Their first plane ride

Today is the big day!!!!! A cell from each of our embabies are being shipped off to Detroit for testing.

 I am trying so very hard to keep my head positive, but with my luck/history I'm being more realistic and less hopeful this time around. I keep telling myself if I'm already prepared for bad news, it won't affect me as much......as I'm on the urge of bursting into tears in my office today. Let's blame lack of sleep and the meds! I just hope that there are some strong ones in that group that want to stick around with us for a long, long time!
  Will they call me to tell me how many made it to Day 3/to the airport? Every time my phone makes a noise my stomach drops....hate this - truly hate this (and to me, hate is a very strong word). I would rather go through the 2ww than the next 24 hours - just sayin'.
  Will I answer the phone when they call tomorrow or just wait to listen to the voicemail once I leave work?? Not sure I will be able to control the emotions if it is not good news - that and not sure I'll be able to control the hubs from asking me constantly throughout the day :)
  Oh well - nothing we can do but just hope.....hope that they are in good hands and hope they come back with great news!!!

Let's catch up

Took a little tv time out from blogging so let's catch up.....Thanksgiving morning - up bright and early to get ready for the day and to head into town for another round of bw and u/s. We were told to be there by 7:30 - wish we knew to get there earlier! The room was PACKED!!!!!! Go to check in and the lady said she wasn't sure what to do since I didn't have paperwork for the blood work. Was trying to keep my cool as I know how much it had to suck to be working on a holiday with a room full of hormonal women, I just went to sit next to the hubs (yes I dragged him to this appointment - I've done enough early mornings on my own, you can keep me company!) waiting, waiting, waiting. Felt the urge to go back to the woman at the desk to confirm they didn't fax any paperwork over - didn't want to ruin any chance with this cycle. Sure enough, she had it! Told her she was giving me a heart attack and she apologized. Phew!
Was called in for the u/s - this was different. It was a male doctor (which I was just thinking this morning that I had never had a male do the u/s). Had me do the normal routine - empty bladder, undress from waist down, gown on, blah blah blah. Covers my legs with blanket and told me he'll be right back, needed to get a female to monitor him - which I liked. Time for the photo shoot - had me insert Wanda the Wand (again, different but whatever....just adding to my list of medical things I can do for myself now! HA) Took SO MANY images - had me push down on the left side and said that was much better. Feeling uncomfortable as all hell I started to wonder how many were actually in there - originally I was told just 1 on the left.
Done with the u/s and off to bw - she must have been anxious to get out of there because she jabbed me so hard. Done with bw. Off to race back home to get ready to head to my sisters for Turkey Day.

Tried hard not to focus on checking my phone with my instructions. Nothing. Left her house and drove back home to call every number I had to try to get my results. After speaking to the on call doctor, he told me he would have my nurse call. She called me within 5 minutes and told me it's Trigger Day!!!!

She then explained how she called my house number with my instructions earlier - questioned why she called that number and not my cell that was left on the call back sheet. "Oh, we don't see those sheets." Um, then why the heck am I filling it out?????? Relived that it's time I draw a circle on my rear for the hubs. As he stood there with the needle in hand he asked me how to do it again, "just stab down right?" I turned around and walked out of the bathroom - wasn't so sure it was the best idea for him to give it to me after he'd had a few adult beverages.....tell him again to just pretend it's a dart and my arse is the dart board. In and out and we are done! Spent Friday working from home as I just wanted to stay as calm and relaxed as much as I could before our ER.

Saturday morning up and at it early again - first one in for the retrieval!!! Hubs was whisked away to leave his 'deposit' and they continue to ask a million questions - one was if I was in a safe relationship. Interesting but told her I absolutely was. Hubs is back just as they are about to take me in - kisses, love you and I'm off. Again, just remember laying on the table, telling them how cold it was in there, oxygen mask going on, lights out!! Not sure who I asked, but somewhat remember asking how many they got and then telling my husband. When I came to a little more I asked him if he told me or if I was dreaming, looked at me and laughed and let me know I informed him. Now we sit and wait for the embryologist - she comes strolling over to let us know they got 11 eggies! The rest of the day was spent on the couch while hubs got all the Christmas stuff out and lights hung on the house.

