Creeping up to half way point

Yeah I've been a total slacker on keeping this up like I did with Bug!
Even my blog has 2nd child syndrome!

Let's see....we spent a week down in Disney over Thanksgiving week and we had our moments. I will say we did have a nice time, but it was very different going with a 15 month and being pregnant. Having gone to Disney, too many times to count, I was used to going full force from open to close of the parks. This was the hardest part for me - I just couldn't do it. I had to fight back the tears one day because I was so physically exhausted, my knee felt like it was going to tear off and I just couldn't lug the backpack/camera anymore. The sicky face bug hit us while we were down there: Bug got it first so she was the germ carrier (as we liked to call her) - then Hubs got it pretty bad - then it hit my parents right around the time we were leaving. Then it was my turn.
We got home on a Friday afternoon and I just didn't care to do anything. Within an hour of being home, Bug had already destroyed the house. I sat and watched it all happen and didn't do anything about it. I couldn't.
By Monday morning I couldn't pick my head up off the pillow so I chose to call in sick - which I felt horrible about because I was just gone for a week. Tried to sleep throughout the day but didn't have much luck. Tuesday same feeling but just felt weak/dizzy. Time to call the doctor's.
When they saw me she told me that between the exhaustion and virus I was fighting it was time for moderate bed rest for 2 days. I knew that this was all my fault for not taking it easy and all I could think about was the stress I put on the baby as well. Thank God for the doppler at home - her heartbeat had been perfect everyday since we'd been back!

Time for our 18 week appointment. OB appointment was nice and quick - heart rate was perfect and all sounds well. Next stop, u/s appointment. Hubs called and said he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to make it - I was a little sad since this would be the first time we actually got to really see her but nothing I could do, he tried but just couldn't make it.
The tech calls me back and we begin the scan. She was in the most awkward position ever - her feet were down by my cervix - her head was squished up by the placenta....this all made it super hard for the tech to get a good profile/3D image. We tried everything to try to get her to move positions - lay on one side, now try the other, let me jiggle your belly (thanks for that!) nothing. First thought....awesome, we have another stubborn punk on our hands! Everything looked great even though they didn't get a perfect shot of the 4 chamber heart. They saw it but then she would jerk a little when they would try to get the image.

I am making a promise to myself that I will do much better at trying to keep this updated, so at least Baby #2 has something to look back and read regarding what I went through with her :)

Happy 5 Years!

The lies can stop!

We have finally told both sides of our families! Hubs and I brought Bug over to his parents house, donning her Big Sister shirt, the day after our u/s and last RE appointment. To our surprise his father was the only one home!

As we all sat in the living room, hubs and I kept laughing to ourselves.....his father is not getting it or he just isn't paying attention to her shirt. Finally after 15 minutes - no exaggeration - he read her shirt out loud and asked us what that meant. Asked us if she was really gonna be a big sister. He was thrilled! Then we sat and waiting anxiously for his mother to get back home. My FIL was sure that she would notice it right away. Well her time frame was longer than his! She even fixed her shirt while she was holding her (nearly died laughing when she didn't notice). Bug was walking towards her when she finally saw the shirt and screamed Big Sister about 5 times! It was great.

That following week was torture! My mom's birthday was coming up so my whole family was getting together to celebrate. She always takes her birthday off (usually plays hookie with my nephew who shares her birthday) and I, as dumb as I was, told my father I had to work from home that day. This lead to them saying they might swing by on their way up to my sisters. Um No. No you can't.
I begin to think of any excuse to use to make sure they don't swing by - I had 2 appointments that afternoon...one u/s and one with OB.

So I lie.

I told them the Jeep has a few recalls and Hubs was able to work his magic with Service to get me in.
Worked out since my father said they wouldn't be leaving till later in the afternoon so won't be able to swing by.

Perfect!

Friday night I begin to wrap every one's gifts. I felt like a little girl as I was getting my mom's gift ready. I had purchased a stuffed animal Nemo for her - back story.....the egg that we ended up transferring was always called Nemo....because of it being the last egg to survive.
As I was putting her gift bag together, I took one of the u/s pictures and taped it to the bottom of the bag and wrote - See you in May (middle sister who knew felt that was a good idea in case she didn't get the stuffed Nemo).

Everyone makes it up to the house Saturday and the food arrives. Hubs leans over and asked if we could give my mom her gift now because he's going to blow it - he's the WORST with secrets!

We all ate and now it was time for gifts. I leap up from the couch and go grab my camera. My oldest sister started to make fun of my mom and I for taking so many pictures, and again I lie and tell her I have to get used to this new lens before our Disney trip.

Kids gifts are done - now it's my mom's turn. My stomach was doing flips. I couldn't wait for her to open it.

As she pulled the first piece of pink tissue paper up, her head falls in her hands. She knows. She got it. When she finally pulled Nemo out she shouted across the room to my father: Eddie look what I got. Him being ever so clueless just nodded and went, oh that's nice. It took him about three times of hearing the word Nemo before he understood. My SIL was standing next to me with complete confusion on her face and asked what this all meant and why was everyone crying. I just turned and looked at her and told her I was pregnant. She was so shocked and just grabbed me to give me a hug. Then said, guess we aren't drinking in Disney together this year ;)

All in all I was so happy I pulled this off. Both of my parents now received our pregnancy news on each of their birthday's.....strange how that worked out.

Here we go again

I couldn't wait to sleep past 5:00 am. When I opened my eyes the room was bright so I knew it was way past my normal morning wake up. It was almost 7:00! YES! Bug was still sleeping, hubs was getting ready and my lazy ass was still laying in bed, enjoying every minute of it.

Hubs got Bug up and continued with their normal morning routine. At that point I figured I best get up since we would have to leave for our appointment soon. Once they were both ready it was my turn to jump in the shower while he headed off to drop Bug at daycare. While I was getting ready I just prayed. I prayed that everything would turn out okay today.

Traffic was the normal heavy, everyone driving up each other's asses. Until one section when all of a sudden I go from driving 11 mph to 67mph. Where the hell did everyone go? Is there a vortex that they drive in to so traffic clears up just before I have to get off the hospital exit? Seriously though, where did they all go?

Hubs was already there waiting for me and we had some time to kill before the appointment. We decided to head to the coffee shop so I could grab a muffin to settle my rumbling belly. Sat there chatting about random stuff before we thought why not head over now to see if we could get in early. I check in and about 5 minutes after I sat down they were calling me back...awesome. What wasn't so awesome was how long I sat in the lounge waiting to be called for the ultra sound! I was literally falling asleep in my chair before the sweet little tech student came back to get me.

While we were headed to the room I cut her off and told her my husband was in the waiting room and if she could please go grab him.....rookie. We are all finally in the room and they are explaining what will happen (been there, done that....too many times!) The u/s tech explained that the student is here working with her and would it be okay is she scanned my stomach. My initial reaction was sure, why not right? She needs to learn. Let me stop and tell you that if any of you are asked this question, it's okay to say no! I don't know how long she had been doing ultra sounds, but wasn't the best idea on my part to have a Rookie scan me - especially since she wasn't getting the best pictures, which of course was causing pure panic to set in.

The tech takes over and shows up the flicker! Thank You Jesus!!!!!!!!!!! Asked me to go empty my bladder to get ready for Wanda the Wand. Another reason to not be excited if there is a student monitoring the appointment - they scanned every inch up in there! EVERY INCH! Once she was done showing the girl every inch of my insides she told me we would get back to the fun part. Listen lady, there is nothing fun about having Wanda the Wand shoved up in your lady bits......but I knew she was referring to going back to look at the baby.

Everything looked great. Radiologist didn't feel the need to come in as there was a strong heartbeat and measurement looked good. We sat in the room for about 10 minutes before we were cleared to go meet with our RE.

During our meeting with the RE I told myself I didn't want to cry. But alas, tears flowed. She is the most sincere, caring, loving woman....I am so glad we had her as our doctor. Chatted about some things and then we asked if she could tell us the sex of the baby. She logged on the her computer and tried to go through all the information but was unable to locate it quickly for us - told us she would call us in about a half an hour to let us know.

