We just need one

I kept telling myself that if we have at least 5 it will be okay. I spent the day with my office door shut trying to keep myself as busy as I could while waiting for the call with the fertilization report. Since I was still pretty uncomfortable from the retrieval it was nice to have quiet time - no one bothers me when they see that door closed.

They said they would call in the afternoon - shortly before 1:00 I get the call. When I answered my phone the call suddenly drops. WHAT?????????? I wait for a few minutes to see if they will call right back. Nothing. Stomach has now started to creep up into my throat. After what felt like over an hour I decided to call the nurses line and just as I was leaving my information they were calling back.
As soon as I answered I had some nurse blurt out - only 4 fertilized. They will be biopsied on Day 5.

I was in such a state of heartbroken shock that I couldn't even respond before she was hanging up. 4? Only 4? I couldn't focus on anything else after that. Hubs and I talked and he still really wasn't understanding and said we'll have 5 to test, that's great (we have our one frozen from our first cycle that is being tested). After I explain to him that we have 4 today, will not mean we will have 4 by Day 5 he started to realize why I was so upset. Kept assuring me that we only need one - we only had one with our last cycle and she's just about to turn 1.

I avoided any and all phone calls last night - especially from my sister who knew we went in. I just couldn't talk about it any more. By the time hubs got home last night I came to terms with this being out of our hands, out of our control. It is what it is at this point. If we have none to transfer, we'll just get back on the horse and start the race all over again.

One hurdle down. Three more to go

The hours were slowly passing with each toss and turn I made. The anticipation of the egg retrieval had completely taken over my mind. I decided to just get up and take a shower. My stomach was in knots as I was rushing around trying to get everything ready for my MIL to watch Bug. Hubs and I leave and start to make our way into Boston. When we stopped for gas I entered in the address that I found when I looked it up online on my phone. Something about it just didn't seem right, but it said the name of the hospital so I stopped over thinking it.

As soon as we get on the highway my insides start to freak the fuck out..........why didn't he listen to me when I told him there would be morning traffic!!!! Try to keep it bottled up as I don't want to argue on our way in. Hubs wasn't understanding why I was freaking out and I had to keep explaining that I needed to be there by a specific time - that if we were late I would be afraid they would say we couldn't do the retrieval.

Nav tells us to get off an exit and this is when I begin to let all my panic loose.

This isn't right - this is the wrong way - I should have just given directions myself as I know exactly where it is! We pull over and enter in the RIGHT address and off we go. Thankfully we weren't too far off to where we needed to be and made it just at the exact time we were told to be there by (well be there not later than this time). The nurse brings me back and said we'll move right along and get you right in. Being the first one in is nice - you don't have to sit and wait.

Get me geared up, bring hubs back to me for about 2 seconds before they are bringing into the retrieval room? Would we call it that? It's not an operating room per say....hmmm.....so they bring me in and one nurse is hovering over the right side of me and the asst. anesthesiologist is hovering over the right. Oxygen mask on and in comes the doctor. He asked everyone to pause for a moment and all I could think is, are we going to say a prayer right now??? Can I at least get my legs out of the stirrups first??? All he wanted me to do was confirm my full name, date of birth and why I was in there. Confirmed my name and date of birth, but when it came time to confirm why I was in there part of me wanted to say, I just want a really good nap ;) Knowing that wouldn't have been the smartest move, I answered properly. And off I went to la la land!

I remember coming to and saying I thought I was home. They giggled and told me that I was still at the hospital and the retrieval went very well, we got 9 eggs.

Come too a little more and see hubs sitting next to me playing on my phone and told him how I said I thought I was home when I woke up - he just laughed at me. The doctor comes over and told us everything went very well and we ended up with 10 eggs. WHAT?????? 10????????? We were pretty happy with that - the most we've ever gotten. The embryologist came over and confirmed we were still at 10 eggs and will call us tomorrow afternoon with the fertilization report.

One hurdle down.....three more to go - pray for great fertilization report......pray a good number make it to Day 5 for freeze.....pray we have at least one normal embryo for transfer after PGD.

Tomorrow's the big day

After spending the weekend with Wanda the Wand appointments, I was surprised when I got the call that it was trigger time! I knew the sizes were all there and everything else looked great, I was just thinking one more day. Not sure why I would have wanted to stab myself one more day, but I guess I was just hoping to get some more follicles caught up to the rest.

At my last Wanda appointment we were still at 12 measurable (with 10 trying to catch up) - this is the most we've EVER had at this point so I was very happy with that. I tell hubs he's gonna have a great night, not only do you get to stab me with a needle, we get to do the deed. Thankfully I didn't need him to do the injection because it was a different kind that the last two cycles.

