Why put yourself through it?

One of the hundreds of times I've heard this question, was just asked again this morning. While sitting with my boss (and close friend) he expressed his concern for me after this past week. He told me he researched what an ectopic pregnancy was and said he became scared for my health. Then asked me why am I going to put myself through this again? Why was I going to put my health at risk? Told me how he felt I had the perfect life: wonderful husband, beautiful daughter, everyone healthy, a home, jobs - why push it? Wasn't Mother Nature giving me enough signs?

I looked at him and just said because why should I have to give up on our dream because of fear?

The conversation continued and he went on about how this whole process has to be an emotional roller coaster, that eventually one day I might snap....clearly he hasn't paid much attention when I'm on Lupron! But what got me the most is when he made the comment about how I must feel like something is wrong with me, that my body is supposed to reproduce and I can't - well I cannot hold on to it. That stung. I haven't thought of those words since the day we took the turn down IVF Alley.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. Yes it does hurt. Yes I want to scream at the lady dragging her 5 kids around yelling at them, treating them like trash, that it's not fair! But then I take a deep breath and realize this is out of my hands. The only thing I can do about this is what hubs and I have been doing and will keep doing.

I told him the thoughts he was having were much stronger on my end in the beginning, when we first started. You reach a point where you become numb, that you know what you have to do to fulfill your dreams.....and you put your big girl pants on......and just do it!

Glimmer of hope....faded

Deep down I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was holding on to the tiniest amount of hope that this pregnancy would make it. Over the past week I was a pee stick addict! I told myself to stop because it was only making it harder, but I just couldn't. I kept comparing the lines and seeing it getting darker - not as dark as the control but pretty close. I would keep going back to check on it to see if it really was still there, that second line....and it would be.
My tiny hope was quickly put out when they told me that they are worried this may be an ectopic pregnancy due to my numbers going up a little bit more. My heart sank, my stomach dropped, and of course, my eyes filled with tears. Why must I always answer when I see 'that number'?!?!?!?!

I collect myself and decide it was best to inform my family - in case something bad were to happen, everyone would know what is going on. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone of them via phone, so I sent an email. Lame, I know. It was the best and only way I could bare to tell them the news. Throughout the weekend I tried to keep myself busy...keep my mind off of what was going on.

Mother's Day comes around.....after I slept on the couch (due to bug not wanting to go back to sleep at 1:00 in the morning), woke up to her nails scraping against the netting of the pack and play, washing dishes, steam clean floors, I brought bug upstairs to hubs and I went to take a shower. Then it happened - my complete melt down. I stood there sobbing uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. My heart was so sad that this was happening all over again. Once I was done with my shower, I told myself I was done with the tears. I went to snuggle with bug and told her she was still the only baby in the house....for now.

Spent the day up at my sister's with my family and took bug down to the beach to take some pictures:

She didn't quite know what to think of the sand, but she'll get used to it....

Back in the RE's office yesterday for more bw and then head off to get u/s. There were no signs of anything but they told me it could mean: miscarriage already happened, too early in pregnancy, ectopic - but didn't feel they saw anything to cause them to worry. I had to go back to meet with my RE to review all the tests/scans/etc. and to discuss moving forward. Had more blood sucked out of me this morning to make sure my numbers are still going down from the day before.

Now I sit and wait for.....that number!

A glimmer of hope

Lupron and I have been having our regular 5:00 am dates for a little while now, just over a week I would say. Every day I kept waiting for AF to rear her ugly head, but nothing....just spotting here and there. Originally I had my bw and u/s appointment for Sunday (which would have been perfect - wouldn't miss the Monday morning meeting) but since AF still hadn't fully arrived, they pushed me off a day. I can deal with missing a meeting - plus I would be home for when bug woke up.

Head down to the appointment - got right in for bw and then sat.....sat for a good 30 minutes before I was called in for my u/s. It was  tech I had from the last cycle (she too remembered me). Got geared up for Wanda the Wand and we start chatting. She had a baby around the same time I did using donor eggs - we were comparing notes with each other's babies as she was scanning my innards. During the conversation there was a slight pause and it caught my attention, but didn't think anything of it.

Appointment is done - now off to work.

Playing catch up from the few hours I had missed, I see 'that' number come across my cell phone. God they are so good at getting back to you. It's Nurse Nancy. She asked if I was home, which didn't really phase me, but told her no, that I had to come in to work. She began to tell me they ran the blood work and noticed my progesterone was high. This sparks them to do a pregnancy test.....you are pregnant. I'm sorry what the fuck did you just say??????????? I'm what????????????  (I say in my head) My eyes fill with tears because I wasn't expecting that at all. She told me the number was really low (27) but couldn't base it on anything since she didn't know when we conceived (trying to do the math in my head.....AH, date night!)

She went on about a few other things but I honestly couldn't pay attention. All of a sudden I couldn't control my emotions. No matter how hard I tried to push it down, the tears were flowing. I am going to lose this pregnancy and there is nothing I can do about it. I called DH and asked if he wanted the good news or bad news....he opted for good. He too was in a state of shock because we were pretty careful (using the good old pull out method and me running to bathroom that we've done hundreds of times and never had a scare) and it would have been just that one time, date night - I laughed when Nurse Nancy told me that is all it takes.

I compose myself as best as I could and called the nurses line to speak to them again. Nurse Nancy called me back and went over everything again. Will need to see me for bw to see if the number is doubling and we will go from there, but we will monitor you closely. Since I was an emotional basket case, I decided it was best for me to finish my day at home. While driving home the tears just kept coming, and then it hit me. All the fears I had shoved down as far as I could, burst through the gates. D&C. I physically, emotionally, mentally cannot go through another one. I can not!

Back to their office I go for another round of bw to see if the numbers have doubled. I of course couldn't help but test and had a small glimmer of hope that the line was darker from the day before. In and out and back on the road. As that number came across my screen I debated whether to answer....it's Nurse Susan this time. The number rose, but to 37...come back Friday for more bw to see what is going on.

Cue more tears.......