4 years

Four years ago today - I was laying on the operating table with my life in the hands of the man I am forever indebted to. The man, and his team, that saved my life.

Four years ago today - my family sat in the waiting room for hours wondering what was happening, wondering how much longer would this surgery take, wondering if I was going to come out of this mess safely.

Four years ago today.....I will always and forever thank you Dr. Mo!

Thrown around too much

This post may piss some people off, so you all have been forewarned. ADHD - it seems now a days these letters are being spit out of the label maker and plastered on every kids forehead because they can't behave, or they don't listen. HEY AMERICA - they are children........Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some cases are actual real cases - I was tested in High School only to find out I, myself, had a Learning Disability, ADD among a few other things. What did my parents do? They for sure as shit didn't run to the local pharmacy and get me medication. We worked with it. We found new ways for me to study, new ways for me to remember what I read. There was never a band aid put on it and it was never an excuse!

Recently one of my sister's opened up to me about her oldest boy and having been 'labeled' this due to anxiety....he's 11!!!!! It was hard for me to swallow at first hearing what she was telling me but all I could was offer some suggestions that I used to do to help me organize my day to day activities. Then today, one of my girlfriends told me how her daughter is going to be tested for the same thing, she's 4.
Now I'm not saying I will be mother of the year, that my child will never act up or not listen, but I will tell you that when it comes to disciplining my child, I will follow through with my 'threats'.

This is where I think some of the problems stem from. I've seen it first hand with my girlfriend and her daughter - she got to the point of threatening to spank her bottom that her daughter would stick her bum out and wiggle it knowing nothing was going to happen.
Before I go any further - I'm not condoning beating your child....but I will say I was smacked on the bum, wooden spoon to the knuckles, soap in the mouth..guess what..I AM OKAY!!!!!!

This little girl has already been to the 'principal's' office and asked to be picked up numerous times from where she goes to pre-school due to her behavior - she's also been known for her violent behavior (throwing things at her mother and biting her).

It was very hard for me to have her around my daughter as I wasn't sure how she was going to be - when they came over for a visit not too long ago she was doing well, playing with me while her mom held my daughter. It wasn't until my girlfriend brought her upstairs that she flipped her switch - pulling on her shirt and telling her mom to let go of her all while she was changing my daughter, causing my girlfriend to loose her balance a few times. Cue Mama Bear and me taking over.

To me, and I am not a psychologist by any means, these kids shouldn't be 'labeled' anything other than: I'm going to act out because I can and know nothing will happen to me. So America, put the label maker down and look a little deeper.

I will always, and forever, be that girl

Today was the final appointment before everything gets sent to insurance for approval. Hubs went in this morning for bw and to leave his 'deposit' and I had a later appointment for my hysteroscopy - which was MUCH easier this time around....thank you child birth!

The doc came in and introduced me to one of the nurses and said she'll be shadowing this appointment - sure thing, it's not like half the building hasn't seen my lady bits already, bring on the audience.

She started to wash her hands and began to fill the nurse in a little about me; how I was her favorite (which I'm sure she says that to all the gals), how beautiful our daughter is, how after many tests we found out I was a carrier for translocation, yatta, yatta, yatta. Now at this point I'm getting ready to be violated and then there it was, those words that will always make me be that girl. She began to tell her about the D&E mishap - mishap will be the term I will use, since D&E fuck up doesn't seem appropriate.

And then, from the corner of my eye, I could see it.....that look I dread so much.....the 'I'm so sorry for you' look! She continued on with the story and I just kept looking up at the beach pictures that all OB offices have, you know the ones they rip from either calendars or magazines.

Just wish one appointment, one meeting I could be the 'normal' girl instead of always being 'that' girl!

Will it ever get easier?

Today starts the beginning of our next cycle. AF showed up just in time for me to go get cycle day 3 bw before we meet with Genetic Counselor this morning - let the games begin!

As excited as I am to start the process up again....okay wait let me rephrase that because no one in their right mind is excited to stab themselves with needles, well maybe junkies, no one is excited to have their blood sucked out almost every other day, no one should be excited for wanda the wand appointments....so excited isn't the right word. I am ready.....ready is the right term. What I am not ready for is the waiting game - waiting for insurance to approve everything, waiting for that box of meds to arrive at the door, waiting for the phone calls to tell me how everything is progressing. What I'm dreading the most is the new process my RE's office does now - freeze all on Day 5, then test! I am not ready to wait to see how many make it to Day 5 - I am not ready to wait for the call for them to tell us how many eggs are 'normal'.

You would think after taken many trips on this ride before I would be used to it....again not the proper term....I would be ready for it. But I'm not. I woke up this morning ready to have a good day and then it hit me. Today is the day I am reminded that there is 'something wrong with me', which of course happens to fall in the month that I have now come to dislike (refer to Month of March post if you are curious). At least this time around I am prepared for that information to smack me in the face - we know what the problem is, we know what we have to do to work with it, we know what meds I respond well too.....but why do I still feel scared and nervous?

Why does this never get easier?

Then I saw this......