say YES! YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live today like it is your last...

Cravings...what to eat....etc...

Today's cafeteria sandwich special: The Elvis....peanut butter, bacon...oh I'm sorry, crisp bacon, and bananas grilled on Texas Toast. What in the?????

 Why would you even want to make something like that unless you have cravings...which thankfully no one at work is preggers - to my knowledge. Don't get the whole cravings thing either - what causes you to want pickles and ice cream? What part of any of that sounds appetizing?? Is that really a craving or something you just see in the movies?? Huh.
Was doing some reading this morning - which thankfully my screen faces me and not out so everyone can see - and read eating pineapple core the day of your transfer and after - for a total of 5 days (cut the core into 5 bite sized pieces) will help the embies stick.....again, what in the????? Don't get me wrong, told myself, hey I can give that a whirl. Hell I'll walk out on my hands after the transfer and stay that way until we get a BFP!  Whatever I can do to help these little buggers stick, I'll do it! HA
As predicted the hubs was not a fan of adding another vitamin to his routine - unfortunately I was unable to bust out the routine I had choreographed in my head...instead I won this battle over email! I feel that it was totally acceptable, as he can sense when I have a 'tone' :)
That's all for now.....need to get ready for the dentist - SUPER excited to hear this: Any changes in medication since we last saw you???? Um what you are really asking me is....still on IVF medication huh? boy that sucks!
Till next time ;)

Sing like no one is listening...Dance like no one is watching...Live like today is your last...

Another day, another dollar....

That will go towards IVF. Granted I am a very fortunate woman who's insurance covers pretty much everything but the co-pays, and am still amazed by how you all do this out of pocket. Hats off to you all! One more day closer to finding out if we are good to go with this next cycle...pretty sure we are since I could even tell I was ovulating the other day! So weird to me how in-tune I am with my body after going through all of this - years ago I couldn't even tell you when AF was coming, when I would be ovulating, how many days my cycle was, etc. Now I can tell you what cycle day I am - cycle day 16 by the way!
My mind is having it's own Indy 500 today...I keep thinking, maybe I can find a pair of ruby red slippers, click my heels three times - I'd be past all the shots, beta tests, DREADED 2ww and hearing, "congrats and welcome to your second trimester"...listen a girl can dream right?
Am I ready for this next cycle? Mentally? Physically? I thought I was and them BAM Mr. 'What If' shows up....completely uninvited and most certainly unwelcome....so now I will dance around all the 'what if' questions, comments that will flood my head and try to talk about them with the hubs tonight.
What makes this cycle harder is that we agreed not to tell anyone what we are doing/when anything is....expect my new found family - the infertile's :) You all will have to listen to my rants/roller coaster of emotions because I know each and every one of you get it, you've been there, you've walked down this really bumpy road!
Tonight's new plan - buy vitamins that will help the little guys swim better. Figure why not, if I'm getting all jacked up on meds, he can join me - already hearing the discussions about now he already takes his multi and now he'll have to taken another one....my end to that 'discussion' will be opening the fridge and start to sing the LMFAO song Shots and then continue to sing and probably dance down the hallway into the bathroom and show him the other copious amounts of medication that I have to take.....Kelly 1 - Hubs 0!

Sing like no one is listening.....Dance like no one is watching.....Live today like it is your last.....

Another weekend coming to an end before I can even begin to do what I wanted to do.....until we meet again! Had a wonderful date night with my husband last night and enjoyed my last glass of wine for a little while (and hopefully an extended time with a successful IVF cycle). Going on facebook to see what the latest buzz was, I came across a picture of a sonogram with the caption - we are growing our family. It was a kid I went to college with and as happy as I am for him and his new wife, my heart sank. My mood suddenly went from happy, having a wonderful night with my husband, to sad and confused. I am trying so hard not to go to Depressed Town, but it just makes my head spin. What is wrong with me? Why am I unable to get pregnant without the help of medication...and even that is proving to not be on my side.....it's just so hard to stay positive when I see things like this. But I will continue to take deep breaths and march forward. Hoping we receive good news Friday when I go in for blood work that we are able to begin shots Saturday - and of course when I say we, I mean me - hubs isn't so good with needles :)
Off to finish my chores and get ready for some football.....

