Mom's Night Out

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!! It is sad to admit that last night was the first night I went out with my girlfriends...since....forever! The day moved nice and quickly, picked up Bug from day care and she was in the best mood she's been in all week. Get home and hubs arrives shortly after I do - which gave me time to start to pack overnight bags for her and I for tonight.

Two of my girlfriends and I jump in my Jeep and off we go. I felt guilty for a hot minute when I was pulling out of the driveway...will hubs be okay with her by himself? will she be on her schedule? will he remember to give her a bath? Then I shut my brain off and said, he's got this. Well...he forgot the bath, but whatever. She went down no problem for him, which was great because my fear was coming home and she'd be on my side of the bed!

We got to the location for dinner and met up with the other 3 girls....wait wasn't too long, thank God, because I was starving and would have throat punched someone if I had to wait a long time! Yes, I get hangry....that and on top of it taking over an hour to get to where we needed to be....all I needed was food and a beer.

Once we are seated I open the menu, to 3 pages of beer. WHAT in the WHAT?????? Literally could not focus and felt the pressure when it came to my turn - good thing my girlfriend next to me picked a beer that I thought I would enjoy because I just muttered, I'll have what she's having.

Now that the pressure of choice of beer was over with, I flipped the page. Only to find 7 pages of food options. Come on........I start to eliminate sections and finally focus on what I want. Took the menu and threw it towards to top of the table so I couldn't change my mind.

The laughter and conversations were too much to keep up with. I knew I missed this, but didn't realize how much.

After listening to two of my girlfriends talking, I turned to the one next to me and say: you know how you know you are old? Your dinner conversation consists of Crohn's Disease.
We both burst into laughter and started to wonder what happened to us.....the good old days of conversations that consisted of who did the walk of shame in the early morning hours? how drunk we all were the night before? where were going tonight?

At this point the conversations started to turn and go back to the way we were...completely inappropriate!

I sat back in the booth, took a sip of my blueberry beer and smiled.....man I missed this!

Food

Whoever thought it was a good idea to give a child rice, is clearly insane! That shit gets EVERYWHERE!!!!

I must have stood there for a good 10 minutes before realizing I couldn't leave Bug in her highchair all night....contemplated it, but didn't. Scooped her, and about a pound of rice, up from her seat to hang directly over the kitchen sink and started to wipe these sticky grains off....oh along with mashed avocado. Looking back now, I WAS the insane one for choosing this as her meal!
*Note to self.....NEVER AGAIN do this combination*

Gearing up for her to start to eat table food - makes her sound like a dog - it was hard. It meant time was running away from me and I hated it! Why is it that when we were working so hard for her to come into our lives, time moved at a snails pace....but now, her first birthday is 2 months and 3 days away! WHAT???? It's no joke when they say time flies!

Back to food.....she's been on the school lunch program all week (our daycare has their own 'chef' who prepares meals/snacks for the kids....worth paying the price (aka second mortgage) now that we are doing this. She's had anything from bagels and cream cheese to turkey wraps (okay not a real wrap but more turkey pieces and whole wheat wrap pieces sprinkled on her tray). Snacks are usually fruits/veggies, yogurt, cheese, and crackers.

She's out with Hubs today at an Indian restaurant.....wonder if she likes curry?

That mom!

Have you ever been out in public and you hear a screaming child and wonder why the parents cannot quiet them down? Yup, I was THAT mom yesterday!

Bug and I went out after her 10:00 feeding to run some errands - figuring I had plenty of time before she was ready to eat lunch...boy was I wrong! Hit one store and she did great - got some things for Hubs birthday, some cute stuff for her and a few other things. I checked the time and figured I could do a quick run through the grocery store before we had to head home. My cue should have been her crying in the backseat during the 2 minute car ride from one store to the next!

Thinking she was just warm, I quickly get her out of the car and into the store....she was fine. That lasted about 3 isles before she was crying and the looks started....settle down lady, it's not like we are at Church or in a movie theater....her crying isn't going to interfere with you grabbing another box of cookies!

I high tail it to the baby food isle...where the fuck is the baby food isle.....for the LOVE of Pete!!!! After I made it safely to that section of the store, realizing I most likely ran over a few feet trying to find my way, I reach for a container of Puffs. Rip off the plastic wrapping only to have it not completely go all the way down, making it damn near impossible for the cap to come off.