Hubs left for work while I waited for the nurse to come out with samples of Crinone - BYE BYE PIO!!!!! Chatted with her for a few and then off I went to enjoy a few quiet hours before it was time to get Bug.

I was pulling on to the highway and see 'that number'.....what did I forget???? It was Nurse Nancy.
So you want to know the sex of the baby?
Well, it's a GIRL!

Well that was scary!

Love Friday's at work....Friday's at work = jeans! I don't have to iron, I don't have to wonder if I already wore that outfit already this week....just throw on some jeans, grab a top and I'm good.
Knew it was going to be an easy day since I had planned on spending half of my day working at our other location - as I was leaving the main office my boss said he had to leave around noon for the doctor's...no problem, I'll make sure I'm back in time.

While I was driving my uterus felt like it was going to explode and the cramps....everything about the ride down was very uncomfortable. When I arrived I drop my laptop off in the empty office I always use and make my rounds to say hello to everyone. As I was talking with one of the mangers I felt the sudden urge to use the bathroom - instead I headed back to get my laptop booted up so I can get some stuff done. Can't hold it any longer - make my way to the bathroom.

My heart sank - I nearly threw up on myself......my liner was covered in blood! NO....this cannot be happening. What is going on? I try to collect myself as best as I can and make it back to the office where my stuff is. I immediately call my RE's office and through the tears I tell them about all the blood....so much blood. I then call hubs and tell him and ask that he please cancel his lunch plans as I need him to be with me.

I sat waiting for them to call back. Nothing. I couldn't stop shaking in fear that I was in fact losing this pregnancy while I was sitting at someones desk. I just stared at my screen, not being able to move or do anything. Finally, I decided to call the main number. The woman that answered informed me the nurses are all doing clinical so they might not answer. I burst into tears and tell her this is an emergency and explain what is going on. I could hear the sorrow in her voice as she tells me she will go grab someone. Nurse Susan gets on the phone and informs me she was just picking up to call me back - asks if I'm still bleeding and if I'm still cramping, to which I answer yes to both questions. Told me she would call me right back with a time to come in for an ultra sound. At that point I was done, my mind was gone. Got the call to be there for 1:00 and then to head up to their office to discuss the results.

I couldn't sit at work anymore. I packed everything up and by the time I made it to my car I went in to complete meltdown. Why is this happening? What went wrong? I cried the whole way home. As I approached my house I could see hubs outside waiting with Bug. All I wanted to do was scoop her up and hug her. Told her that mommy needed lots of love today.

During the time that we spent at home waiting until it was time to leave for the ultrasound, I spent most of that time in the bathroom. I cried, I tried to collect myself, I was confused, I was angry and I was convinced I had lost this pregnancy.

We get to the hospital and didn't have to wait too long. I tried everything in my power to not break down into tears, but when the nurse was explaining what I needed to do: put two gowns on, put your stuff in the locker, take the key, I lost it again. I couldn't even look at her. I then am shuttled to the waiting lounge for the patients and within a few minutes I am being called back. The nurse asked me if I was nervous....what gave it away, my blood shot/swollen eyes?

She gears me up for the ultrasound and I didn't even want to look at the screen - I kept trying to turn my head to see Bug. When she told us she would have to do an internal to get more detail I knew, I knew at that moment there was nothing. We were told we had to wait for the Radiologist before she could perform the internal. At this point Bug had had enough....she was tired and sick and little did she know she was going to the doctor's herself next.

We get word that he is finally there and she begins the internal. She looks around and isn't saying anything. Then she says, there is the sac. I asked what that meant, but nothing. No response. To me that equaled you lost the pregnancy. In walks the Radiologist and what came out of his mouth next, neither Hubs nor I expected.....all looks great. The yolk sac has a great ring that we look for at this stage so nothing to worry about.

So we are okay? We are okay? and with his quick wit charm tells me that WE are okay and asked if I was worried? Well yes sir, I was. The amount of blood and clots that I saw there was no way I was still pregnant. He continued to show me where a hematoma was and that was causing all the bleeding but it should be stopping within a day or 2 due to the size that was left.

Get the go ahead to head up to our RE's office and within minutes of us being in there Nurse Nancy came out and just gave me two thumbs up and told me I was measuring a day ahead. When I asked her why all the bleeding she just said it happens. Well don't you think we go through enough shit we don't need to have this happen?!?!?! She smiled and told me that if I needed to come back next week for another scan, just call. I am hoping that I won't and will make it until my scheduled one.

Hubs and I make it back out to the car...as we are nearing it he looks at me and goes: and you were worried for nothing, see, with his shit eating smile on!

Beta #3

I've been delayed with writing about the 3rd Beta.

Bug and I had to make a trip to the RE's office Saturday morning - I was hoping I could get in early enough that I wouldn't have to take her, since Hubs works, but that wasn't the case. I always feel awkward bringing her into the office - I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or hurt their feelings by 'showing' off my child.....as they sit there and wait to find out if they can have one of their own.

We were pretty lucky and had one couple in the waiting room and they both just smiled at her - you could see the hope in their eyes. I hope their dreams come true!

I get called back by Nurse Personality. At first she looked annoyed that I had Bug with me, but I just ignored it. Sit down and Bug's face begins to change....oh shit, please don't freak out. You could see her white knuckling the tray on the stroller - like she's going to have to get a shot or something. Then Nurse Personality starts to lighten up a bit and tells her that it's okay, it's not for you. It's Mommy's turn for the needle. Turn??? Please, I've been having 'turns' with needles for longer than I care to remember!

Blood sucked out and we are back on the road - knowing I have to race back since I wasn't sure what time my parents would be arriving.

Get our morning started and I can't help but check my phone - constantly. Part of me knew that as soon as my parents were to arrive, that is when I would get the call. And whatta know.....no sooner did my dad sit on the couch the call came in. It took every ounce of strength not to leap across the room to grab my phone to answer. Instead I used the lame excuse of having to get shoes that were upstairs for them to bring home for niece.

Being o so stealth like, I grab my phone and head upstairs to listen to the voicemail.

Your pregnancy level has risen to 795. Keep taking your medication and we have you scheduled for an ultrasound on 9/25.

Today is going to be a good day.

Beta #2

Sitting in the RE's waiting room will never be comfortable - too many things rush through your head. My stomach was in knots, like this was my first time. My heart was racing. I just had this feeling that it wasn't going to be a good day.

Nurse Nancy called me back to the blood sucking room and asked if I was nervous. I of course was and she told me she was nervous for me too....then asked me if that was bad. My first reaction was of course not, it means you care for your patients, then thinking about it, my stomach got even worse. Why was she nervous? What does she know that I don't?
She told me that she would call in a couple hours and she hopes it's with good news - me too.....me too Nurse Nancy.

I get in to the office and begin my day. Hubs called, as he normally does, on his way in to tell me about the morning. About 20 minutes of being in my office 'that number' comes across my phone. I didn't want to answer, but I also couldn't resist.

It was Nurse Nancy (thank God because at least I know she shows emotions) - I asked how she was and she said she was fine and so was I, that my number was 2......that's all I heard. I was so overwhelmed with how high the number had jumped that I didn't hear the rest. She told me to keep taking my meds and to come in Saturday for one last blood draw and then they will call to schedule u/s. I had to ask her again what the number was and admit I didn't really listen - 267! My levels had a doubling time of 25 hours!

Thank you Jesus!

Now just keep growing little bean!!!!!!!!!

POAS Addict!

Those little bastards need a warning label on them - Warning: if you are currently in the middle of a IVF cycle, you are only allowed to purchase 3 tests.

I had purchased a box of these devil pee sticks and told myself I would wait to as close as my Beta as possible before I use them. HA, that's a joke. It was Day 4 - which I clearly know is TOO soon to test, but had to get that urge out of my system. As I predicted stark white, which was okay.