Sunday morning I spent a good 2 hours on the tree (still not done) and then went to go rest - might have over done it with all the bending over. Rested off and on while decorating the house trying to keep myself busy waiting for the fertilization report. Finally called early afternoon and told me we have 8 that are fertilized! Was pretty happy with the results as I'm not too optimistic with this cycle....you will see why is 5,4,3,2,1.....now we wait. We wait and pray that our little eggies keep growing strong and that we have a few pass the genetic testing tomorrow. Then we wait one more day to find out the results/transfer time for Thursday. This by far is way worse than the dreaded 2ww!!

Oops....my bad ;)

Last night I was gearing up for Gonal F and my date when I realized I would have to open up a new pen....now I've been down this road before and have been pretty good at figuring out how many 'clicks' will equal the right dosage between the remainder of one pen and the rest from the new one.....well.....last night I may have accidentally put a little more into my system - an extra 3 clicks! Oops....my bad. Maybe in the back of my head I just wanted to give that extra juice to get these follies rockin'!!!!!
Will find out this afternoon how my 'error' worked out for me - because I'm sure that extra pin drop of meds did the trick Kell! ;)

Well maybe I'm on to something......started out with 4 and just was told I'm up to 7 (damn u/s tech lied and told me 9 when I was in the room) but I'll take it. Back in tomorrow morning for a Thanksgiving date with Wanda the Wand and bw.....and.......get this...........MIGHT trigger tomorrow night.
I'm so excited right now - it has been a long few weeks. Okay breathe, this hurdle is almost cleared - next one....they get great eggs and they all fertilize, then we get a good number back from genetic testing that are 'normal' and finally, they make it do day 5.

Until then, I will do a happy dance for the good news today!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
xoxo

Trying to stay positive

Just had my second u/s and bw appt and didn't seem to progress too much since Saturday's appt. Right now there are 4 measuring between 15-11 on the right and none that are measurable on the left. I can't help but feel defeated as I have two more hurdles to get over - the genetic testing and they make it to day 5. I keep telling myself that things will happen, they might just keep you on the meds longer.

What keeps me moving is, well not having a choice, but my Mafia IVFers (as our little group has been labeled). Have had some great days lately - after some bad ones.......so I'm hoping their good numbers from their beta's will kick my arse back into gear again. Love these girls so much and don't think I will ever be able to show them how grateful I am to each and every one of them!

Random thought for the day - Menopur, which was created by Satan and is called my 1cc of hell. Why would they not supply more powers in the case? Why do they have the same amount of liquid to powder? From everything I've been reading/seeing it seems that we all take more than just 1 vial of powder...currently I'm up to 4 and have about 3 boxes full of just the liquid.

And so begins the phone starring contest........

Stims, stims and more stims

Let's catch up.....weekend, well night away at Foxwoods was a blast! I cannot remember the last time that it was just my family together and us laughing as hard as we did! Had our spa appointments in the afternoon which was very nice, but my massage was a little too rough for my liking. Headed down to the HighRollers Bowling (not sure why it's called High Rollers.....) and my sister cried for probably the 5th time that day once she saw my hubs and our brother in law with us. Okay she's done with surprises. Let's bowl!
If I could post the pictures of all of us bowling, you too would be on the floor laughing......let's just say, we were not the best bowlers and pretty sure a few of us walked away with some injuries! But in the end, it was nice to not have IVF control my mind and the hubs won a good amount of money so Thank You Mr. Foxwoods!!!
Before I realize it, the alarm is going off - not wanting to wake anyone, seeing we had pretty much just gone to bed 3 hours before, I sneak out of bed and head over to mini fridge for my meds.
Hello Mr. Menopur, we've never met. I've heard you can sting a little so please be nice to me....HOLY BA**S did it sting...........I actually get scared now when I have to inject myself with that 1cc of hell.

Today's random thought: is this new concoction making me lose my marbles?????

I swear this cycle with the added medication is making me lose my mind.....I feel so all over the place, which is very difficult for me since I'm a very organized person! Have to keep reminding myself it is worth it. The meds must be working and this is our month!!!! But boy oh boy, just hope it doesn't get worse - wouldn't want to forget to put pants on before I left the house :)

SHE ARRIVED...........