Slept horribly - kept playing the game that I really suck at.....the What If game. What if we don't have a great fertilization report? What if none make it to freeze? What if none are tested normal?
This is what I hate the most about infertility.......the needles, the blood being sucked out making me look like a junky, the wanda the wand appointments - all of that I can deal with.....the next day or so, not so much. One would think that because I've already been on this roller coaster that I would be used to the anticipation of the drop, but I'm not. Each ride is different.

Until we are gearing up for transfer, I will keep my legs and arms inside the ride at all times.

We've all failed once or twice

When I saw this picture, the first thing I did was laugh....because of my newest bruises on my body from the shots. Then once I read it again, it meant something different.

Failure is a bruise.....it happens......it teaches us.......it's not always a bad thing. I've had my fair share of failures in my lifetime - from school to relationships to having children. With each failure I grew stronger, I grew tougher and I grew smarter (at least I like to think I have).

During the beginning months of treatments I felt like I failed, I failed as a woman. I couldn't do what we were supposed to do. With each shot the failure stayed - why did I have to take medication when other's didn't? Over time that feeling went away. Once I knew that I wasn't alone and I allowed myself to open up about our struggles, the word failure left my vocabulary.

As I'm reaching day 7 of stims I can feel that word creeping back up. The only thing I can do about it is to kick it's ass and prove it wrong again. I will not fail. I will continue to grow stronger each and every day....but shit, do these bruises hurt!

Back at it

Today was my first bw and u/s appointment. One would think that after having been to these appointments hundreds of times, I would be used to it. That I would be used to going to the second floor of the hospital, that I would be used to sitting in the waiting room (alone today), that I would be used to blood being sucked out of my arm...and well, I don't think anyone would be used to the Wanda the Wand meetings.
But no, that was not the case this morning.

Driving down the traffic was a breeze. The music was blasting, windows were open.....it was a great morning.

I arrived super early so I sat in the parking garage and played on my phone for a bit and when I shut the Jeep off, my stomach dropped. Nervous belly kicked in. What the hell was going on? It felt like this was the first day of a new school and I knew no one. Was it because the last time I was there I found out I was preggers? Couldn't be - knew that I wasn't thanks to AF showing up when she needed to. Is it because this might be it for us? Could this be the last time we go through this whole process (if successful)?

Appointment went rather quickly - stopped by my house on the way to work for a quick second and was able to give Bug a few more kisses. Off to work I go....blah!

Here we are again.......sitting........waiting.........starring at my phone........waiting for that number!

One of those weeks

Not even sure where to begin with this one..........I guess I'll start with this:

Hello Mr. Lupron....we meet again!!!!! And I already hate you!!!!!!!!!! After only 3 days of being on you, the headaches have already started.....ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

Now to back track. Hubs and I both took this past Thursday off to head to 'The Cape' because his sister rented a house for the week and his family was going to be down there. We both agreed to pack for 2 days and see what happens. Now the reason I have 'The Cape' like this is for a few reasons....one, I don't consider that town the Cape since it is before the bridge (will refrain from naming the town because I'm gonna bash the shit out of it), the town itself was straight up disgusting! Nothing about this town reminded me of the Cape ...AT ALL! When we pull up to the house, I immediately became overwhelmed as his whole family started to bum rush the car. After taking a few deep breathes I make my way out to get Bug, who was in need of a diaper change. I left hubs to unpack the car while I handled that.....with my MIL hovering over my shoulder. Again, take deep breathes.

The house.....oh the house, was gross! Before anyone thinks I'm little Miss Prissy Pants, you are wrong.....my favorite past times are hitting dive bars (because that is where you really have the most fun!) Okay back to the house - it was nasty! Not in a dirty/filthy way - just stunk and needed a gazillion updates! Hubs and I get ready to head down to the beach and my SIL was waiting for us. She told us she was very mislead on the house, that the beach was actually 2 streets away and not 1. Really? You're gonna go with that as your first complaint? That one? Not the fact that the second night there ya'll had no water and they had to drive down to fix it? Not that the house was in shambles and desperately needed a face lift? Huh...right on.

The walk to the beach was literally not even 1 minute long. The only nice thing about the beach....didn't get crowded. Spent the day down there and had lunch on the pier, which that was really good! Hubs, niece, Bug and I head back to the house around 4:30 to get showers done before the rest of the crew came back. The shower.....it would have been better if I filled the tub and took a bath. Pretty sure I still had shampoo in my hair when I got out - even my SIL was worried for me because of the amount of hair I have!

Hubs, SIL and her friend head out to go get lobsters/steamers for dinner while myself and my BIL head to get some beer. I had no words for what we saw when we were in there......well I do, trash! If the shower worked better, I probably would have taken another one when we got back to the house! We had a nice dinner and enjoyed some conversation before Bug decided she wasn't having the pack-n-play in this place. Took about an hour for her to finally realize we weren't coming back up to rescue her. Once she was out my MIL told us to all go out for a drink. Since I never go out, I took her up on that opportunity! Hubs and I debated changing but realized who cared what we looked liked. We waited for the other 3 to come out front for a bit until we couldn't take it anymore - we left.