Spent the following day at my parents house - since it was going to be gorgeous out the last thing I wanted to do was be stuck indoors cleaning and doing laundry. By the time I got home I felt the itch again...I could hear them calling me...so of course, I did.

Hello ladies and gentlemen we have a faint line! I was in shock! With Bug I didn't get a positive until Day 7. I couldn't wait for hubs to get home and of course,he was running late. I was getting ready to do the dreaded PIO when I heard him pull into the driveway. I handed Bug the pee stick (cleaned of course) and she walked right over to him. He looked at it, then me and goes: so it's negative? UM NO........squint your eyes and you will see it! He finally saw it and was thrilled.

Beta was Tuesday and I felt pretty good going in. Shortly after I arrived at work 'that number' was calling. It was a nurse I have never dealt with and hope I never have to. She told me my number was 73, that I was pregnant, that it was a good number (even though she told me after I asked that they like to see it around 100 at this point), to continue my meds and to come back in Thursday for second Beta. End of conversation. No congratulations - no excitement in her voice - just cold. So of course my heart sank a little, but after speaking with my girls and meeting with Dr. Google - 73 is a really good number for being tested 8dp5dt.

I continued with my addiction until this morning......I quit cold turkey :) The line is as dark as it's going to get so now all I can do is pray my numbers keep doubling.

Now we wait

They will call you mid/late afternoon on Sunday to give you your transfer time. Since the last two transfers were always in the afternoon, I looked forward to sleeping in past 6:00. When I checked my phone and saw a message from them, I was shocked that they told me I had to be there by 10:00....oh and don't forget to get your blood drawn prior to coming in. Well there goes that plan of sleeping in.

Up early to head to my RE's office for my progesterone level blood work - which let's take a side street for a minute.....PIO's SUCK - they fucking hurt! I had the brilliant idea of trying the tops of my thigh the other night....BIG MISTAKE....HUGE! I was about halfway through and all I wanted to do was pull it out. Still feels like a giant charlie horse. My recommendation is DO NOT EVER DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! EVER!

Okay back to transfer day.....told the hubs I would pick him up at 9:15 (figuring that would give us plenty of time to get in since we'd only be 20 minutes away). HA! Once we hit a section in town, it was a parking lot....only to find out the reason was because they were doing tree work on the side of the road causing everyone to panic! I just about blew a gasket at that point. Weaved in and out of cars to get to the hospital...20 minutes late! As we were literally running across the street I could feel my phone going off....it's them. I tell them I am running in the doors and to the elevator and will be up in 5 minutes.

I get geared up and hubs gets his scrubs on. The nurse asked me how my bladder was and if I needed anything else to drink. I didn't realize how full it actually was until that moment.....yeah, I'm good on drinking anything else. Then we sat....and sat......and sat. I hear the doctor say he has to run to OR and will be back in 5 minutes. Um, what? There is no way you will make it down there and back in 5 minutes....crap I really have to pee. I get up and start to walk circles around the chair to alleviate some of the bladder pressure. One of the nurses asked if I wanted to empty just a little bit out of my bladder. Listen lady, if I'm going to the bathroom, I'm gonna empty all of it. There is no way I can just let a little out.

The doc finally makes it back - 20 minutes later! Runs over to me, tells me how perfect the blast is, sign some paperwork and off we go. He wanted to do a mock transfer first and that went as perfect as he wanted it to go. Now it's time for Nemo (for those of you that have seen the movie....we gave 'him' this name since 'he' was the last egg to survive). In goes the embryo and we wait for what felt like an hour. For some reason I felt the urge to cry. Why was this so emotional for me? Was it because I felt this might be it for us? Would we want to go through this all again?

30 seconds the nurse says.

Please God, let this little one snuggle in and stay nice and comfy for the next 10 months.

It's a date!

Why haven't they called yet? They always call between 1-2! Was something wrong? Was my blood work screwed up? Did they see something during my ultrasound? I will give them until 3 before I call/have a complete melt down.

Yup - that was me. Bat shit crazy! I was so used to being called at the same time after every appointment, that when it didn't happen I took a turn to crazy town.

After I picked bug up from daycare I could hear my phone buzzing.....it was 'that' number'. Nurse Lisa - no clue who she is - was calling to tell me we have a transfer date! Thank you Jesus! She asked if they had my permission to thaw the embryo's....plural???? unless another one spontaneously appeared, we only have 1 swan! Yes, yes you have my permission. She then gave me my instructions for the PIO shots and to continue the estrace 2x a day.

PIO shots..........those fucking things hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never had to be on them before, so when it came time to give the shot, I couldn't stop shaking! This needle is gigantic! I'm going to hit an organ! *knowing that would not be the case* I made sure I watched a video on YouTube (thank you ladies for making instructional videos!) and off I went. Grabbed my frozen bag of corn, the syringe, 22 gauge needle to replace the 18 gauge, alcohol wipes, hot cloth.

The video I watched showed me how to properly inject in the lower part of your back....place frozen veggies on spot for a few minutes, clean area, put majority of weight on left side so your muscles don't tense, stretch the skin, inject slowly. Put hot cloth on and massage for 5-10 minutes.

Mother of Pearl that sucked! I cannot imagine having to continue on these - God willing if all goes well - for 10 weeks. I would much rather shove suppositories up my lady bits than do this.

Tonight I might try the tops of my thighs.......just thinking about it makes me squeamish!

A letter to you

My Dearest Bug,
   I am working on the checklist of what needs to be finished up for your first birthday party and cannot help but tear up. Where has this year gone? Why are you growing so fast? You too will be told this - and won't believe them either like I did - but it truly goes by with a blink of an eye.

You have grown so much and I love watching you study everything we pass, knowing you are trying to understand it all. You study everything and that is one thing I hope never changes with you. I hope you never lose that intrigue of how things work. You have taught me to do the same....you have taught me slow down, well when I'm not chasing you into the other rooms, you have taught me to slow down and understand things better. It's okay to stop and actually smell the roses....what you need to do will still be there.

You have taught me to be silly again - to make funny noises and faces at each other, no matter who is looking or where you are. You have taught me it's okay to be messy - it's nothing that soap and water won't take away. You have taught me to breathe - learn true patience, which I truly lacked before you were born. You have taught me to laugh for no reason at all. I could keep going.....

The most important thing you've taught me this year Bug.......unconditional love does exist.

I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for us!

Excuse me hurdle number 3

Not knowing what is going on is the absolute WORST when it comes to IVF. W.O.R.S.T.

Last night I couldn't sleep - I couldn't get comfortable. Between my head racing and my body gearing up for AF to come roaring in, I just tossed and turned....and man, do I look like a bag-o-shit today! ;)

Throughout the morning I was wondering if today was going to be cycle day 1. I just wanted an excuse to call the nurses line to see if I could get anymore information out of them. As the spotting got a little heavier I felt it was good enough to call. Sitting at my desk I was wondering if they would even consider this cycle day 1 or make me wait until a real full bleed............maybe I should have warned everyone about TMI............this post will have some TMI! HA

While my hand was reaching for my cell phone, a call comes in. Oh shit, that's a Boston area code. Why are they calling me? I can't answer! I can't cry at work anymore! I can't hear bad news! And just like that, my finger swipes the screen to answer the call.

It was Dr. So and So from Brigham's, we have your results. My body begins to shake uncontrollably....please God, just one....all we need is one good one. Begins to tell me that three were tested and out of the three that were tested - LISTEN, I know three were tested, just give me the results!!!!!!!!!!! - out of the three that were tested, you have one normal one for your FET.

All I could muster up was - all we need is one. Dr. So and So agreed!

One final hurdle to go!

I believe in signs

As Day 3 was approaching I couldn't help but wonder how my embabies were doing - were they going to call me with an update to keep me in the loop? Nothing. No call. The only thing that was keeping me sane was telling myself that no call meant we had to have a least one still going strong, right?