Now most of us would think - aw, she had a girl.....well most of the fertile women out there! For us infertile's, we know I'm referring to AF DB. Finally - this morning, she came in guns blazing. Thank you Jesus! Was nice to be able to take my time getting ready this morning since my appointment wasn't until 7:50 - why that time? why not give me that extra 10 minutes and say 8:00? Thankfully I didn't have to battle too much traffic and made it there a little early. BW right away...love the lady I had today - she's from Haiti and she's a hoot! Did I really just say hoot....HA.....well we were talking about the weather as she's trying to distract me from that "just a little pinch" and was asking if we had four seasons, to which I told her what they were, and she asked which one are we in now. Broke it to her that winter was fast approaching but technically we are still in Fall (hello mid 60's this weekend). She's done with me and back to the waiting room. This leads me to my random thought for the day (haven't written one in some time):

Why is it that while you are sitting in the waiting room, whether it's for bw or u/s, NO ONE makes eye contact? I tested this theory out today and literally looked at every lady that came in to sit with me in the room....not some creepy type of staring, but just tried to make eye contact so I could smile and say good morning. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch. Everyone just went right to an open chair (they all spread out so no one was sitting next to anyone) and went right to their phones/ipads. Why is it that it seems everyone feels ashamed of being there (I too have felt that way)? It's not like the office helps out the 'normal' women - we are all there for the same reason....we need help getting preggers.

Now it's time to be violated with Wanda the Wand....chatting with the u/s tech she asked if this was my first IVF. Told her it was my second but the first I was just doing as I was told, step by step direction. This time I feel more comfortable and know what is going on so I'll be more apt to ask questions instead of wait for the call. She told me there were no measurable follicles right now but said that's normal for Day 7. Um, it's Day 1! She just looked at me and I laughed and told her my friend had a late arrival.

And so the staring at the phone begins......wait as long as I can before I have to go to the rest room, have thought of bringing it with me but then don't really care to have anyone else hear about the dosage of my Gonal F or Menopur....that and the fear of dropping my phone is the toilet. GROSS! All this, just so I do not miss their phone call.

Need to giggle at myself - it's not like it's a Beta call, so settle down you crazed phone staring, think you have super powers to make it ring, woman!

Winter blues

Well it's official - winter has said hello! Woke up to less than an inch of the white stuff which really is enough for me for the rest of this season....yes my friends, I am a winter hater! Which makes me wonder why I stuck with my college up in Vermont - well besides pretty much my whole family going there and meeting the most amazing friends....it was flippin' cold during the winters. So cold - one year my car was frozen! Would not start. Hiked up to class and by the time I got inside, I had ice on my eyelashes.....THAT my friends, is a cold day. Will just keep looking at my screen with a picture from Aruba or maybe this one was Barbados...hmm, either way - it's a white, sandy beach with crystal blue waters.....ahhh, heaven! If it wasn't for IVF completely running my life right now, I would be planning our next trip to the islands. The hubs turns 40 in June, and want to plan a trip (pending what happens of course) but here's the thing: not wanting to go to a tropical island in the middle of summer. Wonder if he'll be too upset if we post pone the trip....hmmmm. Dinner conversation!

This week I have cancelled two baseline appointments because the DB (dumb bitch as I am calling her now) has YET to arrive....honestly! When I need her to come she takes her sweet ass time! The nurse said that no matter what, they want to see me tomorrow. They will be able to tell if AF DB is going to arrive and, "with all of my anomalies" they want to make sure there is nothing else they need to work around. I mean come ON. I might just throw my hands up in the air and get on a plane if they find one more thing wrong with me.

Thankfully our night away is just a few days away.....hello massage. Maybe we'll win big and that will make up for 'all my anomalies'

Perfect Strangers

No, I don't mean the show....although I'll admit, I watched it. I'm referring to all of the amazing women I have 'met' through this journey. You all are perfect strangers to me and yet I am so comfortable sharing everything about this experience with you. Normally I'm a quiet/shy person - people have said I come off bitchy because of this trait - until they get to know me....big kid at heart! Not a fan of just letting anyone in - gotta get to know you first and once you are in...you're in like Flynn! Will do anything and everything for my friends. But this whole forum family/blogging is just amazing to me - how open I can be with all of you. So let me do this - THANK YOU! Thank you to all the strong, amazing women who I've 'met' once I landed in Infertility Land.