Sing like no one is listening, Dance like no one is watching, Live like today is your last.....

Let's start from the beginning.....

Well I have finally broke down and decided to blog about the journey of trying to get preggers....first time blogging so give me some time :)
A little history/background: I'm 35 and my husband is 39 (not spring chickens anymore). We have been married 3 years this past month. Once we got married we started to try to have children right away, like most couples do. Married in October, pregnant in January (well found out we were) - to me, I was not surprised as my other sisters/mother didn't seem to have too many problems getting pregnant. At that point I couldn't wait to become a mother and start our family together. It wasn't until we were at our 8 week appointment that we found out we lost the baby. I never in a million years thought my heart could break as much as it did in such a short time from these few words: "I'm sorry, there is not heartbeat". I had become so angry, hurt, confused, sad, devastated - you name an emotion, I felt it. I wondered how woman who smoked while they were pregnant were able to have a healthy baby (there was a woman at my previous job who did this and made me physically sick...but to each their own).
This puts us in March (happy birthday to me) - we chose to have a D&C because I couldn't bare to have mother nature take her time to have me pass this unborn fetus.
The day of the D&C I was so scared and decided to not have my husband in the room with me as I didn't want him to have to go through any more pain than we had gone through already. Well not sure what or why, but when the nurse came in and asked if he was coming in the room I blurted out yes. Shocked I looked at him and asked if he was okay with that - knowing it wasn't even a question. I was so glad he was in there with me because the procedure that was supposed to take 10-15 minutes, took a lot longer......this is where my story takes a turn and I like to think educational to women.
The doctor stated that due to my tilted uterus he had a difficult time which is why he had to go in a few times and why it took so long. Okay, he's a doctor, he's know what he is talking about. We get home and I remember sleeping the day away. The next day my husband took me out for a walk so I could get out of the house for a bit. During the next few days I was uncomfortable, pains in the abdomen - at follow up appointments the see that something is still in my uterus but know it's not live tissue as no blood is going to it. I was then given medication that basically contracted my uterus to help push whatever it was out - God Bless you women who give birth naturally....I quickly learned how to do yoga breaths that night! :) Stayed home the following day as I didn't know when this 'object' would pass.....early afternoon I remember seeing more blood in the toilet (sorry tmi) so I felt a sigh of relief thinking that it was finally working and passing. Well I couldn't have been more wrong!!! I was bleeding from an area you are not supposed to bleed from.
Panic sets in and I call my husband and then call the on call nurse - looking back now I know she was just doing her job, but she asked me if I was sure the blood was coming from there....wanted to reach through the phone and grab her by the throat. When my husband got home, we went to the local emergency room and this is when I started to get a fever and started to feel worse. Test after test they finally sent me to Boston to be with them and their better equipment. More tests and tests they finally told me in the elevator on the way back down to the room in the ER we were in that I had to be rushed into emergency surgery - I was dying because I had been septic for a week. At this point I pretty much went into shock and when they brought me into the room I knew my husband already knew by the look on his face. To this day, that is still the hardest thing for me - seeing my husband break down and cry. They gave us a minute to ourselves and came back in to explain the surgery.....basically I had Charlie Brown's teacher come back in because I do not remember a word that came out of their mouths.
As they wheeled me away I looked at him and said he had to call our families - no one knew where we were or what was going on....and boy did we pay for that afterwards :) They had to perform an ileostomy surgery that I had for 12 weeks (which I named Stewie the Stoma once I became 'okay' with the situation) and had the reversal. Three scars on my stomach remind me everyday of a quote that was sent to me during all of this: Tough Times Never Last, Tough People Do!
Almost 3 years later - labeled Unexplained Infertility - 3 failed IUI's - 1 failed IVF we are about to begin the road down IVF #2.
WOW - that was a lot for the first blog huh???? HAHAHAHA
Till next time.....

Sing like no one is listening - Dance like no one is watching - Live like it is your last day!!