Day 4 passes - still no call.

Day 5 hits and today is the day they freeze who ever made it and send out for testing. God my stomach was in knots all morning - praying my phone would not ring. Hubs and I went to a baseball game that night and it was still hard for me not to let my head wander. We discussed about whether or not I should call, hubs told me I should. Deep down I think he might have been a little worried too, but will never admit it.

Day 6 arrives. Fuck it, I'm calling. The worst they can say is that I've had nothing make it to test and you are going to have to start all over. I went in to work late that day so I called before I left the house. As I dove into the mounds of paperwork on my desk, 'that number' comes across my phone. I asked her if she could please let me know how many made it to test. 'I'm sorry, I don't have that information up with me.' Well shit woman, you best find it - why else do you think I was calling!!!! What felt like hours - which I'm sure was probably a hot minute in real time - she informed me that we had 2 make it to Day 5 and that we have a total of 3 that are going to be tested (one from our first cycle that we froze). Well alright then. I can handle that for today. She told me she would call once she had the results/next protocol from my RE.

I emailed hubs to let him know the number and he was just as pleased. God, please let there be one normal in there.

While I was swimming in a sea of papers I suddenly stopped what I was doing and started to laugh. It hit me.

Let's backtrack for a second.
Driving in to work I was listening to the song Chandelier and the part where she's singing 1,2,3...3 I told myself that I would be psyched if they told us we had 3 today.

Back to me sitting at my desk laughing.....huh, would you look at that - we did end up with 3. Why hello random sign of the day. Maybe I should go play the lottery now!

One less hurdle to jump over.....Two more to go!

We just need one

I kept telling myself that if we have at least 5 it will be okay. I spent the day with my office door shut trying to keep myself as busy as I could while waiting for the call with the fertilization report. Since I was still pretty uncomfortable from the retrieval it was nice to have quiet time - no one bothers me when they see that door closed.

They said they would call in the afternoon - shortly before 1:00 I get the call. When I answered my phone the call suddenly drops. WHAT?????????? I wait for a few minutes to see if they will call right back. Nothing. Stomach has now started to creep up into my throat. After what felt like over an hour I decided to call the nurses line and just as I was leaving my information they were calling back.
As soon as I answered I had some nurse blurt out - only 4 fertilized. They will be biopsied on Day 5.

I was in such a state of heartbroken shock that I couldn't even respond before she was hanging up. 4? Only 4? I couldn't focus on anything else after that. Hubs and I talked and he still really wasn't understanding and said we'll have 5 to test, that's great (we have our one frozen from our first cycle that is being tested). After I explain to him that we have 4 today, will not mean we will have 4 by Day 5 he started to realize why I was so upset. Kept assuring me that we only need one - we only had one with our last cycle and she's just about to turn 1.

I avoided any and all phone calls last night - especially from my sister who knew we went in. I just couldn't talk about it any more. By the time hubs got home last night I came to terms with this being out of our hands, out of our control. It is what it is at this point. If we have none to transfer, we'll just get back on the horse and start the race all over again.

One hurdle down. Three more to go

The hours were slowly passing with each toss and turn I made. The anticipation of the egg retrieval had completely taken over my mind. I decided to just get up and take a shower. My stomach was in knots as I was rushing around trying to get everything ready for my MIL to watch Bug. Hubs and I leave and start to make our way into Boston. When we stopped for gas I entered in the address that I found when I looked it up online on my phone. Something about it just didn't seem right, but it said the name of the hospital so I stopped over thinking it.

As soon as we get on the highway my insides start to freak the fuck out..........why didn't he listen to me when I told him there would be morning traffic!!!! Try to keep it bottled up as I don't want to argue on our way in. Hubs wasn't understanding why I was freaking out and I had to keep explaining that I needed to be there by a specific time - that if we were late I would be afraid they would say we couldn't do the retrieval.

Nav tells us to get off an exit and this is when I begin to let all my panic loose.

This isn't right - this is the wrong way - I should have just given directions myself as I know exactly where it is! We pull over and enter in the RIGHT address and off we go. Thankfully we weren't too far off to where we needed to be and made it just at the exact time we were told to be there by (well be there not later than this time). The nurse brings me back and said we'll move right along and get you right in. Being the first one in is nice - you don't have to sit and wait.

Get me geared up, bring hubs back to me for about 2 seconds before they are bringing into the retrieval room? Would we call it that? It's not an operating room per say....hmmm.....so they bring me in and one nurse is hovering over the right side of me and the asst. anesthesiologist is hovering over the right. Oxygen mask on and in comes the doctor. He asked everyone to pause for a moment and all I could think is, are we going to say a prayer right now??? Can I at least get my legs out of the stirrups first??? All he wanted me to do was confirm my full name, date of birth and why I was in there. Confirmed my name and date of birth, but when it came time to confirm why I was in there part of me wanted to say, I just want a really good nap ;) Knowing that wouldn't have been the smartest move, I answered properly. And off I went to la la land!

I remember coming to and saying I thought I was home. They giggled and told me that I was still at the hospital and the retrieval went very well, we got 9 eggs.

Come too a little more and see hubs sitting next to me playing on my phone and told him how I said I thought I was home when I woke up - he just laughed at me. The doctor comes over and told us everything went very well and we ended up with 10 eggs. WHAT?????? 10????????? We were pretty happy with that - the most we've ever gotten. The embryologist came over and confirmed we were still at 10 eggs and will call us tomorrow afternoon with the fertilization report.

One hurdle down.....three more to go - pray for great fertilization report......pray a good number make it to Day 5 for freeze.....pray we have at least one normal embryo for transfer after PGD.

Tomorrow's the big day

After spending the weekend with Wanda the Wand appointments, I was surprised when I got the call that it was trigger time! I knew the sizes were all there and everything else looked great, I was just thinking one more day. Not sure why I would have wanted to stab myself one more day, but I guess I was just hoping to get some more follicles caught up to the rest.

At my last Wanda appointment we were still at 12 measurable (with 10 trying to catch up) - this is the most we've EVER had at this point so I was very happy with that. I tell hubs he's gonna have a great night, not only do you get to stab me with a needle, we get to do the deed. Thankfully I didn't need him to do the injection because it was a different kind that the last two cycles.

Slept horribly - kept playing the game that I really suck at.....the What If game. What if we don't have a great fertilization report? What if none make it to freeze? What if none are tested normal?
This is what I hate the most about infertility.......the needles, the blood being sucked out making me look like a junky, the wanda the wand appointments - all of that I can deal with.....the next day or so, not so much. One would think that because I've already been on this roller coaster that I would be used to the anticipation of the drop, but I'm not. Each ride is different.

Until we are gearing up for transfer, I will keep my legs and arms inside the ride at all times.

We've all failed once or twice

When I saw this picture, the first thing I did was laugh....because of my newest bruises on my body from the shots. Then once I read it again, it meant something different.

Failure is a bruise.....it happens......it teaches us.......it's not always a bad thing. I've had my fair share of failures in my lifetime - from school to relationships to having children. With each failure I grew stronger, I grew tougher and I grew smarter (at least I like to think I have).

During the beginning months of treatments I felt like I failed, I failed as a woman. I couldn't do what we were supposed to do. With each shot the failure stayed - why did I have to take medication when other's didn't? Over time that feeling went away. Once I knew that I wasn't alone and I allowed myself to open up about our struggles, the word failure left my vocabulary.

As I'm reaching day 7 of stims I can feel that word creeping back up. The only thing I can do about it is to kick it's ass and prove it wrong again. I will not fail. I will continue to grow stronger each and every day....but shit, do these bruises hurt!

Back at it

Today was my first bw and u/s appointment. One would think that after having been to these appointments hundreds of times, I would be used to it. That I would be used to going to the second floor of the hospital, that I would be used to sitting in the waiting room (alone today), that I would be used to blood being sucked out of my arm...and well, I don't think anyone would be used to the Wanda the Wand meetings.
But no, that was not the case this morning.