The crying gets louder.....you plastic piece of shit, come OFF! Bam, there it goes, across the isle and I begin to pass these heaven from Godsend treats into her little mouth.

The crying has subsided....phew!

Start to make my way to the next isle and the tears start again....clearly these star shaped, air puffed Puffs are not going to cut it. Off to the register I go.

Trying to get that container out of my 9 month old hands was damn near impossible - that girl has one strong grip! Damn it where is that stupid cap again!?!??!

Ask the cashier to quickly scan the Puffs so it can go back to being super glued in Bugs hand. I couldn't have been happier with the line I chose. The two women were amazing at keeping her engaged and then a young kid came over because he wasn't bagging and helped entertain her while I was checking out.

So thank you my dear Stop-n-Shop employees....thank you for not making me fee like THAT mom! I will come back to see you again, even though I'm not a huge fan of your store, I am now a huge fan of your employees!

Why put yourself through it?

One of the hundreds of times I've heard this question, was just asked again this morning. While sitting with my boss (and close friend) he expressed his concern for me after this past week. He told me he researched what an ectopic pregnancy was and said he became scared for my health. Then asked me why am I going to put myself through this again? Why was I going to put my health at risk? Told me how he felt I had the perfect life: wonderful husband, beautiful daughter, everyone healthy, a home, jobs - why push it? Wasn't Mother Nature giving me enough signs?

I looked at him and just said because why should I have to give up on our dream because of fear?

The conversation continued and he went on about how this whole process has to be an emotional roller coaster, that eventually one day I might snap....clearly he hasn't paid much attention when I'm on Lupron! But what got me the most is when he made the comment about how I must feel like something is wrong with me, that my body is supposed to reproduce and I can't - well I cannot hold on to it. That stung. I haven't thought of those words since the day we took the turn down IVF Alley.

Yes, there is something wrong with me. Yes it does hurt. Yes I want to scream at the lady dragging her 5 kids around yelling at them, treating them like trash, that it's not fair! But then I take a deep breath and realize this is out of my hands. The only thing I can do about this is what hubs and I have been doing and will keep doing.

I told him the thoughts he was having were much stronger on my end in the beginning, when we first started. You reach a point where you become numb, that you know what you have to do to fulfill your dreams.....and you put your big girl pants on......and just do it!

Glimmer of hope....faded

Deep down I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I was holding on to the tiniest amount of hope that this pregnancy would make it. Over the past week I was a pee stick addict! I told myself to stop because it was only making it harder, but I just couldn't. I kept comparing the lines and seeing it getting darker - not as dark as the control but pretty close. I would keep going back to check on it to see if it really was still there, that second line....and it would be.
My tiny hope was quickly put out when they told me that they are worried this may be an ectopic pregnancy due to my numbers going up a little bit more. My heart sank, my stomach dropped, and of course, my eyes filled with tears. Why must I always answer when I see 'that number'?!?!?!?!

I collect myself and decide it was best to inform my family - in case something bad were to happen, everyone would know what is going on. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone of them via phone, so I sent an email. Lame, I know. It was the best and only way I could bare to tell them the news. Throughout the weekend I tried to keep myself busy...keep my mind off of what was going on.

Mother's Day comes around.....after I slept on the couch (due to bug not wanting to go back to sleep at 1:00 in the morning), woke up to her nails scraping against the netting of the pack and play, washing dishes, steam clean floors, I brought bug upstairs to hubs and I went to take a shower. Then it happened - my complete melt down. I stood there sobbing uncontrollably for a good ten minutes. My heart was so sad that this was happening all over again. Once I was done with my shower, I told myself I was done with the tears. I went to snuggle with bug and told her she was still the only baby in the house....for now.

Spent the day up at my sister's with my family and took bug down to the beach to take some pictures:

She didn't quite know what to think of the sand, but she'll get used to it....

Back in the RE's office yesterday for more bw and then head off to get u/s. There were no signs of anything but they told me it could mean: miscarriage already happened, too early in pregnancy, ectopic - but didn't feel they saw anything to cause them to worry. I had to go back to meet with my RE to review all the tests/scans/etc. and to discuss moving forward. Had more blood sucked out of me this morning to make sure my numbers are still going down from the day before.

Now I sit and wait for.....that number!