Am a little bummed because I thought tonight would be day 1 of stims but freakin' AF has yet to show - so now they are moving me to Thursday for my baseline appointment. REALLY hoping this does not interfere with Thanksgiving because it's going to be pretty hard to tell the families we just don't want to go - especially since the in-laws live about 5 minutes away....that's a WHOLE other story in itself ;)
Just keeping my fingers crossed!

VERY much looking forward to this weekend - this past one, eh, wasn't all that great. My oldest sister turned 40 so her friends threw a surprise 40th at her house (you will see why we didn't once I get to what is going on this weekend). Drove down to CT and loved having conversations with everyone about, "wow you guys are so lucky. if you wanted to just pick up and get on a plane to travel you could. you have nothing to worry about." My response, in my head of course...would have been rude if said out loud....was, "so, that knife you stabbing in my heart, could you move it to the left a little. AH there ya go, got the whole thing now." Instead I just politely smiled, nodded my head and shrugged my shoulders.
Now to this weekend - and to those of you that think we are awful sisters! We are taking her to Foxwoods for the day/night. Originally it was just mom and her daughters, but now it's the whole fam damily. The girls are going down early and heading to their spa - SO EXCITED and then having dinner later on that night. Just excited to get away - although I am sharing a room with the middle sister (whom I am the closet with ) and she will see the shots. Guess I won't be keeping it a secret from her much longer.....cannot wait for the alarm to go off at 5:30 that next morning for Mr. Lupron.....oh, they are gonna HATE me! HAHA

How selfish of me

I am trying very hard to not feel bad for myself, to not be upset with the situation God has handed us and I admit, I have days. We all do and will. In the recent effects of Sandy, I tell myself to stop being selfish and feeling bad for myself, to look at everyone else. My heart goes out to all the people who have been effected by this horrible storm.
My middle sister was telling me of a friend of hers family member (that sounds confusing) who lives in New Jersey that lost everything - their house is gone! The only thing that survived was their shed that houses a few tools and Christmas decorations. I felt horrible! Immediately I asked my sister to please find out what size this woman is and I will go through my closet/dresser and get some clothes together for her to give to her friend to pass along - also finding out the size of her husband and having my hubs do the same today.
I think about people that are sick - that go through and suffer much more than I could ever imagine. How selfish of me.
God dealt us this hand and we must learn to live with it and move forward - which is what we will do. There is no other option.
My 'to do' list - check!

Mr. Lupron, my friend, you are NO BUENO!

Holy hell am I reacting differently to Lupron this time around! Last night was the icing on the cake - was on my treadmill and started to feel dizzy (take a sip of water - useless), get moving a little faster and my whole entire abdomen starts to feel bloated and uncomfortable - cure for this....hike the shorts up so the band is around your stomach! Urkel eat your heart out.
So far today: tears this morning getting ready remembering the words my sister used in her email, dizziness, headache, tired, bloated...again, Mr. Lupron you are NO BUENO!!!!! Good news though, hubs has already been warned about me being an emotional basket case - tread lightly my love, tread lightly!
Taking a deep breath, I remember my 'to-do' list that I promised myself I would follow daily. Done.

Hello Mr. November - only 5 more days until our baseline appointment!!! Doing the Carlton dance in my head..am I aging myself?? Hit a rough patch with this cycle, but I am back on track. I can do this. This is our time.

With my guesstimated dates of when everything will be I can't help but think about the last time. I was nervous as hell!!! Hospitals and I do not get along anymore (refer to very first post and you will understand). Trying to keep myself calm and collected as they bring up the past - they gear me up to bring me in for the retrieval. Walking over to the room, making sure I don't flash any of the other women and husbands on my way over, they push the doors open and it's like a freakin' party in the room. Everyone yelled - welcome and good morning. Literally yelled like it was a surprise party! I wasn't quite sure how to handle this so I gave them the nervous, what the hell are you really going to do to me when you knock me out, smile. I'll be ready for them this time - maybe I'll bring noise makers with me and blow them off when I walk in....hmmmm.