Driving down the traffic was a breeze. The music was blasting, windows were open.....it was a great morning.

I arrived super early so I sat in the parking garage and played on my phone for a bit and when I shut the Jeep off, my stomach dropped. Nervous belly kicked in. What the hell was going on? It felt like this was the first day of a new school and I knew no one. Was it because the last time I was there I found out I was preggers? Couldn't be - knew that I wasn't thanks to AF showing up when she needed to. Is it because this might be it for us? Could this be the last time we go through this whole process (if successful)?

Appointment went rather quickly - stopped by my house on the way to work for a quick second and was able to give Bug a few more kisses. Off to work I go....blah!

Here we are again.......sitting........waiting.........starring at my phone........waiting for that number!

One of those weeks

Not even sure where to begin with this one..........I guess I'll start with this:

Hello Mr. Lupron....we meet again!!!!! And I already hate you!!!!!!!!!! After only 3 days of being on you, the headaches have already started.....ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

Now to back track. Hubs and I both took this past Thursday off to head to 'The Cape' because his sister rented a house for the week and his family was going to be down there. We both agreed to pack for 2 days and see what happens. Now the reason I have 'The Cape' like this is for a few reasons....one, I don't consider that town the Cape since it is before the bridge (will refrain from naming the town because I'm gonna bash the shit out of it), the town itself was straight up disgusting! Nothing about this town reminded me of the Cape ...AT ALL! When we pull up to the house, I immediately became overwhelmed as his whole family started to bum rush the car. After taking a few deep breathes I make my way out to get Bug, who was in need of a diaper change. I left hubs to unpack the car while I handled that.....with my MIL hovering over my shoulder. Again, take deep breathes.

The house.....oh the house, was gross! Before anyone thinks I'm little Miss Prissy Pants, you are wrong.....my favorite past times are hitting dive bars (because that is where you really have the most fun!) Okay back to the house - it was nasty! Not in a dirty/filthy way - just stunk and needed a gazillion updates! Hubs and I get ready to head down to the beach and my SIL was waiting for us. She told us she was very mislead on the house, that the beach was actually 2 streets away and not 1. Really? You're gonna go with that as your first complaint? That one? Not the fact that the second night there ya'll had no water and they had to drive down to fix it? Not that the house was in shambles and desperately needed a face lift? Huh...right on.

The walk to the beach was literally not even 1 minute long. The only nice thing about the beach....didn't get crowded. Spent the day down there and had lunch on the pier, which that was really good! Hubs, niece, Bug and I head back to the house around 4:30 to get showers done before the rest of the crew came back. The shower.....it would have been better if I filled the tub and took a bath. Pretty sure I still had shampoo in my hair when I got out - even my SIL was worried for me because of the amount of hair I have!

Hubs, SIL and her friend head out to go get lobsters/steamers for dinner while myself and my BIL head to get some beer. I had no words for what we saw when we were in there......well I do, trash! If the shower worked better, I probably would have taken another one when we got back to the house! We had a nice dinner and enjoyed some conversation before Bug decided she wasn't having the pack-n-play in this place. Took about an hour for her to finally realize we weren't coming back up to rescue her. Once she was out my MIL told us to all go out for a drink. Since I never go out, I took her up on that opportunity! Hubs and I debated changing but realized who cared what we looked liked. We waited for the other 3 to come out front for a bit until we couldn't take it anymore - we left.

Get to the bar and told him I just needed a stiff Bacardi and Diet! The rest of them met us and the night was fun - bar shut down at 11 and Hubs wanted to just have one more drink. Hubs, myself and my SIL best friend all went to the local bar for one more. Now, you know the scenes in movies where someone walks into the bar and everyone turns the heads and the music stops.....yup, that's what it felt like! HA I will say I've been in worse bars, to the point I've felt like I've needed a tetanus shot, but still, this one was up there! 

The next morning we were up bright and early with Bug and took a walk around the town - only to confirm how disgusting the town really was! When we got back my FIL was still the only one up, this, on top of the shitty weather that was coming in from the hurricane, made up our minds that we were going home. Neither one of us wanted to have Bug suffer another night. Packed up and headed home.

Once home I noticed what I thought was heat rash from the day before was still there and she had a slight fever. Thinking it was from all 4 of her teeth coming down, we didn't think much of the fever.....until the next morning when the rash had spread to her face!

Off to the doctor's to have him tell us she has what he believes to be Roseola - nothing to be concerned about. Ran some errands that afternoon and spent the afternoon in Boston Sunday....wondering if everyone thought our kid had scabies. When we got home I went up to change out of my sundress and notice my whole torso is covered in a rash. WHAT IN THE FUCK?????? Hubs and I try to figure out what I ate that would cause this - what happens when I have an allergic reaction. Nothing, nothing I ate or drank was anything new. Take a benedryl and see what happens.

By Tuesday it was time for me to go to the doctor's to get my rash looked at - daycare called and said Bug needed to be picked up because her temp was 101.5, so hubs went to get her and bring her to the doc. I met them after my appointment only to find out I had to take her to get blood work done. Um, nope, no I don't. My heart broke into a million pieces when I opened the back door and saw her so lethargic and her body temp was so hot! I cried pretty much the whole way to the hospital because I just wanted her better, wanted to know what was going on, and truthfully didn't want to bring her to get blood work!

We get registered with the ER department and head to lab - she wouldn't leave my chest. I was trying everything I could to make her giggle and succeeded once. Door opens and they call her name....ugh, I'm not ready to do this. Off we go. Once in the room they inform me I have to sit with her in the blood sucker chair.....awesome! After they find a good vein, in her hand, I warn them that she is very strong - so we all clamp down a little tighter. I'm not sure if Bug was just done with everyone poking and prodding her or was hitting a drug como....but that little shit made one little 'eh' sound and then was falling asleep on me as they were sucking her blood out! PHEW............

Spent the day home with her yesterday and she seemed to be doing better, but still clingy which made getting work done a little difficult. Once she was down, I notice that my rash has really spread to my legs/arms. Come ON! I decided to take a shower to see if it was maybe from the lotion I used that morning - totally reaching, as I knew that wasn't the case. Back to the doctor's I went.......had a NP this time who tried telling me it was heat rash.....I'm sorry swan, I haven't been in the sun for a long period of time since LAST Thursday. Try again. They believe it's contact dermatitis - not sure what from since I haven't used anything different (soaps, lotions, detergents) so who the hell knows what is happening with me right now.

Hubs brought Bug to daycare and told me once he went in to the other room, 'all the little faces had spots on them.' Perfect.....just perfect.

Just a little romance

Really isn't a lot to ask, right? Hubs and I are really not the touchy, feely, public display of affection type of people, which is okay. But once in a while it's nice for him to grab my hand or give me a nice kiss for no apparent reason.

When we first started dating it was all about the romance - doors were opened for me, dinners out at nice places, walked next to me, etc. Now....okay the dinners out are few and far between but when we do, we still go to nice places (we are very much foodies) but doors opened...HA, I'm lucky I can catch them before they are shut in my face. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but sometimes I miss my boyfriend.
I know I've changed too - we all do. We all become comfortable and forget what it was like in the beginning.

Hubs and I went away for the night a while back and it was great. Neither one of us 'checked in' on Crackbook (aka Facebook) we didn't post anything, we didn't text anyone - we did call my parents a few times to make sure our daughter was okay - and it felt great. It was like how we were when we first started dating, okay not really like how we first started dating, I did have to ask him to walk with me instead of ahead of me :) We ate, we drank, we talked, without any interruptions. No one from work calling or texting him about what they should do, how they should handle things, etc. Just him and I.

Don't get me wrong, we missed Bug immensely, but sometimes it's nice to have alone time - it doesn't make us bad parents that we took a night for ourselves....once in a blue moon, ah now I want a Blue Moon.....once in a blue moon is okay!

After being together for almost 10 years now I often wonder how to get the spark back. Then I stop....when I get a picture text of a diaper filled to the brim of poop with a comment, "biggest one yet!"