A glimmer of hope

Lupron and I have been having our regular 5:00 am dates for a little while now, just over a week I would say. Every day I kept waiting for AF to rear her ugly head, but nothing....just spotting here and there. Originally I had my bw and u/s appointment for Sunday (which would have been perfect - wouldn't miss the Monday morning meeting) but since AF still hadn't fully arrived, they pushed me off a day. I can deal with missing a meeting - plus I would be home for when bug woke up.

Head down to the appointment - got right in for bw and then sat.....sat for a good 30 minutes before I was called in for my u/s. It was  tech I had from the last cycle (she too remembered me). Got geared up for Wanda the Wand and we start chatting. She had a baby around the same time I did using donor eggs - we were comparing notes with each other's babies as she was scanning my innards. During the conversation there was a slight pause and it caught my attention, but didn't think anything of it.

Appointment is done - now off to work.

Playing catch up from the few hours I had missed, I see 'that' number come across my cell phone. God they are so good at getting back to you. It's Nurse Nancy. She asked if I was home, which didn't really phase me, but told her no, that I had to come in to work. She began to tell me they ran the blood work and noticed my progesterone was high. This sparks them to do a pregnancy test.....you are pregnant. I'm sorry what the fuck did you just say??????????? I'm what????????????  (I say in my head) My eyes fill with tears because I wasn't expecting that at all. She told me the number was really low (27) but couldn't base it on anything since she didn't know when we conceived (trying to do the math in my head.....AH, date night!)

She went on about a few other things but I honestly couldn't pay attention. All of a sudden I couldn't control my emotions. No matter how hard I tried to push it down, the tears were flowing. I am going to lose this pregnancy and there is nothing I can do about it. I called DH and asked if he wanted the good news or bad news....he opted for good. He too was in a state of shock because we were pretty careful (using the good old pull out method and me running to bathroom that we've done hundreds of times and never had a scare) and it would have been just that one time, date night - I laughed when Nurse Nancy told me that is all it takes.

I compose myself as best as I could and called the nurses line to speak to them again. Nurse Nancy called me back and went over everything again. Will need to see me for bw to see if the number is doubling and we will go from there, but we will monitor you closely. Since I was an emotional basket case, I decided it was best for me to finish my day at home. While driving home the tears just kept coming, and then it hit me. All the fears I had shoved down as far as I could, burst through the gates. D&C. I physically, emotionally, mentally cannot go through another one. I can not!

Back to their office I go for another round of bw to see if the numbers have doubled. I of course couldn't help but test and had a small glimmer of hope that the line was darker from the day before. In and out and back on the road. As that number came across my screen I debated whether to answer....it's Nurse Susan this time. The number rose, but to 37...come back Friday for more bw to see what is going on.

Cue more tears.......

Eye Opener

Yesterday was just like any other day at daycare when I went to pick up bug...until I hear 'Code Red' come over the PA system. What went from dancing with bug, laughing and joking with the teachers quickly turned into serious, move your ass mode.

I just stood there not knowing what was going on or what to do. One teacher looked at me and said in a stern voice, she goes in crib and we all go in the bathroom. It's a lock down code. I quickly put bug into the crib with two other babies and run to hold the door open for everyone. They wheeled the kids in, carried a few and told one of the other mothers, who was in the hallway getting ready to leave, that she had to come in to the bathroom with us.

We stood there in the dark - door locked - teacher fumbling to find a flashlight in their emergency backpack - babies screaming. My stomach was in my throat....it hit me. I will never be able to imagine what any of those teachers/children felt or thought when they were going through it for real. They hid scared, wondering what was going to happen.

It was just a short time before someone was banging on the door - now is this a test, do we open it? The banging was getting louder. We then heard 'All Clear' and opened the door. Before I could blink I was scooping up my daughter to calm her down, to hold her, to let her know mommy was there.

The other mother and I asked how often do they do these and why now. The teacher informed us that ever since the Newtown shooting they do these drills once a month, but wasn't sure why they were doing one that day since they just had one last week. We think it was because there were an unusual number of parents picking up and they wanted to show us the drill - which is great, but shit......makes you realize that no matter where you go, you are never safe.

I get to the car and start to cry.

Damn you Lupron!!!!!!!

OH fun fact Friday:
  My father, both my sisters and I all went to the same college - Norwich University!