Get to the bar and told him I just needed a stiff Bacardi and Diet! The rest of them met us and the night was fun - bar shut down at 11 and Hubs wanted to just have one more drink. Hubs, myself and my SIL best friend all went to the local bar for one more. Now, you know the scenes in movies where someone walks into the bar and everyone turns the heads and the music stops.....yup, that's what it felt like! HA I will say I've been in worse bars, to the point I've felt like I've needed a tetanus shot, but still, this one was up there! 

The next morning we were up bright and early with Bug and took a walk around the town - only to confirm how disgusting the town really was! When we got back my FIL was still the only one up, this, on top of the shitty weather that was coming in from the hurricane, made up our minds that we were going home. Neither one of us wanted to have Bug suffer another night. Packed up and headed home.

Once home I noticed what I thought was heat rash from the day before was still there and she had a slight fever. Thinking it was from all 4 of her teeth coming down, we didn't think much of the fever.....until the next morning when the rash had spread to her face!

Off to the doctor's to have him tell us she has what he believes to be Roseola - nothing to be concerned about. Ran some errands that afternoon and spent the afternoon in Boston Sunday....wondering if everyone thought our kid had scabies. When we got home I went up to change out of my sundress and notice my whole torso is covered in a rash. WHAT IN THE FUCK?????? Hubs and I try to figure out what I ate that would cause this - what happens when I have an allergic reaction. Nothing, nothing I ate or drank was anything new. Take a benedryl and see what happens.

By Tuesday it was time for me to go to the doctor's to get my rash looked at - daycare called and said Bug needed to be picked up because her temp was 101.5, so hubs went to get her and bring her to the doc. I met them after my appointment only to find out I had to take her to get blood work done. Um, nope, no I don't. My heart broke into a million pieces when I opened the back door and saw her so lethargic and her body temp was so hot! I cried pretty much the whole way to the hospital because I just wanted her better, wanted to know what was going on, and truthfully didn't want to bring her to get blood work!

We get registered with the ER department and head to lab - she wouldn't leave my chest. I was trying everything I could to make her giggle and succeeded once. Door opens and they call her name....ugh, I'm not ready to do this. Off we go. Once in the room they inform me I have to sit with her in the blood sucker chair.....awesome! After they find a good vein, in her hand, I warn them that she is very strong - so we all clamp down a little tighter. I'm not sure if Bug was just done with everyone poking and prodding her or was hitting a drug como....but that little shit made one little 'eh' sound and then was falling asleep on me as they were sucking her blood out! PHEW............

Spent the day home with her yesterday and she seemed to be doing better, but still clingy which made getting work done a little difficult. Once she was down, I notice that my rash has really spread to my legs/arms. Come ON! I decided to take a shower to see if it was maybe from the lotion I used that morning - totally reaching, as I knew that wasn't the case. Back to the doctor's I went.......had a NP this time who tried telling me it was heat rash.....I'm sorry swan, I haven't been in the sun for a long period of time since LAST Thursday. Try again. They believe it's contact dermatitis - not sure what from since I haven't used anything different (soaps, lotions, detergents) so who the hell knows what is happening with me right now.

Hubs brought Bug to daycare and told me once he went in to the other room, 'all the little faces had spots on them.' Perfect.....just perfect.

Just a little romance

Really isn't a lot to ask, right? Hubs and I are really not the touchy, feely, public display of affection type of people, which is okay. But once in a while it's nice for him to grab my hand or give me a nice kiss for no apparent reason.

When we first started dating it was all about the romance - doors were opened for me, dinners out at nice places, walked next to me, etc. Now....okay the dinners out are few and far between but when we do, we still go to nice places (we are very much foodies) but doors opened...HA, I'm lucky I can catch them before they are shut in my face. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but sometimes I miss my boyfriend.
I know I've changed too - we all do. We all become comfortable and forget what it was like in the beginning.

Hubs and I went away for the night a while back and it was great. Neither one of us 'checked in' on Crackbook (aka Facebook) we didn't post anything, we didn't text anyone - we did call my parents a few times to make sure our daughter was okay - and it felt great. It was like how we were when we first started dating, okay not really like how we first started dating, I did have to ask him to walk with me instead of ahead of me :) We ate, we drank, we talked, without any interruptions. No one from work calling or texting him about what they should do, how they should handle things, etc. Just him and I.

Don't get me wrong, we missed Bug immensely, but sometimes it's nice to have alone time - it doesn't make us bad parents that we took a night for ourselves....once in a blue moon, ah now I want a Blue Moon.....once in a blue moon is okay!

After being together for almost 10 years now I often wonder how to get the spark back. Then I stop....when I get a picture text of a diaper filled to the brim of poop with a comment, "biggest one yet!"