Wrong Profession

I often wonder how I got in to the profession I am in....HR for an automotive company.There are days I have to bite my tongue before I tell someone they are being a jackhole....or tell the young kids to put on their big boy pants when they come to my office to complain about being picked on in the shop (and no, it is NOT bullying.....I know the difference!!!)

Today was another example of me biting my tongue. As I was sitting with a new hire, we start to chat. She asks if the pictures on my back shelf were of my daughter, and I tell her they are. She then proceeds to tell me that her friend, who's 20, has a 10 month old and is pregnant with twin boys (told me she was married to a guy in the military in case I thought her friend might be some kind of tramp or something....last thing that was going through my mind) and how no one believed that she had given birth after her daughter because she lost all her weight 2 months after.

Now....my first thought in my head was.....GET OUT!
But knowing that wouldn't be professional, I decided to throw daggers with my eyes. Okay not intentionally, it just happened.

Why the hell would you say that? Good for your 20 year old friend who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and bounce right back after having a baby. Why don't you come to me when your friend is say....37....and see how's she's doing. Does she still have that rock hard, 20 year old figure??? Gonna go with no, no she doesn't. Because guess what swan, in real life, your body goes away - unless you work really hard at keeping it in shape (which is a lot of work...I've done it!).

Maybe I should make a drinking game out of how many times I have to bite my tongue....hmmmm
Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Mom's Night Out

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! It is sad to admit that last night was the first night I went out with my girlfriends...since....forever! The day moved nice and quickly, picked up Bug from day care and she was in the best mood she's been in all week. Get home and hubs arrives shortly after I do - which gave me time to start to pack overnight bags for her and I for tonight.

Two of my girlfriends and I jump in my Jeep and off we go. I felt guilty for a hot minute when I was pulling out of the driveway...will hubs be okay with her by himself? will she be on her schedule? will he remember to give her a bath? Then I shut my brain off and said, he's got this. Well...he forgot the bath, but whatever. She went down no problem for him, which was great because my fear was coming home and she'd be on my side of the bed!

We got to the location for dinner and met up with the other 3 girls....wait wasn't too long, thank God, because I was starving and would have throat punched someone if I had to wait a long time! Yes, I get hangry....that and on top of it taking over an hour to get to where we needed to be....all I needed was food and a beer.

Once we are seated I open the menu, to 3 pages of beer. WHAT in the WHAT?????? Literally could not focus and felt the pressure when it came to my turn - good thing my girlfriend next to me picked a beer that I thought I would enjoy because I just muttered, I'll have what she's having.

Now that the pressure of choice of beer was over with, I flipped the page. Only to find 7 pages of food options. Come on........I start to eliminate sections and finally focus on what I want. Took the menu and threw it towards to top of the table so I couldn't change my mind.

The laughter and conversations were too much to keep up with. I knew I missed this, but didn't realize how much.

After listening to two of my girlfriends talking, I turned to the one next to me and say: you know how you know you are old? Your dinner conversation consists of Crohn's Disease.
We both burst into laughter and started to wonder what happened to us.....the good old days of conversations that consisted of who did the walk of shame in the early morning hours? how drunk we all were the night before? where were going tonight?

At this point the conversations started to turn and go back to the way we were...completely inappropriate!

I sat back in the booth, took a sip of my blueberry beer and smiled.....man I missed this!

Food

Whoever thought it was a good idea to give a child rice, is clearly insane! That shit gets EVERYWHERE!!!!

I must have stood there for a good 10 minutes before realizing I couldn't leave Bug in her highchair all night....contemplated it, but didn't. Scooped her, and about a pound of rice, up from her seat to hang directly over the kitchen sink and started to wipe these sticky grains off....oh along with mashed avocado. Looking back now, I WAS the insane one for choosing this as her meal!
*Note to self.....NEVER AGAIN do this combination*

Gearing up for her to start to eat table food - makes her sound like a dog - it was hard. It meant time was running away from me and I hated it! Why is it that when we were working so hard for her to come into our lives, time moved at a snails pace....but now, her first birthday is 2 months and 3 days away! WHAT???? It's no joke when they say time flies!

Back to food.....she's been on the school lunch program all week (our daycare has their own 'chef' who prepares meals/snacks for the kids....worth paying the price (aka second mortgage) now that we are doing this. She's had anything from bagels and cream cheese to turkey wraps (okay not a real wrap but more turkey pieces and whole wheat wrap pieces sprinkled on her tray). Snacks are usually fruits/veggies, yogurt, cheese, and crackers.

She's out with Hubs today at an Indian restaurant.....wonder if she likes curry?

That mom!

Have you ever been out in public and you hear a screaming child and wonder why the parents cannot quiet them down? Yup, I was THAT mom yesterday!

Bug and I went out after her 10:00 feeding to run some errands - figuring I had plenty of time before she was ready to eat lunch...boy was I wrong! Hit one store and she did great - got some things for Hubs birthday, some cute stuff for her and a few other things. I checked the time and figured I could do a quick run through the grocery store before we had to head home. My cue should have been her crying in the backseat during the 2 minute car ride from one store to the next!

Thinking she was just warm, I quickly get her out of the car and into the store....she was fine. That lasted about 3 isles before she was crying and the looks started....settle down lady, it's not like we are at Church or in a movie theater....her crying isn't going to interfere with you grabbing another box of cookies!

I high tail it to the baby food isle...where the fuck is the baby food isle.....for the LOVE of Pete!!!! After I made it safely to that section of the store, realizing I most likely ran over a few feet trying to find my way, I reach for a container of Puffs. Rip off the plastic wrapping only to have it not completely go all the way down, making it damn near impossible for the cap to come off.

The crying gets louder.....you plastic piece of shit, come OFF! Bam, there it goes, across the isle and I begin to pass these heaven from Godsend treats into her little mouth.

The crying has subsided....phew!

Start to make my way to the next isle and the tears start again....clearly these star shaped, air puffed Puffs are not going to cut it. Off to the register I go.

Trying to get that container out of my 9 month old hands was damn near impossible - that girl has one strong grip! Damn it where is that stupid cap again!?!??!

Ask the cashier to quickly scan the Puffs so it can go back to being super glued in Bugs hand. I couldn't have been happier with the line I chose. The two women were amazing at keeping her engaged and then a young kid came over because he wasn't bagging and helped entertain her while I was checking out.

So thank you my dear Stop-n-Shop employees....thank you for not making me fee like THAT mom! I will come back to see you again, even though I'm not a huge fan of your store, I am now a huge fan of your employees!

Why put yourself through it?

One of the hundreds of times I've heard this question, was just asked again this morning. While sitting with my boss (and close friend) he expressed his concern for me after this past week. He told me he researched what an ectopic pregnancy was and said he became scared for my health. Then asked me why am I going to put myself through this again? Why was I going to put my health at risk? Told me how he felt I had the perfect life: wonderful husband, beautiful daughter, everyone healthy, a home, jobs - why push it? Wasn't Mother Nature giving me enough signs?

I looked at him and just said because why should I have to give up on our dream because of fear?

The conversation continued and he went on about how this whole process has to be an emotional roller coaster, that eventually one day I might snap....clearly he hasn't paid much attention when I'm on Lupron! But what got me the most is when he made the comment about how I must feel like something is wrong with me, that my body is supposed to reproduce and I can't - well I cannot hold on to it. That stung. I haven't thought of those words since the day we took the turn down IVF Alley.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. Yes it does hurt. Yes I want to scream at the lady dragging her 5 kids around yelling at them, treating them like trash, that it's not fair! But then I take a deep breath and realize this is out of my hands. The only thing I can do about this is what hubs and I have been doing and will keep doing.

I told him the thoughts he was having were much stronger on my end in the beginning, when we first started. You reach a point where you become numb, that you know what you have to do to fulfill your dreams.....and you put your big girl pants on......and just do it!

Glimmer of hope....faded

Deep down I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was holding on to the tiniest amount of hope that this pregnancy would make it. Over the past week I was a pee stick addict! I told myself to stop because it was only making it harder, but I just couldn't. I kept comparing the lines and seeing it getting darker - not as dark as the control but pretty close. I would keep going back to check on it to see if it really was still there, that second line....and it would be.
My tiny hope was quickly put out when they told me that they are worried this may be an ectopic pregnancy due to my numbers going up a little bit more. My heart sank, my stomach dropped, and of course, my eyes filled with tears. Why must I always answer when I see 'that number'?!?!?!?!

I collect myself and decide it was best to inform my family - in case something bad were to happen, everyone would know what is going on. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone of them via phone, so I sent an email. Lame, I know. It was the best and only way I could bare to tell them the news. Throughout the weekend I tried to keep myself busy...keep my mind off of what was going on.

Mother's Day comes around.....after I slept on the couch (due to bug not wanting to go back to sleep at 1:00 in the morning), woke up to her nails scraping against the netting of the pack and play, washing dishes, steam clean floors, I brought bug upstairs to hubs and I went to take a shower. Then it happened - my complete melt down. I stood there sobbing uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. My heart was so sad that this was happening all over again. Once I was done with my shower, I told myself I was done with the tears. I went to snuggle with bug and told her she was still the only baby in the house....for now.

Spent the day up at my sister's with my family and took bug down to the beach to take some pictures:

She didn't quite know what to think of the sand, but she'll get used to it....

Back in the RE's office yesterday for more bw and then head off to get u/s. There were no signs of anything but they told me it could mean: miscarriage already happened, too early in pregnancy, ectopic - but didn't feel they saw anything to cause them to worry. I had to go back to meet with my RE to review all the tests/scans/etc. and to discuss moving forward. Had more blood sucked out of me this morning to make sure my numbers are still going down from the day before.

Now I sit and wait for.....that number!

A glimmer of hope

Lupron and I have been having our regular 5:00 am dates for a little while now, just over a week I would say. Every day I kept waiting for AF to rear her ugly head, but nothing....just spotting here and there. Originally I had my bw and u/s appointment for Sunday (which would have been perfect - wouldn't miss the Monday morning meeting) but since AF still hadn't fully arrived, they pushed me off a day. I can deal with missing a meeting - plus I would be home for when bug woke up.

Head down to the appointment - got right in for bw and then sat.....sat for a good 30 minutes before I was called in for my u/s. It was  tech I had from the last cycle (she too remembered me). Got geared up for Wanda the Wand and we start chatting. She had a baby around the same time I did using donor eggs - we were comparing notes with each other's babies as she was scanning my innards. During the conversation there was a slight pause and it caught my attention, but didn't think anything of it.

Appointment is done - now off to work.

Playing catch up from the few hours I had missed, I see 'that' number come across my cell phone. God they are so good at getting back to you. It's Nurse Nancy. She asked if I was home, which didn't really phase me, but told her no, that I had to come in to work. She began to tell me they ran the blood work and noticed my progesterone was high. This sparks them to do a pregnancy test.....you are pregnant. I'm sorry what the fuck did you just say??????????? I'm what????????????  (I say in my head) My eyes fill with tears because I wasn't expecting that at all. She told me the number was really low (27) but couldn't base it on anything since she didn't know when we conceived (trying to do the math in my head.....AH, date night!)

She went on about a few other things but I honestly couldn't pay attention. All of a sudden I couldn't control my emotions. No matter how hard I tried to push it down, the tears were flowing. I am going to lose this pregnancy and there is nothing I can do about it. I called DH and asked if he wanted the good news or bad news....he opted for good. He too was in a state of shock because we were pretty careful (using the good old pull out method and me running to bathroom that we've done hundreds of times and never had a scare) and it would have been just that one time, date night - I laughed when Nurse Nancy told me that is all it takes.

I compose myself as best as I could and called the nurses line to speak to them again. Nurse Nancy called me back and went over everything again. Will need to see me for bw to see if the number is doubling and we will go from there, but we will monitor you closely. Since I was an emotional basket case, I decided it was best for me to finish my day at home. While driving home the tears just kept coming, and then it hit me. All the fears I had shoved down as far as I could, burst through the gates. D&C. I physically, emotionally, mentally cannot go through another one. I can not!

Back to their office I go for another round of bw to see if the numbers have doubled. I of course couldn't help but test and had a small glimmer of hope that the line was darker from the day before. In and out and back on the road. As that number came across my screen I debated whether to answer....it's Nurse Susan this time. The number rose, but to 37...come back Friday for more bw to see what is going on.

Cue more tears.......

Eye Opener

Yesterday was just like any other day at daycare when I went to pick up bug...until I hear 'Code Red' come over the PA system. What went from dancing with bug, laughing and joking with the teachers quickly turned into serious, move your ass mode.

I just stood there not knowing what was going on or what to do. One teacher looked at me and said in a stern voice, she goes in crib and we all go in the bathroom. It's a lock down code. I quickly put bug into the crib with two other babies and run to hold the door open for everyone. They wheeled the kids in, carried a few and told one of the other mothers, who was in the hallway getting ready to leave, that she had to come in to the bathroom with us.

We stood there in the dark - door locked - teacher fumbling to find a flashlight in their emergency backpack - babies screaming. My stomach was in my throat....it hit me. I will never be able to imagine what any of those teachers/children felt or thought when they were going through it for real. They hid scared, wondering what was going to happen.

It was just a short time before someone was banging on the door - now is this a test, do we open it? The banging was getting louder. We then heard 'All Clear' and opened the door. Before I could blink I was scooping up my daughter to calm her down, to hold her, to let her know mommy was there.

The other mother and I asked how often do they do these and why now. The teacher informed us that ever since the Newtown shooting they do these drills once a month, but wasn't sure why they were doing one that day since they just had one last week. We think it was because there were an unusual number of parents picking up and they wanted to show us the drill - which is great, but shit......makes you realize that no matter where you go, you are never safe.

I get to the car and start to cry.

Damn you Lupron!!!!!!!

OH fun fact Friday:
  My father, both my sisters and I all went to the same college - Norwich University!

Green Light Means......GO!!!!!

Let the emotions begin! I went in for bw yesterday morning (had me come in early due to some spotting) and got the call that I can go ahead and start my meds the next morning. One problem with that - I haven't called them in yet!!!! Left a message to see if I can start tomorrow night and then back to the morning if the hubs isn't able to go pick them up - thankfully the place is only 15 minutes from his work.

As the day went on, I couldn't help begin to panic and play the what if game. I just wanted to close my eyes and have it be transfer time. The next month is going to be a tough one - especially with having to hide it all from our families - we joked last night that I would have to hide the bag full of needles since his mom watches bug at the house....that would be an interesting conversation!

Hubs got home with the meds last night and my stomach dropped as I was pulling it all out of the bag. Can I do this again? Am I ready to put my body/mind through it all? I know the answer is yes - I know I have no option if we want to expand our family.

Got up at my normal time and prepped for the first injection. 20 units???? What in the fuck?????? That's a lot of Satan juice!!! Maybe it won't be that terrible since they've told me this is the 'diluted Lupron'......yeah, we'll see!

Fun Fact Friday

Because Throw Back Thursday is already played out ;) I thought it would be fun to give a little insight about me....not that many of you care, but just something to write about. Will try to keep it up every week, but cannot promise I won't miss a few!

I have 2 older sisters and 1 younger brother
My parents will have been married for 41 years come this May
I like to think of myself as a 'creative' person - hell I'm no Martha Stewart, but have always loved Art, Photography.

Rando fact: my right leg is 1/2" longer than my left!

Don't post it if you don't want comments....

Good ol' Crackbook (aka Facebook) - keeps most of us entertained throughout the day. Let's us keep in touch with friends/family members. It let's us 'post' what we are thinking/feeling. But let's make one thing very clear, if you don't want to hear people's comments, DON'T post shit!

The other day a friend of mine posted the article about the guy who 'founded' Girls Gone Wild...Joe something or other....and his girlfriend are preggers - how they chose to do IVF and genetic testing. Above the article she posted how she was disturbed that this is what the world is coming too....that people are choosing to do IVF and testing. Cue me not letting this one go! I quickly responded saying my daughter was a result of IVF and genetic testing. I said that I am sure her whole story wasn't written as no one chooses to go through IVF and went on with a few more statements.
All of my comments were to educate her - nothing was meant to be mean or make her feel bad. I quickly got a PM saying how she was sorry about the post and took it down after she read my response because I was right and she didn't want anyone to think she was being insensitive.
First - wasn't the point of my response....Second - I know I was right with what I wrote because I lived it.

Second time was this morning when another friend of mine posted how they told their children there was no Easter Bunny. They are a very Christian family and said they never meant to celebrate the bunny, but made sure the baskets always had Christian things in there. This year they are going to focus on St. Nick and not Santa. Now the comments were nothing bad, just how people choose to do things their way. She came back guns blazing saying how she is not forcing their ideas down any one's throats...oh and she loved everyone. Pretty sure that was to make sure everyone knew she was 'speaking' in a friendly voice.

I rarely ever post on my wall for this very reason. There are a million things I could post but I really don't want to listen to the ignorant comments that I will probably have to listen to....because there would be. But come on people, you know as soon as you hit enter you are allowing everyone you choose to see what you post. You should expect people to comment on it. Not everyone is going to agree with what you say and you shouldn't bite back.....as a 5 year old would say.....you started it!

Pinterest

We've all been there - searched through the millions of pictures, crafts, quotes and thought, wow that's a great idea, I can totally do that.
Now if you are Martha Stewart, chances are yes, you probably can. But for most people out there - not so much. I do admit that I go on weekly to look for ideas and can proudly say that I have made almost everything on my Food Board (some didn't turn out so hot, but others were great).
I have saved some ideas for future photo shoot ideas (getting more serious with my photography), saved ideas for birthday's, exercises and such. But some of the stuff out there....I mean come on, who the hell has that kind of time. For example:

A water balloon slip and slide. What in the......does it look cool, absolutely. But riddle me this batman - who in their right mind would sit and fill each one of these little balloons? Honestly? And how would it really work - once you get that running start, leap in the air and land, wouldn't they just pop????

*and yes, I do realize that this image went through photoshop - you would need a small army and a lot of patience to pull this one off

Weekend with the family

This past weekend was family dinner down at my parents house (although my sister and her family were unable to make it....part family dinner we shall call it). I decided to go down in the morning so I had some time with my parents and didn't feel rushed to get there and then turn around and leave.
I was so excited that I could finally get bugs Chuck Taylor's on - when we got to my parents I asked my mom to take a picture - absolutely love how it turned out:

Here is another shot of her on my dad's basketball from when he was a kid....totally doesn't bounce anymore so not sure why they keep it:

4 years

Four years ago today - I was laying on the operating table with my life in the hands of the man I am forever indebted to. The man, and his team, that saved my life.

Four years ago today - my family sat in the waiting room for hours wondering what was happening, wondering how much longer would this surgery take, wondering if I was going to come out of this mess safely.

Four years ago today.....I will always and forever thank you Dr. Mo!

Thrown around too much

This post may piss some people off, so you all have been forewarned. ADHD - it seems now a days these letters are being spit out of the label maker and plastered on every kids forehead because they can't behave, or they don't listen. HEY AMERICA - they are children........Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some cases are actual real cases - I was tested in High School only to find out I, myself, had a Learning Disability, ADD among a few other things. What did my parents do? They for sure as shit didn't run to the local pharmacy and get me medication. We worked with it. We found new ways for me to study, new ways for me to remember what I read. There was never a band aid put on it and it was never an excuse!

Recently one of my sister's opened up to me about her oldest boy and having been 'labeled' this due to anxiety....he's 11!!!!! It was hard for me to swallow at first hearing what she was telling me but all I could was offer some suggestions that I used to do to help me organize my day to day activities. Then today, one of my girlfriends told me how her daughter is going to be tested for the same thing, she's 4.
Now I'm not saying I will be mother of the year, that my child will never act up or not listen, but I will tell you that when it comes to disciplining my child, I will follow through with my 'threats'.

This is where I think some of the problems stem from. I've seen it first hand with my girlfriend and her daughter - she got to the point of threatening to spank her bottom that her daughter would stick her bum out and wiggle it knowing nothing was going to happen.
Before I go any further - I'm not condoning beating your child....but I will say I was smacked on the bum, wooden spoon to the knuckles, soap in the mouth..guess what..I AM OKAY!!!!!!

This little girl has already been to the 'principal's' office and asked to be picked up numerous times from where she goes to pre-school due to her behavior - she's also been known for her violent behavior (throwing things at her mother and biting her).

It was very hard for me to have her around my daughter as I wasn't sure how she was going to be - when they came over for a visit not too long ago she was doing well, playing with me while her mom held my daughter. It wasn't until my girlfriend brought her upstairs that she flipped her switch - pulling on her shirt and telling her mom to let go of her all while she was changing my daughter, causing my girlfriend to loose her balance a few times. Cue Mama Bear and me taking over.

To me, and I am not a psychologist by any means, these kids shouldn't be 'labeled' anything other than: I'm going to act out because I can and know nothing will happen to me. So America, put the label maker down and look a little deeper.

I will always, and forever, be that girl

Today was the final appointment before everything gets sent to insurance for approval. Hubs went in this morning for bw and to leave his 'deposit' and I had a later appointment for my hysteroscopy - which was MUCH easier this time around....thank you child birth!

The doc came in and introduced me to one of the nurses and said she'll be shadowing this appointment - sure thing, it's not like half the building hasn't seen my lady bits already, bring on the audience.

She started to wash her hands and began to fill the nurse in a little about me; how I was her favorite (which I'm sure she says that to all the gals), how beautiful our daughter is, how after many tests we found out I was a carrier for translocation, yatta, yatta, yatta. Now at this point I'm getting ready to be violated and then there it was, those words that will always make me be that girl. She began to tell her about the D&E mishap - mishap will be the term I will use, since D&E fuck up doesn't seem appropriate.

And then, from the corner of my eye, I could see it.....that look I dread so much.....the 'I'm so sorry for you' look! She continued on with the story and I just kept looking up at the beach pictures that all OB offices have, you know the ones they rip from either calendars or magazines.

Just wish one appointment, one meeting I could be the 'normal' girl instead of always being 'that' girl!

Will it ever get easier?

Today starts the beginning of our next cycle. AF showed up just in time for me to go get cycle day 3 bw before we meet with Genetic Counselor this morning - let the games begin!

As excited as I am to start the process up again....okay wait let me rephrase that because no one in their right mind is excited to stab themselves with needles, well maybe junkies, no one is excited to have their blood sucked out almost every other day, no one should be excited for wanda the wand appointments....so excited isn't the right word. I am ready.....ready is the right term. What I am not ready for is the waiting game - waiting for insurance to approve everything, waiting for that box of meds to arrive at the door, waiting for the phone calls to tell me how everything is progressing. What I'm dreading the most is the new process my RE's office does now - freeze all on Day 5, then test! I am not ready to wait to see how many make it to Day 5 - I am not ready to wait for the call for them to tell us how many eggs are 'normal'.

You would think after taken many trips on this ride before I would be used to it....again not the proper term....I would be ready for it. But I'm not. I woke up this morning ready to have a good day and then it hit me. Today is the day I am reminded that there is 'something wrong with me', which of course happens to fall in the month that I have now come to dislike (refer to Month of March post if you are curious). At least this time around I am prepared for that information to smack me in the face - we know what the problem is, we know what we have to do to work with it, we know what meds I respond well too.....but why do I still feel scared and nervous?

Why does this never get easier?

Then I saw this......